by Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)
(With apologies to both Monty Python and George Carlin)
I write about the mob. This might lead some people to believe I am an expert in crime. As there may be law enforcement officers reading this post, I'm not going to write about that. Instead, I'm going to talk about crime prevention. (*Waves* to relatives in Palermo.)
Somebody who didn't know about my alleged area of expertise tried to sell me a home security device the other day. Apparently, this device is rigged so that it would alert me when someone was breaking into the house. This amazed me, in that - if I am home - I usually know when someone is breaking into my house. Rather than announce his presense ("A Burglar, Madam") it would seem to me a lot more useful if someone would invent something that would bog the intruder over the head.
But I don't need fancy home security systems because there is no possible way a burglar could get past my secret weapon. It's cheap and it's foolproof. It's so fiendish, I expect it will soon be outlawed at the next Geneva Convention.
Let me put it this way: if the Spanish Inquisition had known about it, everyone would have confessed to everything.
LOCATION: Madrid, 15 something-or-other, in a damp dungeon (not even a three-star)
"Stubborn, eh? Still won't confess? Okay, Cardinal Wolsey - bring out the secret weapon!"
(horrified gasps all around)
"Not the (gulp) not the..."
"Yes! (fiendish giggle) Get the little pieces of LEGO!"
"ARGH! No please! No! I confess!"
It works like this: You step on the itty bitty piece of Lego, whereupon it pierces your bare foot, sending searing needles of agony all the way up to your brain. This in turn causes all of your bones to suddenly melt and turn you into a pain-filled gibbering mass of jelly on the floor.
I don't know if you have ever walked barefoot across a minefield of individual Lego bits, but believe me, our intelligence agencies have missed out on a good weapon. Marbles have a similar effect, but those little plastic Lego corners kind put the icing on the proverbial meatcake (man, am I mixing comedy sketches here.)
Methinks the Lego people have missed a terrific marketing opportunity here. In fact, right after this column is done, I'm going into business. "Killer Lego" should be on the shelves by Christmas, ready to be scatter on floors everywhere. Hopefully, before relatives arrive.
Actually, if you really want to keep burglars away, it's simple. And yes, I actually heard this from the horse-er-relative's mouth. Throw a few ride-um toys on the front lawn of your home - preferably boy ones. Then everyone will know you have kids, so there couldn't possible be anything of value left inside your house...
Melodie Campbell writes funny books about the mob. But she denies that THE BOOTLEGGER'S DAUGHTER is a roman a clef. You can judge yourself.