Decline & Fall

I mentioned in my last column that I’d been reading Gibbon’s famous history of the Roman Empire, Decline and Fall, which I’d never tackled before.  I’ve never read Herodotus, either, on the Peloponnesian War, or Xenophon’s Anabasis, two other celebrated histories.  I know them only by reputation.  There was a time, of course, when both of them were regularly taught, and in the original.  It was the mark of a classically educated scholar to be conversant in Greek and Latin, and construe his Homer and his Cicero.  

I’m reminded that when my dad got older, and retired across the Massachusetts border into New Hampshire, he took up Trollope.  Trollope was enormously popular in his lifetime, a contemporary and rival of Dickens, but Trollope hasn’t worn as well as Dickens.  You suspect this is because Trollope has a narrower focus, the Barchester books (which my dad was particularly fond of), for example, are about the internal politics of the Anglican church, while Dickens had more of a roving eye, so to speak. 

After my dad died, I myself fell into a binge of Sir Walter Scott.  Quite a few of us might have read Ivanhoe in high school, but not much else, and I discovered that Scott – another guy who was a huge celebrity as a writer, while he was alive – wrote some significantly better books, Old Mortality one of my personal favorites.  St. Ronan’s Well is an attempt to cash in with Jane Austen’s public - the novel of manners not Scott’s strength - and Austen has far outdistanced him in readership mileage.  I remember also wondering aloud about this new-found attachment to a neglected 19^th-century writer, and my friend Ellen Hawkes telling me it seemed entirely natural, that in the wake of my father’s death, I was falling into the past, being  pulled by historical gravity, and revisiting his history by proxy.  (She knew the story about my dad and Trollope.)

I don’t mean to suggest that I’ve gravitated toward Gibbon in my dotage, but there’s some comfort in reading a book so unselfconsciously old-fashioned.  Gibbon’s mannerisms aren’t assumed, they’re entirely natural to the man, and the age he wrote for.  Decline and Fall was published, in six succeeding volumes, between 1776 and 1789.  As it happens, the years of the American and French revolutions, respectively.  Gibbon isn’t a synthesizer, he isn’t summarizing other histories, really, because he’s not that confident he can trust earlier sources.  A lot of the Latin was written to curry favor with whoever was newly risen to power.  Gibbon is weighing the evidence, and he’s not afraid to voice his opinion.  Much of the experience of reading Gibbon has to do with his cadences.  Once you get familiar with the grammar, and the peculiar punctuation, it swings right along.  He doesn’t sound dated, to my ear.

Writers used to insert themselves into the story.  And now, dear Reader is a common trope that we’ve abandoned, as a too-obvious cliché.  You can hark back to it with the first-person narrative, had I but known, but it’s labored, or clunky.  When you see it in a Regency writer, like Austen, though, or one of the Victorians, you don’t cringe.  You see it, almost, as period detail. 

There are conventions, unavoidably, in Gibbon, that bring you up quite sharply, sometimes.  It is a time capsule, two hundred and fifty years old.  But what seems right, to a modern reader, and which must have entertained his contemporaries, are his asides, and sly bits of business.  Here, the assassination of the emperor Caracalla, a capricious incompetent, murdered by his Praetorians.  “He was attended by a body of cavalry; but having stopped on the road for some necessary occasion, his guards preserved a respectful distance, and Martialis approaching his person under a pretence of duty, stabbed him with a dagger.  The bold assassin was instantly killed by a Scythian archer of the Imperial guard.”  In other words, he got a knife between his ribs while he was taking a leak.  The second point being that Martialis was quickly silenced before he could rat out any of the other plotters.  Gibbon doesn’t underline that.  He leaves it to you to fill in the blanks. 

There’s a whisper, in Decline and Fall, of the unreliable narrator.  Gibbon will tell you, the sources contradict each other - but here’s my best guess, and here’s why.  The other thing, is that he often speaks in a conversational tone, as if we already know the story, and he’s confiding extra detail that was left out before.  This has the effect of treating us as colleagues, and of making his history a dialogue, not a lecture.  He invites us to share his table, and does us the compliment of filling the glasses.

My main takeaway from Gibbon, stylistically, is that you can feel your way into a relaxed and amiable speech pattern that mimics common language, even if it’s not entirely natural, but rehearsed - something you might call demotic by design.  I don’t mean that it rings false, but it’s calculated.  Decline and Fall is going to run to a million and a half words, before he’s done, and he needs to find the rhythm.  Somewhere between the unmediated first-person and an omniscient third, Gibbon settles on a kind of public reveal, cautiously artless, as if presenting us with a display of many shiny distractions, some of which may prove to be treasure.  In a word, the book is fun to read. 

The lesson, if we need one, is that a little charm goes a long way.  A lot depends on voice.  Part of it is probably the 18^th- or 19^th-century locutions, and what we might say are anachronisms, but I think the appeal is simple.  Gibbon is approachable.  We should be so lucky.

You Don’t Need to Commit Murder to Have a Fabulous Author Website!

Last fall I realized my website was nearly a year out of date. How did this happen? Well, after many years of using a software program that I found easy to use, my website company had discontinued it, and I'd had to "upgrade." The new program, I was assured, would be simple to use. Ha! It was so not simple (at least for me) that I let my website languish. Eventually, I reached out to a member of my local Sisters in Crime chapter who I'd heard created websites. I told her I needed a system that was intuitive for me so I could easily update my site as needed after she moved everything over to my new host and improved the design. She delivered. That helpful person is Elise Kress, and she's here today to offer her insights to you.

— Barb Goffman 

"Every author should have a website."

 

— Juliet Grames, International bestselling author, Editorial Director at Soho Press

 

  

by Elise Kress

Is your website a sleuth or a victim?

 

The Sleuth:

Your website is out there working hard every day, helping readers find you and discover your books, and showcasing your style.

 

The Victim:

Call the coroner! Your website has been lying suspiciously still for years and needs immediate attention.

 

The good news is: whether your website resembles the meticulous Hercule Poirot or the messy Columbo, you can use these five easy steps to brush it up.

   

1. Buy your given name as a domain name.

Your domain name is your home; your unique address on the web. It’s what you type into the search bar to land on your website and how people search for and find you. (i.e.,  agathachristie.com)

 

If you haven’t yet bought your given name as a domain name, please stop reading and do it right now.

 

Be sure to buy your domain from a well-known and trusted company like GoDaddy or Namecheap. The cost is between $10 - $20 per year.

 

Or, you can buy your domain through your website host/builder. Squarespace, Wix and Showit all allow you to purchase your domain through their platform. You can then link your domain easily to your website on those sites.

 

I recommend that you put your domain name on auto-renew so that when your breakout novel comes out you, won’t lose your domain if it’s renewal time and your mind is on other tasks.

 

.Com is still the most popular suffix, but there are a lot of others. You’ll find this out when you purchase your domain because you’ll get a list of related domains that you can buy. It’s not necessary to own every iteration of your name. Choose one that’s easy to remember, repeat and type. You’ll be typing it a lot, and hopefully others will be too.

 

I do recommend buying any pen names you use; any name that is specifically and directly related to you.

 

Is your name already taken? You can add a descriptive word like colindexterauthor.com or colindexterbooks.com. Also, the .net suffix is widely used.

 

The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) allows over 1,000 suffixes. So if you crave a domain name with a suffix of .ninja or .noir, go for it! Just keep in mind that you will be repeating that name over and over again.

 

Should you buy the domain name of your famous recurring character? Perhaps. Domains don’t cost much and that keeps your character’s name out of the hands of scammers who might try to sell it back to you when you’re on the best sellers list.

 

Don’t have a website yet? BUY YOUR GIVEN NAME DOMAIN RIGHT NOW. You can own a domain without having a website. When you launch yours, it’s easy to attach the domain you bought.

Image by rawpixel.com 

Please do not buy your domain from an unknown source. I worked with a client who got her domain through a small web site design company. They set up everything for her. Then when she wanted to move to a different designer, they refused to release her domain for over eight months, while trying to sell her more products. Avoid this by getting your domain through recognized sources. Unfortunately, unscrupulous people abound. That’s good for our stories, but not for our websites!

  

2. Make it easy for visitors to stay in touch

 

You might use a pop-up window, a contact button or a form, maybe all of the above. You need visitors to stay in touch. They are your self-selected audience. Add several ways to sign up for news from you. 

 

When someone gives you their information, they’re telling you they like your work. These are the people who will come to your events, buy your books, and tell their friends. Repetition in this case works well. Don’t be afraid to give people different ways to stay in touch, even on your home page. Maybe they don’t like pop up windows. Maybe they never click on your contact button. Give them various chances to be your supporter.

 

Once people start sending you their email addresses, you’ll need a place to store them and a program to send out news. That’s where an email marketing program comes in. Programs like Mailchimp, Kit (formerly Convertkit) and MailerLite will work with your website to automate mass mailings. Squarespace and Wix now offer integrated email marketing if you have your website on their platform. They may not have every feature that the dedicated programs have, but they’re easy to use and set up.

 

You can use your email list for newsletters, blogs, and announcements. If you happen to have a good-sized list, you’ll be happy, and your agent and publisher will be charmed.

 

Do you have another company that you use for email marketing? Please let me know in the comments!

   

3. Make it easy for visitors to buy your books

Okay. You have your expressive website. It evokes tension and talent. You have a great headline and a killer review. You’ve got a dynamite photo of yourself smiling slyly, holding your latest book with an enticing description. Your visitor is enchanted. They’re ready to buy. But how?

 

Be sure to put a button or link near the top of your home page to take your visitor directly to your preferred bookseller. Do not make them guess or hunt for it.

 

Of course you’re not limited to one bookseller button/link. Somewhere on your site you’ll want to give visitors a selection of retailers that carry your book. Maybe the button/link on your home page takes the visitor to a list of your preferred sellers. You want to make it as easy as possible for the visitor to do what you want--join your email list and buy your book.

 

*Note: Be sure that links to any other websites, such as booksellers, open in new tabs so the viewer can’t close your site without realizing it.

  

4. Make sure your website looks great on a phone

 

If Columbo’d had a cell phone, he’d be texting “one more thing” every minute! The average person spends four hours on their phone every day.

 

What does your site look like on a phone? On a tablet?

 

Take time periodically to check that your website looks just as dazzling on other devices as it does on your desktop. Some website builders allow you to edit your mobile site separately from your desktop view. Given how much we are glued to our phones these days, that’s a big plus. Squarespace, Wix and Showit all allow separate editing functions for your mobile site.

 

Here is a short check list for you when you check your website on a phone:

• Does the site title and main image resize appropriately?
• Is the navigation easy to find?
• Do all the buttons/links work?
• Is it easy to find where to buy your books?
• Do all the pages look good?

Your readers and future readers will thank you.

 

5. Update your website every three months

 

DON’T PANIC! You don’t need to redo your entire website design every three months. Updates can be as simple as a new photo, a new article, a new event or a new blog post. But if your languishing website hasn’t been updated in years, readers will stop checking in. Add something new a few times a year to reassure your readers that you are active and flourishing.

  

One simple thing to keep up-to-date is your website copyright. Update it annually or include the current year in a date range (i.e., © 2022-2026). Nothing says I haven’t been tending my website like a 2011 copyright.

 

BONUS TIP: Refrain from posting the cute photo that your friend took that is just a little bit out of focus. Everything on your website speaks to who you are as an author. Make sure your photos are high resolution that draw the viewer’s eye.

 

Do you have a favorite tip for brushing up your website? I'd love to hear about it in the comments. 

 

Elise Kress is a website designer, specializing in authors’ sites. She plays Celtic music and is working on her first mystery novel. www.ekwebdesign.net

 

As time goes by

I made the mistake of going back to read some of my favorite hard science fiction novels, most of which had been published in the late 20th century.  Brilliant, inventive works as they are, the writers got some of the science wrong.  Not their fault, the updated information had yet to be discovered.  Sadly, some of the undergirding plot lines depended on these false predictions, which caused the books to fall apart faster than a reflecting pool renovation.

The dangers of anachronisms lurk within literature as a whole, though not usually with the dire consequences of forecasting an event that hasn’t yet taken place.  Much of the absurd quibbling over the Odessey movie revolves around controversial moral and social updates, though the basic scaffolding remains intact and easily accessible by our tender 21^st century sensibilities. This is largely true of most of the historical novels I’ve read, mysteries and otherwise, a credit to the authors’ disciplined research.   

(A shout-out here to Jim Benn’s Billy Boyle WWII mysteries, focusing on an era I’ve taken an interest in, which never disappoint, or have me reaching for Wikipedia.)    

When the question arises at writers conferences on how to deal with the assault of advanced technology, in particular the ease with which you can now instantly harvest information about nearly everything without leaving your parents’ basement, some authors breezily say they just set their books before all that happened. 

However, if you chose to start the timeline even a couple decades in the past, you better be on your toes.  You might say, yeah, but I was there!  To which I’d reply, how’s that long term memory working?  Brain scientists will tell you not as good as you think.  Never has the term “trust but verify” been more true.  Nor the value of border collie-like fact checkers of greater value.

One thing’s for sure.  It’s a lot more interesting to follow Phillip Marlowe – as he drives around in his jalopy, intrudes on people’s privacy, drops dimes into payphones and hectors reliable sources in the LAPD or Los Angeles Times – then to describe a lonely guy tapping out commands to Gemini or ChatGPT.

            If there ever was an existential threat to the business of murder mysteries, this is it.  Having your hero hook up with a tech nerd helps – I’ve got one myself – though this has now become such a tired trope, I wish I hadn’t succumbed to the temptation.  On some TV shows, the humans in the operation are reduced to performing the few tasks left to them, such as punching bad guys in the face, or appreciating a nice sunset.  It’s worse when equally clever geeks are on either side of the good vs. evil divide, trying to out-tech each other.  Why not just have Hera and Athena duke it out with lightning bolts, like they did in the old days?  At least the pretense of human agency is not an issue. 

Science fiction, ever resilient despite the risks, has some solutions.  In one book, alien bacteria have eaten all the insulation around electronic conductors, collapsing the whole edifice.  In another, there’s a super cyberintellience, but it turns out it likes to lie, just for fun.  Alien lifeforms are often good for mixing it up, especially when the author has the sense to grace the other worlders with entirely different sets of urges and motivations.   

Chaos Theory (interestingly named, since it actually delineates order within seemingly chaotic dynamic systems) features the state of phase transition, such as the frenzied condition of liquid H2O right before it turns into steam.  We’re living in such a thing ourselves, caught between past experience and the hurtling uncertainties of the future.

             A friend of mine, a retired stockbroker, has a healthy catalog of aphorisms that helped guide his career.  One of my favorites is, “People have a tendency to extrapolate current circumstances indefinitely into the future.”  Science would agree this is entirely fallacious, since the only constant in the universe is that everything has a cycle, that current circumstances will always change, you just don’t know exactly how.  There is no Steady State, even though Einstein once tried to prove there was, an effort he later abandoned, somewhat sheepishly. 

Perhaps the most reliable constant informing literature is that people are infinitely complex, and that love, vulnerability and death play havoc with every being’s emotional and intellectual composition.  The human factors may vary with the sociology of the era, but the fundamental things apply.

Maybe not forever, but for now, that’s good enough. 

On-The-Nose Dialogue

One of the most iconic lines of dialogue in movies is from Jaws, 1975.

"You're gonna need a bigger boat."

Sheriff Brody's retort reveals his sense of humour in the face of terror, and his understatement as to the size of their adversary. Brody isn't literally suggesting they head back to shore and procure a larger vessel.

"That's a big shark. We're going to have a lot of trouble catching that."

Had Brody said this line of on-the-nose dialogue instead, the scene would have had no spark, nothing about his character would have been revealed, and people certainly wouldn't be quoting it half a century later.

Why is that line on-the nose?

Because it's too literal, too explicit. It's so direct and free of ambiguity or subtext, stating exactly what the character is thinking, that the character may as well be a robot.

Etymology: The expression "on-the-nose" originated at the track in the early 20^th century. Bettors would wager “on the nose,” meaning on a horse to win outright, not place or show. This usage meant directly, exactly, no hedging.

Dialogue is the fuel that runs a story. It moves the story forward, reveals character, delivers information, and gives a story its identity. Think of movies like All About Eve, written by Joseph Mankiewicz, or Pulp Fiction, written by Quentin Tarantino, or books like The Big Sleep and Farewell, My Lovely, written by Raymond Chandler. The dialogue in these works has a certain flavour and sparkle that is distinctive and memorable – goals for any writer.

At the other end of the scale is on-the-nose dialogue. It has no sparkle or uniqueness. It states literally what a character thinks, feels, or intends, with zero subtext, tension, or ambiguity. It's the weakest form of dialogue because there is nothing for the reader to infer or learn about the character saying it.

On-the-nose dialogue:

Tells instead of shows	"I'm angry."
Names emotions instead of dramatising them	“I’m so happy you are my friend”
Explains motives instead of revealing them	“I don’t love him anymore.”
Removes tension by stating the truth directly	“I did not hit her. I did not!”
Feels like the writer speaking, not the character	"This is about building trust."

The failure of on-the-nose dialogue is its lack of dramatic subtlety. It's artificial. People don't talk like that in real life. And when they do in movies or books, they are merely "devices" for the author to convey information or exposition, not three-dimensional characters with which we want to invest our time and interest.

Real people almost never articulate their emotions, especially when they’re hurt or under pressure. They dodge, joke, stall, contradict themselves, or circle the truth without touching it. So, when a character says, “I’m angry because you betrayed me,” the line may be factually correct, but it lands flat. The audience already feels the anger from the situation; saying it out loud drains the moment of tension and robs the scene of its dramatic charge.

Three ways you can avoid on-the-nose dialogue:

• Subtext
• Behaviour instead of explanation
• Misdirection

Subtext is the invisible layer beneath what's said and what's meant. It's the emotional or psychological truth that characters don’t say outright. Write about what the character wants in the moment, not what they feel. A character who wants reassurance might say, “Are you coming home tonight?” instead of “I’m afraid you’re pulling away from me.” The first line carries need, insecurity, and tension in its unspoken subtext. It lets the audience do the interpretive work.

Behaviour instead of explanation. Let your characters reveal emotion through actions like hesitation, interruption, sarcasm, and silence, rather than expressing that emotion directly. A snarky "Whatever" can communicate someone's hurt more effectively than a paragraph about feeling dismissed. Two characters arguing about what movie to go and see may actually be arguing about trust or resentment.

Misdirection. Let your characters talk about something trivial and mundane when something important is at stake. This creates tension and realism. Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction (Royale with cheese) where hitmen Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield are driving to confront a group of young men in an apartment? They don't talk about the violence they're going to unleash; they talk about hash smoking, hamburgers, and putting mayonnaise on French fries. This is just another day at the office for these two. Killing people is no big deal.

On-the-nose dialogue is fine in the first draft. The writer is still discovering the emotional architecture of the scene, and once the structure is understood, the writer can return to the dialogue and replace literal statements with gestures, contradictions, or lines that reveal character through voice rather than exposition. Remember the golden rule: The key to writing is rewriting.

The real key to avoiding on‑the‑nose dialogue is trusting the reader. Drama lives in the space between what’s spoken and what’s actually meant. Give your dialogue moments of silence, suggestion, and ambiguity. That space – the part the reader fills in themselves – is where your story comes alive.

www.StephenRoss.net

www.Mean.City

The Human Condition

This month, I'm pleased to welcome one of my fellow Mesdames of Mayhem, Hope Thompson, to this blog.  I was particularly intrigued by the topic today, The Human Condition.  You'll see how this post complements my post for next month, How Important is Plot? 

Take it away, Hope!

The Human Condition

by Hope Thompson 

Do you ever read books and immediately forget the plot? As the weeks and months and years pass after reading a crime or mystery novel, I often cannot recall all or even any of the twists and turns of a particular story.  But something that always stays with me are character details - qualities as in British author Ruth Rendell's famous Wexford series set in the fictional Sussex town of Kingsmarkham.  In these books, her protagonist, Detective Reginald Wexford was deeply troubled by one fact: he loved one of his daughters more than the other.  Why did this exquisitely sorrowful detail stick with me?  Through her detective's painful admission, the author reveals a precious detail of the imperfectness of love.  In a story about death, she makes us think about life.

In the fifth book of the American author Patricia Highsmith's wonderful Ripley series, Ripley Under Water, readers find its dubious hero, Tom Ripley, living a luxurious life with his wife, Heloise, in the French countryside.  However, when a peculiar American couple show up and rent a nearby house and appear to be in pursuit of Ripley, he lies to his wife about the threat.  He is a master of the lie.  And his wife seems to know that he's lying but chooses not to question him.  While she seems to suspect something about the strange couple, in particular, and about Tom's dark deeds, in general, she says nothing.  Her stability is worth more to her than the truth.  Like Reginald Wexford, this secondary character stays with me.  In this finely drawn portrait, Highsmith holds up a mirror to all of us.  In how many ways do we turn away and choose not to see and to know, to preserve the peace and stability of our own lives?

In his treatise on suspense writing, the great noir master, Raymond Chandler wrote that, "...the detective story, even in its most conventional form, is difficult to write well.  Good specimens of the art are much rarer than good serious novels.  Second-rate items outlast most of the high-velocity fiction, and a great many that should never have been born simply refuse to die at all.  They are as durable as the statues in public parks and just about as dull." 

I agree with Chandler.  Writing crime fiction is difficult to do well.  For me, the best stories start and end with characters whose thoughts, words and actions pull back the curtain and give readers a glimpse into the frailty and complexity of the human condition.

 

 

Hope Thompson’s debut noir short story collection is Dark Thoughts & Other Stories, and is available on AMAZON

https://hopethompson.net/ 

Angry Joe Writes A Letter

 

Months ago, my wife and I were invited to a community fundraiser event that would take place sometime this fall. At the beginning, the emails were somewhat vague because the people organizing it were just feeling everyone out. If they could get a group of writers to commit, would we consider attending to this quasi-literary, quasi-fundraiser thingie for a good cause?

We said yes.

Throughout the summer, emails came and went. The list of local writers grew. Fine. Great. That’s what happens. I stopped paying attention because while the emails were always wordy, actual details were sparse. At some point, a local bookstore agreed to send a staffer to sell the books of any writers attending this event. The evening had morphed into a book event and community fundraiser. I had never heard of such a thing.

About a week ago, a pair of emails arrived that struck me as incoherent. In the same graf, organizers asked writers to bring copies of their own books to give as gifts to VIP donors. And they reminded us that the bookstore would be on hand to sell copies as well.

Well, thought I, which was it?

If the bookstore will be on site, why would I need to bring my books? The way I saw it, there are too many ways such a thing can go south.

1. Writer A brings three books. Writer B brings 50. These “offerings,” if I may so describe them, would be lopsided.
2. Just because an author wrote a book does not mean that someone they are schmoozing with wants to take home a copy of said author’s book.
3. Unwanted gifts suck.
4. Not everyone is a reader.
5. Even if a person is a heavy reader, their tastes are bound to differ from the next guy. Offering a book to someone who has no intention of reading it falls into creepy, unwanted gift territory. It also makes writers look desperate.
6. Writers may indeed have their books lying around their homes. But chances are they paid something for them, and hope to sell them or offer them to someone who will appreciate it.

By the time I reached this point, I was angry. (Yes, folks—it happens.) Naturally, I sat down to write an email. Boy, was it satisfying. Spleen vented, I knew immediately that I also would never send that letter.

Because I’m chicken? No—because I am like Abraham Lincoln.

I know it’s a stretch, but work with me here.

All his life Lincoln had a practice where, if someone pissed him off, he’d write a letter to get those feelings off his chest. Then he’d stick the letter in a drawer and never send it. He called them “hot” letters.

His most famous hot letter was one he wrote in 1863 to Major General Meade right after Gettysburg. It was, you recall, a terrible, three-day battle that left 50,000 dead. About the same number of casualties on each side, but the battle was still considered a victory for the Union. Its conclusion came when troops under the command of Robert E. Lee retreated. Meade could have pursued them, crushed them, and taken prisoners. But he and his men were exhausted, and he declined to take that action.

In the letter Lincoln wrote but never sent, he said:

“…[M]y dear general, I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee’s escape-- He was within your easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with … our other late successes, have ended the war-- As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely. If you could not safely attack Lee last Monday, how can you possibly do so South of the river, when you can take with you very few more [than] two thirds of the force you then had in hand? It would be unreasonable to expect, and I do not expect you can now effect much. Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed immeasurably because of it--

“I beg you will not consider this a prosecution, or persecution of yourself-- As you had learned that I was dissatisfied, I have thought it best to kindly tell you why.”

I think we can all agree that if this is Lincoln when he was angry, maybe his practice of writing hot letters in the course of his life had served him well.

I myself have never told someone that I was “immeasurably distressed.” I have never been that, um, measured about anything. That’s why, in certain circles, I have earned the nickname Angry Joe.

I encountered my first hot letter as a kid, though I did not know it at the time. Working on a school project on the life of Benjamin Franklin, I came across this doozy, dated July 5, 1775, about three months after Lexington and Concord:

Mr. [William] Strahan:

You are a Member of Parliament, and one of that Majority which has doomed my Country to Destruction. You have begun to burn our Towns, and murder our People. Look upon your hands! They are stained with the Blood of your Relations! You and I were long Friends; You are now my Enemy, and I am, Yours

B Franklin

I was in eighth grade when I came across that letter in a book. I loved it so much, I committed it to memory.

As with Lincoln, Franklin never sent his letter to Strahan, though he shared it with others as a way of letting his feelings be known and exorcising his rage.

Going on the assumption that this might well work for me, here’s the email I didn’t send.

Dear J—,

We haven’t met, so forgive me if this sounds rude. It is unclear to me why the writers invited to this fundraiser are being asked to bring copies of their books as “donations” for the major donors.

According to the link you shared, VIP donors are those who can afford to donate $500 to $3,500 per person to the cause. If this is a night to celebrate local writers—and considering the local bookstore will be on-site with books for sale—I am sure the VIPs can inspect and purchase whatever they like. Given what the VIPs will have paid to attend, our books are a steal at only $15 to $30 a copy.

Unless, of course, this is actually an evening where local professionals are gathering to offer their services for free to everyone in attendance.

If that is the case, then count me in!

If there is a physician offering free medical consultations, I have an elbow that needs looking at. If attorneys are offering free legal advice, I’ll take that too. And I am happy to accept any interest-free loans local business owners wish to extend.

Please understand that when you ask a writer to give something for free, you are implicitly devaluing their work and reducing them to the status of an organ grinder’s monkey.

Here is a link to one of the greats, Harlan Ellison, explaining this simple concept.

I said good day, sir. 

Cordially, 

Joe D’Agnese

And yes, SleuthSayers, I will attend the event. But I’ll arrive empty-handed.

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See you next time!

Joe

josephdagnese.com

The Enemy

When you read / write enough literature, you realize that almost all of it involves overcoming an enemy.  So pick a good one.  

There's the villain, the betrayer, the bully, the sociopath, the serial killer (of whom I am sick unto death), the false friend, the false lover, the rival, the Cain to one's Abel, and all the variations on the theme.  The enemy is the source of tension, that keeps everyone's attention on what the enemy will do next, and the reason why it matters for the hero to win - or lose.  

BTW:  it helps if you pick a good hero, too.

Sometimes the enemy is even more interesting than the hero, and thus the anti-hero is born.  And then the writer has to come up with a new enemy, because even an anti-hero has to have someone to outfight and outwit.  

Sometimes the new enemy is inside the hero / anti-hero:  addiction, PTSD, vampirism (the basis of the whole Twilight series), fear, past crimes, loss, obsession...  Or just self.  

Of course, sometimes you don't know who the enemy is:

Disturbing confession found in abandoned house:

"We found this baseboard in a closet of an abandoned house that recently sold and we were there to give owner an estimate for renovation. The house in an old gated lake community. Everyone there knows everyone and all people’s pasts. The HOA is calling the sheriff to see if they need to investigate further with cadaver dogs at “17” which is a vacant lot where a house once stood.... The HOA board decided to involve the sheriff’s department and 5 deputies and a detective showed up to take a look and collect the board."  (reddit)

There are rumors that this has been entirely made up, and if so, I think that Hollywood should track the person down and put them to good use, either writing or manufacturing sets for thrillers.

AND SOMETIMES YOU FIND OUT THE HARD WAY:

Irish Holiday Home Owner:

SOMETIMES THEY TAG TEAM:

Mothers and Sons:

NON-ALIVE ENEMIES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN POPULAR:

DATA CENTERS

And sometimes, a very unlikely hero:

"Former Playboy Playmate Audra Christiansen told Hefner in 2005 that she had allegedly been sexually abused and trafficked by Epstein, leading to a legal complaint in a Florida court which, sadly, was ignored until now.... The documents allege Hefner subsequently contacted the FBI several times with information about Christiansen’s claims. Yet, according to the legal complaint, the agency did not follow up with her until October 2020, which is roughly 15 years after the initial report."  (LINK)

As one commenter said:  "When Hugh Hefner thinks you’re dodgy…"

I can see it now... someone's going to start writing Hugh Hefner Investigates novels.  They'll sell a ton of them, too...