07 October 2012

Crime Dairy

camembertby Leigh Lundin

A joint Canadian-American task force brought down an international cheese smuggling ring of American smugglers and Canadian police. Readers who may remember the Great Hair Raid by Orlando authorities might be less familiar with a previous, rather cheesy take-down.

Return with us now to that nerve-curdling case…

Lt. Jack Colby said, "This case grates on me and we can't wait any longer for leads to mature. The time is ripe. We've got to stick that krafty Kolonel Karl KäseKopf in the cooler."
Deputy Chester Shire replied, "He's the big cheese, a sharpster, the cream of crime, the big Dutch cheese wheel, …"

"Don't butter me up," the lieutenant said with a sour expression, "and don't kid me. That really gets my goat."

"Sorry, sir, I guess I milk puns for all they're worth," he said sheepishly.

"KäseKopf lacks culture. He bets on the spread, wedging out the competition. He skims profits and demands a slice of the action. I want to see him fry. But though he shredded the prosecution, there're holes in his case."
"Right sir. What about Belle Paese?"

"Any way you slice it, she's cut from the same mold, but cheese is no cottage industry. Mae Tag and Harvey T. teamed with rebel Kurds in Jarlesberg who smuggle through Port Salut."

"All the way from Monterey, Jack."

"Krafty devils. We can't afford a mild response but I don't want any cheesecake shooting."

"I've got an idea, sir. Let me run it past your eyes…"
"Did you say rennet pasteurize?"

"Er, no sir. But a case in point…"

"Casein… You're doing it again, Detective."

"Sorry sir. This smells off, whey off. I mean this lot stinks to high heaven. But what if we set a mouse trap?"

Maytag blue cheese"Hmm, a trap for the Big Cheese? Yes, brick 'em, Danno! Let our men in bleu trap the rats, process the American head cheese, and let the wheels of justice shred their defense. Mmm, tasty. But I swear this case has aged me."

"You've simply matured, sir, although your complexion looks a bit waxy. It will be a breeze, a fait accompli."

"Did you say bries and feta?"

"You've been at this too long, sir."

"Right you are. After the derby, set up in the Stilton Hotel. KäseKopf… we'll chop that munster into pieces. For some reason, I'm hungry. Let's order lunch."
"I'll have the pickles, slim burger, cheese…"

"Limburger cheese?"
Fortunately the sting came off without a hiccup. Lt. Jack Colby and Detective Chester Shire arrested a smelly Karl KäseKopf. At they booked him into jail, the last words police photographer Fontina Tilsit heard the uncultured criminal say was…


Fran Rizer said...

Leigh, having been up writing for most of the night, I'm a bit too weary to come up with a witty comment on this column. I'll leave that to other readers by just saying, "Clever, but I'm not sure WW, AHMM, or EQMM will buy this!"

Janice said...

I'll take a nerve curdling case any day!

Robert Lopresti said...

well, that was painful. Thank you, Leigh. Many years ago when some hoaxsters claimed to have found a diary by Hitler the New Yorker published an article titled Hitler's Secret Diary, which was a bit confusing because all the entries were about milk production and ypgurts, until you went back and reread the title... It did not sy Diary, of course.

Leigh Lundin said...

Fran and Janice, I'm afraid I soured publishers on this article.

Rob, not every article I write can be the crème de la crème. (sigh)

Velma said...

Sheena sent in this sweet article about another Canadian crime.

David Dean said...

Cheese it, you guys!

Louis A. Willis said...

Cheese, like I always say don't avoid cliches and puns, and all that other stuff writers are told to avoid using, use them imaginatively.

Leigh Lundin said...

(laughing) Thanks, guys.

It's good to have silliness once in a while.

A Broad Abroad said...

No whey

Leigh Lundin said...

It's easy to miss, but ABA included a cheesy link in her comment.

Eve Fisher said...

And here I am, lactose intolerant. Sigh.