27 October 2018

Just in Time for Hallowe'en! Books I will Never Write Part 1: Dino Porn


By Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)

Apparently, I have been sounding too normal these days.  There have been complaints. The following is an attempt to rectify that.

People pay money for the weirdest reads.  Don't believe me?

DINOSAUR PORN

Yes, you heard that right.  This is a 'thing.'  No, I don't mean porn that randy male dinosaurs might read, involving somewhat sassy females of the same species who like a good time.  Last I checked, dinosaurs couldn't read.  Not even the urban ones.

But I'm not here to talk about that.  I'm not even going to talk about the weirdness of someone wanting to *write* about sexual relations between a human of today and a creature that might possibly have become extinct during an ice storm back in the good old days.  All writers are weird.  Some are more weird than others (thank you, George Orwell.)

Nope.  I'm here to talk about the blatant inequality in the dinosaur porn field.  Not only that, in ALL areas of human/not-even-remotely-human erotica.

Don't believe me?  Have you noticed that all these erotic books that star humans and some other race like Vampires or Werewolves or Aliens or Ducks (hey - has it been done?) always feature a girl with the Vampire or Werewolf?  Or in our case, a girl with the T-Rex?

Why is it always that way around?  Never do you see a young man being pursued by, say, a randy female dino.  I have to assume female dinos are more discriminating.

So in the interests of fair play, just in time for Hallowe'en, I offer my version of Dino porn.

It might go like this:

"La, la, lalalala, la, lala, la la..." <innocent young female stegosaurus frolics among the Precambrian (whatever) wild-flowers, unaware that she is about to be approached from behind>

"Hey hey," says health male homo sapien, who obviously time-traveled here from another era.  "You on Tinder, babe?"

"Tinder?" says Steggy-gal, unfamiliar with the vernacular.  "Isn't this a grassland?"


"How about I just show you my equipment?" says creepy guy, who might possibly be blind.  "I'll just take it out here...oops, no.  That's my phone."

"Oh! There's a butterfly!" says Steggy-gal, easily distracted.

"HA," says creep, lining up to do the dirty.  "Bet ya never had it like THIS before!"

"Gee, these flies are a nuisance," says Steggy, batting the annoyance away with her spiked tale.  "Why do they always hang around THAT end..."

"YEOOOOOOOW"

Okay, enough pastiche-ing around.  It's discimination, pure and simple.  Okay, maybe not pure.  And possibly more complicated than simple.  All those extra bits.  Which reminds me.  Girl with a Squid comes out in 2019.

Melodie Campbell writes some pretty wild comedy.  She even gets paid to do it, by poor unsuspecting publishers.  Check out her many series at www.melodiecampbell.com


10 comments:

Eve Fisher said...

Looking forward to "Girl With a Squid"! Remind me to send you some day a copy of "Nude With Snow Geese".

Speaking of gendered sexuality in prehistoric times, apparently the geneticists have figured out (from mitochondrial DNA, Y chromosomes, etc., but let's not get too scientific here) that in most of the match-ups between Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens it was a male Neanderthal and a female Homo Sapiens. That tells you something about the male homo sapiens, doesn't it?

(From the "Randy and Mobile" chapter of "A Brief History of Everyone Who Ever Lived: The Human Story Retold Through Our Genes" by Adam Rutherford. And no, I am NOT making this up.)

DISCLAIMER: I have 3.6% Neanderthal and 2.3% Denisovian in my DNA - my ancestors were obviously very randy, very mobile.

Melodie Campbell said...

Eve, you are a hoot! I shall indeed look up that book. Oh heck, admit it. I'll buy it, for sure. Gotta say, it makes me feel bad for the female Neanderthals ;)

Barb Goffman said...

Randy dinos, time travel ... add in a crime and we may have something here!

Melodie Campbell said...

Perfect for a Crime-Time anthology, eh Barb? grin

Anne R. Allen said...

Melodie, you're hilarious! This gave me a much-needed laugh. Thanks!

Melodie Campbell said...

Anne, phew! I was afraid I had shocked viewers of this blogspot speechless. They are probably used to a more docile side of me. I don't get let out to play enough :)

Jeff Baker said...

I am imagining a darkened bedroom. Suddenly you hear hard breathing and then someone screams "Yabba Dabba Doo!"

Melodie Campbell said...

snort. Jeff, is that why they took Flintstones off the air? :)

Leigh Lundin said...

Sheesh, you weren't kidding. I've heard of the furries fetish but not reptilian reproduction, so to speak. The first page I looked at featured a bikini femme and a blow-up dino on hoverboards. Now it's clear why dinosaurs died out.

Melodie Campbell said...

Leigh, you are the only one I know who can top me for absolutely wild and wooly scenarios. As if female dinos wore bikinis. tch tch