07 October 2018

Talking Turkey

by Velma

Tomorrow Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving and, in case you wondered, Liberia celebrates Thanksgiving the first Thursday in November. The time or place matters little to bachelors who celebrate the holiday much the same no matter when or where.

A Bachelor Thanksgiving
in honour of the Canadian holiday
arrangement in ironic pentameter
by deservedly anonymous

Thanksgiving cornucopia
I think I shall never sniff
A poem as lovely as a whiff
Of turkey and mashed po—
tatoes and frozen snow–

Peas in vast disproportion
As I gulp another portion.
Cranberry sauce, count me a fan,
Maintains the shape of the can.

Cheap beer and cheaper whiskey
Makes the shallow heart grow frisky.
Three litre jugs of screw-capped wine
First tastes horrible, then tastes fine.

Deli turkey, cellophane wrapped.
Processed ham and all that crap.
Sherbet, ice cream, anything frozen,
Packaged cupcakes by the dozen,

Ruffled chips and onion dip,
Reddi-Wip and Miracle Whip,
Maple frosting found in tins
Hide the worst culinary sins.

Seven-fifty millilitres of
Grain vodka labeled Scruitov,
Cheap brandy and cheaper beer
First smells awful, then tastes queer.

Pumpkin pie and store-bought cake,
Anything I need not bake.
If it’s boxed, if it’s canned,
I’m no gourmet, only gourmand.


Baseball, football on the TV.
One spilt bowl of poutine gravy.
This little poem with each verse,
I give thanks if it grows no worse.
vintage post card wreath turkey

vintage post card children, turkey, pumpkin

We admit nothing except Happy Thanksgiving. Graphics courtesy of Antique Images, The Holiday Spot, and Spruce Crafts.


janice law said...

Very funny!

John Floyd said...

Great poem, Velma! I'm now a fan of ironic pentameter.

Paul D. Marks said...

Velma, if you are the anonymous behind this fabulous poem, you are truly a poet! Have a jug -- or box -- of that screw-cap wine. It does taste fine after a time.

Eve Fisher said...

Don't forget the wine in a box! Does Tim Horton's cater?

Velma said...

Thank you, Jan. The spirits might have moved me… Molson, Moosehead, Labatt and that smooth Canadian whiskey.

Thanks John. Don't you think poetic societies should come knocking on my door any day now?

Funny how booze does that, Paul. Remember the New Testament story (John 2:1-10) where Jesus whipped up a batch of wine for his mother?

Velma said...

Eve, one of my friends loves that Sam's Club Black Box Wine. Well, mostly he likes the price. That stuff could clean the rust off barbecue grills.

O'Neil De Noux said...

Funny stuff.

Elizabeth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melodie Campbell said...

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, Velma! That is the definitive T-Day poem, doncha know. And we'd be drinkin' hootch in the kitch with the lads and lassies.
(Okay, gin and tonic, for the Brit side of the family.)
You knew it was coming. Just have to name you an...ahem...Honorary Canuck! Wear it well, Velma darling. You're one of us now

Melodie Campbell said...

Eve, if Tim Hortons delivered, we'd all be 300 pounds.

Leigh Lundin said...

Hey O'Neil, thank you.

Hi Elizabeth! Happy T-Day.

Wow, Melodie. Sophie phoned. I expressed thanksgiving gratitude that Canada was taking in US refugees. Her husband said no problem, as long as I stopped complaining about Ted Cruz and Justin Beiber. Wow, do you have pull, Melodie!

Unknown said...

The best part of Canadian Thanksgiving, we have nothing even resembling Black Tuesday!

Velma said...

That indeed is a major plus, Sheena! Happy T-day.