19 July 2014

I Am Not a "sexy porn gerl" and other Twitter Mishaps


by Melodie Campbell

Okay, I admit it.  I'm a literary slut.

My mentor, the late novelist Michael Crawley, called me that because I write in several genres (mystery, time travel, fantasy.)  Sometimes all at once in the same book.  This girl gets around.

But these days - like everyone else - my publishers are turning me into a social media whore. (Whoops, did I say that on prime time? <blush>)

"Frolic on Facebook!" they say.  "Tattle on Twitter!" they insist.  "Get out there!"

I'm out there, all right.  I'm so far out there, I may need mouth to mouth and a slug of scotch to crawl my way back.  (Yes, what follows is the absolute truth.)

The Inciting Incident:

It started with the Berlin Brothel.  Lord knows why a brothel in Berlin decided to follow me on Twitter.  I don’t live in Berlin.  I’ve never worked in a brothel.  Don’t think I’ve even typed the word ‘brothel’ before now.  I certainly haven’t said it out loud.

Then some wag from Crime Writers of Canada said: “Maybe they’ve read your first book Rowena Through the Wall.  That’s it!  You have a following in Germany. The girls who work there have to do something in their downtime.”

Let me do a cyberspace blush here.  Okay, my first book is a little hot.  “Hot and hilarious” as one industry reviewer put it.  But it’s not x-rated.  It’s not even R, according to my daughter.  (Husband has yet to read it. We’ve hidden it well.)

Then friend Alison said: “It’s a brothel!  Maybe your latest crime comedy, The Goddaughter’s Revenge, is required reading by the owners.”

But back to Berlin. I didn’t follow them back. Somehow, that didn’t matter. The word was out.

‘Amateurvids’ announced they were following me.  Good, I thought.  I like nature films.  Take it from me, this outfit doesn’t film bunnies in the wild.  Well, maybe a certain type of wild bunny.

I didn’t follow them back.

Then ‘Dick Amateur’ showed up, wanting to connect. Author friend Gloria read a few of his posts and said: “You at least deserve a Pro.”

So I didn’t follow him back.

Next, I got “Swingersconnect” following me.  Swingers?  I get sick on a tire hanging from a tree.

I didn’t follow them back.

‘Thepornfiles’ were next in line.  I didn’t peek.

Then two days ago, an outfit specializing in ‘male penis enhancement’ turned up. Now, I ask you.  Do I look like a male in my profile photo?  Is Melodie a male name?  And not to be pedantic, but isn’t ‘male’ in front of the p-word a bit redundant?  Is there any other kind?

Which brings me to the tweet in my twitter-box today:  “Hey sexy porn gerl!” (Yes, that’s girl with an e.)  Let me state categorically that I am not now and have never been a “sexy porn gerl” (with an ‘e’ or any other vowel.)

You wouldn’t want me to be.  No one would.  For one thing, I can’t see two feet in front of me without glasses.  Things that used to be perky now swing south. And my back hurts if I bend over to pick up a grape. 

So I’m not following them back.

Melodie Campbell is an infant Sleuthsayer and this is her second column.  She writes comedies, including The Goddaughter mob caper series and the notorious Rowena Through the Wall S&S series.  (That was Sword and Sorcery, not S&M.  For the record.)

20 comments:

Fran Rizer said...

Melodie,I can totally relate.
I keep getting those ED ads for someone who died in 1988. I gave up on asking them to please stop sending them and finally responded, "He's dead and has experienced his last stiffness." That should have stopped it, but I received yet another letter from them stating that sometimes a marriage can feel dead, but their product could bring life back into the relationship. I gave up and when it's social media, I just delete, delete, delete.

janice law said...

Love the cover!

Anonymous said...

I love your sense of humor! I don't have that gift and I so admire those of you who do! Thelma Straw in Manhattan

David Dean said...

Melodie, I feel your pain on this issue. In recent years I have become the "love" target of rapacious females from around the world--including such exotic locales as Belarus and Nigeria! They hound me with their siren calls for "friendship" via the internet, and even Skype. I feel so soiled somehow, yet my failure to respond has had little effect.

Oddly, during this same time frame, my powerful, animal allure has been largely ignored on the home front.

Melodie Campbell said...

Fran, I am spitting out coffee giggling! Thanks for that morning smile.

Melodie Campbell said...

Thelma, thank you for your kind words this morning! Oddly enough, many publishers seem to be wary of broad comedy (and the broad is no joke). Luckily, the editors at Orca and Imajin are super witty themselves.

Melodie Campbell said...

David, never fear: your allure (founded on your obviously clever wit) is reaching up into Toronto now ;)

Eve Fisher said...

LOL! (And this is not coming from a brothel) And all I get is Nigerians, asking me to move money...

Leigh Lundin said...

Love the comments!

>Things that used to be perky now swing south…
You mean toward the US?

Melodie, as I learned in John Burdett's Bangkok 8 series, 'male penis enhancement' isn't necessarily redundant, not at all.

Melodie Campbell said...

Leigh, let me know if I bonk any American in the eye. Er, knee.

Brenda said...

LOLOL, Melodie. I have many...strange--followers on twit. Of course I don't follow the questionable ones back, lol. I've been lucky on facebook. So far I have had only one man--or so I'm guessing it was a male. His pic showed a man, but hey, never know-- try and contact me with his desire to get to know me better, hehehe.

John Floyd said...

Ah, the benefits of modern technology.

I needed this post, today--it's an otherwise gloomy weekend here.

Herschel Cozine said...

Melodie, I'd love to get to know you; however your reluctance to take advantage of your many offers probably makes that impossible.

I have been offered Russian brides and a whole host (hostess?) of opportunities to have fun. My wife deletes them. As for performance enhancement, longer and louder orgasms, the very thought is frightening.

Thanks for a fun column.

Melodie Campbell said...

Herschel, I am mostly harmless (like Earth. Lordy, do I love Douglas Adams.) I promise to follow you on Twitter, if you follow me :) And I won't even lead you astray. Much.

Herschel Cozine said...

Melodie, it won't happen.
Here are some things I consider a waste of time:

Guard duty during basic training
Standing in airport security lines.
Watching "Gilligan's Island" reruns.
Twitter, (and Facebook)

Steve Steinbock said...

I wonder how sex-workers, Nigerian businessmen, and distributors of "male enhancement" products would feel if they were being cyber-stalked by crime writers.

Dixon Hill said...

Your humor had me rolling!

Melodie Campbell said...

snort - love it, Steve. A passel of crime author stalkers...we can recruit at Bouchercon :)
And thanks for the kind words,Dixon!

Melodie Campbell said...

Postscript: (and I swear this is the truth) Twitter just informed me that I am being followed by "Show Me Your Bits."
I'm going to get a scotch now.

Rita Bailey said...

Hey Mel,
The Twitter Pool is deep and there are no lifeguards! Thanks for the laughs! A great way to end my day.