Next week was supposed to be the 
Bouchercon in Sacramento.  Alas, it had to had to move to virtual  due to 
you-know-what. Some of you are no doubt mourning for all the panels you
 won't get to attend in person, the bars you won't get to close, etc.
I
 can't help you with the bars, but maybe I can cause you to miss the 
panels a little less. Last year I wrote a play inspired by many panels I
 attended at mystery, science fiction, and library conferences.    I 
present it here for your amusement.  (And by the way, if anyone wants to
 perform it... contact me.)
  | 
| Jewish Noir panel, Raleigh Bouchercon* | 
THE INSPIRATION PANEL
The
 stage is set for a typical conference panel: two tables together 
lengthwise, covered with black tablecloths.  Water pitchers and five 
glasses.  Three microphones.  Five chairs behind.
EVE walks onto 
the stage, with a great sense of purpose. She is forty, dressed 
flashily, but not expensively.  She carries five name tents which she 
carefully places on the tables.  From left to right they read: EVE 
BROCKHURST, CHARLES LEMMON, DEBORAH DRAKE, BILL FONTANA, AMY KITE.  
As
 EVE is going around the table to her seat DEBORAH arrives. She is in 
her thirties, dressed in business attire.  She reads the tents, 
stiffens, and then switches her tent with CHARLES’.  As she comes around
 to her seat the others arrive, read the tents, and take their places.
After a beat EVE looks down the line, nods at the panelists and then smiles at the audience.
EVE 
Welcome,
 everyone!  Have you been enjoying our annual writer’s conference?  
Good, good!  This is the Inspiration Panel, just in case you boarded the
 wrong flight.  
(She laughs at her own joke.)  My name is Eve Brockhurst
 and I am the author of six books of poetry, including 
The Falling of 
the Dew, which our local newspaper called “remarkably sincere.”  The 
fact is, I was surprised to be asked to moderate a panel, even one as 
distinguished as this.  I figured the committee would need me to speak 
on the Poetry Panel, or the Nature Panel.  Or even the Marketing Panel. 
 
(Brightening by sheer will power.)  But Fraser, our dear director, told
 me that what he needed most was a strong personality who could keep 
these ferocious characters in line!
  | 
| Readers Recommends panel, Toronto Bouchercon | 
  | 
She gestures at her panel. 
DEBORAH looks irritated.  
CHARLES is slumped in his seat. He is sixty years old and wears a sports coat with no tie.  
BILL is all coiled energy. He is in his thirties, dressed in business casual.  
AMY is glowingly happy.  She is in her late twenties and dressed younger.
EVE 
But
 that’s more than enough about me.  It’s time to introduce our wonderful
 panelists who will inform and, dare I say it, inspire you today.  First
 on my left is Charles Lemmon.  He is-
She looks left and 
realizes for the first time that DEBORAH is sitting next to her.  She 
does a quick check down the line to see that everyone else is there.
EVE  
Whoops!  
 My mistake. Someone did a little shuffle on me.  
(She sorts her 
notes.)  First in line is Deborah Drake, the author of the new romance 
novel—
DEBORAH 
Women’s fiction.
EVE 
Excuse me?
DEBORAH  
Women’s
 fiction.  It’s about real-life problems.  Not the kind you can solve by
 going to bed with a man whose chest size is higher than his IQ.
EVE 
O-kay.  I can see you have a lot on your mind today.  Deborah’s woman’s fiction -- Woman’s?
  | 
Short story panel, Bouchercon 2017
  | 
DEBORAH 
Women’s.
EVE 
Thanks.
 It’s about a woman suffering from Reynaud’s Syndrome and it’s called 
The Girl With Cold Fingers.  The first time I met Deborah was at a 
conference just like this three or four years ago.  She came up after a 
panel to tell me how much she had enjoyed my book 
The Dancing of the 
Leaves, and I complimented her on her taste.   It’s so wonderful to see a
 person one has mentored becoming a success.  Deborah, our subject is 
inspiration.  In general, what inspires you?
DEBORAH 
Great 
question, Eve.  I find that there are sparks all around if you know how 
to look for them.  I’m thinking right now that my next book might be 
about a woman with a stalker, maybe a former lover who is too 
self-centered and frankly too thick to take no for an answer.
BILL is getting more and more agitated.
EVE 
Well,
 that is certainly the sort of real-life problem many of us women have 
had to face.  Is this based your personal experience or something you’ve
 heard about or…
DEBORAH 
As you said we all face this sort of
 thing from time to time.  Men who think they have a right to your 
attention, who don’t understand when they are not wanted—
BILL 
What about the men who have been led on?
DEBORAH 
Sometimes a man simply refuses to—
EVE 
Just a moment, dear.  Bill – this is Bill Fontana, everyone – You had something to add?
BILL 
I
 just think a writer needs to look at all sides.  Modern readers don’t 
want set pieces with cardboard characters where one person is all right 
and the other is all wrong.  If you’re writing for grown-ups characters 
need to be nuanced.
DEBORAH
In your latest book the villain tried to strangle a kitten. How nuanced is that?
EVE 
Bill, you’ll have your chance.  Deborah, do you want to finish your thought?
DEBORAH 
That would be nice, wouldn’t it?
EVE 
I’m sure.  Our next panelist 
(DEBORAH does a doubletake.) is my dear friend, one of our most distinguished, most senior, a veritable elder statesman-
CHARLES 
Please!  I’m not dead yet.
EVE 
Of
 course not.  I just wanted to point out that you have written so many 
books.  Even more than my six volumes of poetry.  Charles Lemmon, your 
most recent book is historical fiction, 
The Battle of Sattleford Creek. 
 What’s it about?
CHARLES 
(Pause.) It’s about the Battle of Sattleford Creek.
EVE 
I
 might have guessed that, I suppose.  So many titles are ironic these 
days, don’t you think?  My book 
The Fire Sonnets contains no sonnets, 
and never mentions fire!  I suppose that’s why the critics found it so 
surprising.  One of them said “Eve Brockhurst has-”
CHARLES 
Eve?
EVE 
Yes?
CHARLES 
How are we doing on time?
EVE 
Good
 point.  Charles, at this place in your long career, how do you still 
manage to find inspiration?  What moves you to keep writing?
CHARLES 
The credit card companies.  Something moves them to send me bills.
EVE 
Oh, come now.  Do you really mean you are only writing for the money?
CHARLES 
I’d
 better not be, because there’s precious little of it.  And security, 
don’t make me laugh.  You teach English at the college, don’t you?
EVE 
I do.  I have the honor of opening up the minds and hearts of—
CHARLES 
You
 can get tenure.  Then you have work for the rest of your life if you 
want it. What I wouldn’t give for that.  A publisher can kick you out in
 the snow after you give them the best years of your life.
BILL 
Wow, that is one bad cliché.
CHARLES 
Shut up, Bill.  
DEBORAH 
I’m glad I’m not the only one he interrupts.
EVE  
Actually. I’m an adjunct professor.  No tenure, I’m afraid.
CHARLES 
Then
 you’re in the same boat as us professional writers.  I don’t know how a
 publisher can sleep at night, when they fire an editor you’ve been 
working with for – well, a long time, and suddenly you’re an orphan and 
no one wants to promote your book because the last guy picked it.
EVE 
So do you find that—
CHARLES 
No
 ads.  No tours.  No publicity.  And you know damn well that when the 
book doesn’t sell, they’ll say it’s the fault of the writing.  Never the
 publisher’s, oh no.  I might as well give up on quality and start 
self-publishing crap.
EVE 
Now, come on, Charles!  That attitude is very old-fashioned.
CHARLES 
Don’t call me that!
EVE 
Some of the best, most original work coming out today is self-published.  My fourth book--
BILL 
And a lot of the worst stinkers, too.  
DEBORAH 
You’d know about that.
BILL 
Oh, I’d forgotten.  Men aren’t allowed to talk at this panel.  Go right ahead.
EVE 
Come on, Bill.  We value everyone’s opinion.
BILL 
Hell of a way of showing it.
DEBORAH 
Bill isn’t very good at taking cues, I’m afraid.  At understanding what people are trying to tell him.
EVE  
All right, Bill.  Since you’re so eager to talk, tell us.  How do you find inspiration?
BILL 
That’s a stupid question, Eve.  Isn’t it really just the old cliché: how do you find your ideas?
  | 
Short stories panel at Left Coast Crime, Vancouver
  | 
DEBORAH 
See?  He doesn’t listen.
BILL 
Not so, Deborah!  A good writer, a great writer, is always listening.  That’s how he comes up with dialog that sounds true.  
EVE 
So you get your inspiration from the people around you…
BILL 
That’s
 right.  And I get so much more.  Like insight into personality.  How a 
person will say one thing and mean something completely different.  For 
example, maybe they’ll claim for months that they want to leave their 
husband and start a new life, but when their lover offers to take them 
up on it, it turns out they were just teasing him along—
DEBORAH 
And this is your idea of honest observation?  No wonder 
Kirkus hated your last book.
CHARLES 
Kirkus hated 
everybody’s last book.
EVE 
You
 know, I think we’ve been neglecting one of our panelists.  Amy Kite is a
 fresh new face on our city’s literary scene.  She is the author of 
The 
Dragons of Zanzanook—
AMY 
(Correcting the pronunciation) Zanzanook.
EVE 
Sorry!  Her book is a fantasy novel which has attracted major support from the publisher.  There’s an ad in the 
Times.
CHARLES 
Oh my God.
EVE 
An author’s tour.
CHARLES moans.
EVE 
And I believe you are booked on one of the morning shows next week.  Is that right?
AMY 
Two, actually.
CHARLES 
Jesus.
EVE 
Sorry.  I must have missed one.  Let’s talk about what inspires you…
AMY 
Thank
 you so much, Eve.  I just want to say how inspired I feel simply by 
being here with all of you today.  What an honor!  This is my first time
 at a writer’s conference, you know, and here I am with Charles Lemmon! 
 I’ve been reading his books since I was a little girl.
CHARLES 
Well, that’s wonderful.  You young whippersnapper.
AMY
And Deborah, what was the name of your novel about the girl with Irritable Bowel Syndrome?
DEBORAH 
Twists and Turns.
AMY 
Yes!  My mother loved that one!
BILL 
Oh, I can hardly wait.
AMY 
Mr. Fontana.
CHARLES 
Here it comes. 
AMY 
When
 I needed a break from writing my book I would read your novel in which 
the psychotherapist turns out to be the serial killer.
BILL 
Which one?  I wrote two of those.
AMY 
Three actually.
BILL 
I didn’t…  Oh yeah.
CHARLES 
And there it is.
  | 
Setting as Character panel, Left Coast Crime, Vancouver
  | 
AMY 
I’m afraid I don’t remember which one I read most recently.
CHARLES 
Boom.
BILL 
Let’s not forget our moderator, Amy.  What do you think of Eve’s poetry?
AMY 
I’m afraid I haven’t read it yet.
EVE 
You probably don’t read poetry.  So few young people do these days.
AMY 
Oh, but I do!  I must get around to yours.
BILL 
Yes.  Do get around to it.
EVE 
Well, that’s very sweet, Amy.  Let’s start another round.  Deborah, what is the inspiration for the book you’re working on now?
DEBORAH 
We covered that, remember?  Stalker?
EVE 
Oh.  Right. 
 (Checking her notes.)  Well, what inspired you to start writing in the first place?
DEBORAH 
I’d say it was Greg.  My darling husband.
BILL 
Oh, brother.
DEBORAH 
He
 is my biggest cheerleader.  He knew from the moment we first met that I
 was a creative soul and he has always encouraged me to—
BILL 
Point of order.
CHARLES 
Point of order?  Is this a congressional hearing?
EVE 
What is it, Bill?
BILL 
I’m just wondering if this is the same husband you told me hasn’t opened a book since he got his MBA.
DEBORAH 
I never said any such thing.  And frankly, I resent you constantly interrupting me. 
EVE 
Well,
 Fraser was certainly right about this group needing a strong hand, 
wasn’t he?  Deborah, I think it’s wonderful that you have such a 
supportive husband.
  | 
Ecology Panel, Left Coast Crime, Vancouver
  | 
DEBORAH
 I can’t imagine how I could go on without him.  We truly are soulmates.
BILL 
I thought you didn’t write romance fiction.
DEBORAH 
You know, Bill, I think I know why you model all your villains on your psychotherapists.
EVE 
I
 think we’re running out of time, so we had better move along.  Charles,
 can you tell us a little about what inspires your current work in 
progress?
CHARLES 
I’m not sure I have one, Eve.  I write 
historical fiction and that means two or three years of research for 
each book.  By the time my next one is ready my publisher will probably 
have burned through five or six editors, and all that any of them care 
about are the latest trends.  The new expert, straight out of some Ivy 
League day care center, wants me to write a Civil War novel with 
zombies.
BILL 
You’re kidding.  Zombies are like five years past their sell-by date.
EVE  
And Bill, you already talked about your plans, so any other thoughts about inspiration?
BILL 
Great
 question!  As a thriller writer I’m concerned with revealing the truth 
of the human heart.  By which I mean that people are totally and 
remorselessly evil.  
CHARLES 
Jesus.  I thought zombies were depressing.
BILL 
That goes doubly so for the female heart, of course.
CHARLES 
And publishers.
EVE 
Moving right along.  Amy.
AMY 
Yes, Eve?
EVE 
Let’s get back to your debut novel, 
The Dragons of Zanzanook-
AMY 
Zanzanook.
EVE  
Thank you so much, dear.  Would you say you were more inspired by J.R.R. Tolkien or George R.R. Martin?
AMY 
(Laughing.)   Neither one, Eve.  My starting point was my doctoral dissertation on 
late medieval monasticism in a military context.  I just threw in 
dragons to make it commercial.
CHARLES 
(Inspired.) Damn it, girl, we have to talk!
  | 
Short Story panel, Left Coast Crime 2015
  | 
AMY 
I’d love that!
EVE 
Now we have time for a few questions from the-- Oh, I’m told we don’t.
BILL stalks off in disgust.
EVE 
Please
 join us in the vendors’ room, where all the authors will be happy to 
sign their books for you, and I will be happy to take pre-publication 
orders for my seventh book of poetry,
 Life, Be Not—
The microphone is shut off.  She frowns at it.