(reaches for the gun in her stocking, and yes that is me and a Derringer)
I'm tired of downer books. I don't want to be depressed after reading for three hours. Bear with me: I'll explain.
The
problem is, most of the downer elements of grim books involve women who
are victims. Either victims of crime, or victims of a patriarchal
society. Scandinavian Noir is full of the first. In fact, most noir
novels involve a female who is murdered and often hideously mutilated.
That's so much fun for women to read.
So here goes:
I
don't want to read any more books about women who are abused or
downtrodden. I know there are several good books out there right now
featuring such women. Some are historical. Some are current day. It's
not that they aren't good. It's just that I don't want to read any
more of them. I've read plenty.
Imagine, men, if most
of the books you had read involved men who had been victimized or
relegated to second class status by another gender. One or a few might
be interesting to read. But a steady diet of these? Would you not find
it depressing? Not to mention, discouraging?
I don't
want to read any more books about neurotic women, or women who can't get
it together. I dread more 'unreliable narrators.' Particularly, I don't want to read a book ALL THE WAY THROUGH, and then find out at the very end that the protagonist has been lying to me. (Are you listening, Kate Atkinson? *throws book across room*) Who wants to be tricked by the author? But there's something even worse about it:
Did
you notice that most (okay, every single one I can think of) unreliable
narrators on the bestseller lists recently are women? Does that say
something to you about how society views women? (reaches for gun in stocking...) It does to me. No more
'girl' books. (BLAM!...that felt good.)
I
don't want to read any more books this year with female protagonists
that are written by men. Yes, this means some of the bestselling crime
novels out there. They may be very well written. But these rarely
sound like women's stories to me. They aren't written with the same
lens.
What I want: books with intelligent female
protagonists written by women. I want more women's stories. Books I
can be proud to hand on to my daughters, and say, see what is possible?
She isn't a victim! She's someone like you.
Trouble
is, I can't FIND many books like that. The bestseller lists today are
filled with protagonists who are unstable, neurotic women. Let me be
clear: a lot of people enjoy these books. They may be very well
written. They wouldn't be on bestseller lists otherwise.
But
I'm tired of them. I want a ripping good story with a female
protagonist, written by a woman. Hell, I want to *be* the protagonist
for a few hours.
And not come away feeling downtrodden.
Speaking of which...if you're looking for a female protagonist with wit and brains, this mob goddaughter rocks the crime scene in a very different way:
The Goddaughter Does Vegas - out this week from Orca Book Publishers!
Book 6 in the multi-award winning caper series.
On AMAZON
Showing posts with label Melodie Campbell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Melodie Campbell. Show all posts
26 January 2019
31 December 2018
The World Revolved and We Resolved
Happy
New Year! To celebrate the occasion some of the regular mob here
decided to offer a resolution for you to ponder. Feel free to
contribute your own in the comments.
It has been an interesting year at SleuthSayers and we hope it has been one for you as well. We wish you a prosperous and criminous 2019.
Steve Hockensmith. My new year's resolution is to write the kind of book that I would really enjoy reading but which will also have a decent chance of finding an enthusiastic publisher...which might be the equivalent of resolving to lose 30 pounds by only eating your favorite pizza.
Eve Fisher. Mine is to break my addiction to distracting myself on the internet.
John M. Floyd.
1.
Read more new authors.
2.
Write more in different genres.
3.
Let my manuscripts “cool off” longer before sending them in.
4.
Read more classics.
5.
Search out some new markets.
6.
Cut back on semicolons.
7.
Go to more conferences.
8.
Go to more writers’ meetings.
9.
Get a Twitter account.
10.
Try submitting to a contest now and then. This one’s low on my list—I
avoid contests like I avoid blue cheese—but I probably should give it a try.
(Contests, not blue cheese.)
Paul D. Marks. I
resolve to watch fewer murder shows on Discovery ID and murder more people on
paper.
Barb Goffman. My new year's resolution is to finish all my
projects early. Anyone who knows me is likely rolling with laughter now because
finishing on time is usually a push for me. Heck I'm often writing my
SleuthSayers column right before the deadline, and I'm probably sending in this
resolution later than desired too. But at least I'm consistent!
Janice Law. I resolve to start reading a lot of books- and only finish the good ones.
Stephen Ross. My New Year resolution is to FINALLY finish a science fiction short story I started two years ago, but have yet to think of a decent ending!
Steve Liskow. I love short stories but find them very difficult to write. I've resolved that I will write and submit four new short stories in 2019. My other resolution is to lose 15 pounds. That will be tricky since I don't know an English bookie...
Melodie Campbell. This fall, we found out my husband has widespread cancer. He isn't yet retirement age, so this has been a shocking plot twist. In the book of our lives together, we have entered a new chapter.
May
your book be filled with many chapters, and the comforting knowledge that many
more are to come.
Leigh Lundin. Each year my resolution is to make no resolutions. A logical fallacy probably is involved.
Leigh Lundin. Each year my resolution is to make no resolutions. A logical fallacy probably is involved.
R.T. Lawton. I tend not to make New Year’s resolutions anymore. Why? So as to not disappoint myself. At my age, there are fewer things I feel driven to change, and for those circumstances I do feel driven about, I make that decision and attempt regardless of the time of year.
For instance, there is the ongoing weight concern, but I hate dieting or restricting myself from temptation. Other than working out, my idea of a dieting program these days is not using Coke in my evening cocktails. Instead, I’ll merely sip the Jack Daniels or Vanilla Crown Royal straight or on the rocks. Not many calories in ice. On the days I gain a pound (weigh-ins every morning), I can usually guess why. On the days I lose weight, I have no idea why. My best weight loss (usually five pounds at a crack), mostly comes from some health problem I did not anticipate and which involved minimal eating for a few days. Naturally, I’m eating well these days, so we’re back to the temptation thing.
As for any writing and getting published resolutions, that’s a constantly renewable action, however, I can only control the writing and submitting part. The getting published part is up to other people and beyond my control, except for e-publishing.
For those of you making New Year’s resolutions, I wish you much success and hope you meet your goal. And, to spur you on with your commitment, let me know in June how well you did.
Have a great New Year!
Labels:
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Eve Fisher,
Floyd,
Janice Law,
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Steve Liskow
22 December 2018
Why I could never be a Modern Fiction Novel Heroine
(back to humour for Bad Girl. Tis the season for frivolity, after all)
modern heroine of a fiction novel.
Sounds reasonable, but I couldn’t be her. I’m all for ‘suspension of disbelief’ in
fantasy, but my world requires more human elements. To wit:
THINGS THAT BUG ME ABOUT MODERN FICTIONAL HEROINES
1. They look great all the time.
By this I mean: she gets up in the morning,
perfect coiffed. (Not quaffed. Except maybe in my loopy Goddaughter books.) She dons clothes for
her work day. Maybe goes for a jog. And spends absolutely no time in front of the
mirror swabbing on makeup or doing her hair.
Did you ever notice fiction novel heroines look great in the morning without
doing anything? They may have a
shit-load of angst about their personal lives, but apparently, they have Barbie
doll hair.
As of immediately, name of heroine is
changed to Barbie.
2. They never eat.
Oh, they got out to dinner a lot. You may even hear them order food. But when it comes, do they ever eat it? No! Barbie is far too busy arguing with her
dinner companion, and then getting upset.
So many books, so many meals where our
intrepid plucky heroine says, “oh my, I’m so upset, I couldn’t eat a thing.”
What is it with these feeble women who
can’t eat? Who the hell are they? What do they exist on?
When I’m upset, I eat, dammit. Gotta fuel up for the famine that’s going to
come sometime in the next 400 years.
If I hear another TSTL (too stupid to live) heroine say she’s
too upset to eat, I’m going to shove the virtual dinner in her vapid virtual
face and watch her choke to death.
Oh. But then someone would have
to rescue her.
EAT THE DAMN MEAL.
3. They
never go to the bathroom.
Twenty-four hours a day, we’re with this
dame. Does she ever go to the loo? I mean, for other than a quick swipe of
lipstick and a gabfest with friends?
Do none of these women have periods?
Do they not have to offload some by-products? EVER?
Oh right.
Barbie is always too upset to eat a thing. Therefore, nothing to offload. What was I
thinking?
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
4. They run into the haunted house.
“Oh, a haunted house!” says our plucky heroine.
(Note use of the word ‘plucky’ to demonstrate she’s not a chicken <sic>) “I’ll just pop in there and see what the fuss
is all about, shall I?”
WHOMP
(Plucky heroines taste good with ketchup,
in my parodies.)
Listen up, modern day heroines! Do NOT be so
stupid as to walk into an abandoned place where you know someone was murdered, or even
stupider, confront the murderer, all by your little selves!
Let it be known: when I am pretty sure I
know who the killer is, I do NOT confront him all on my own in an isolated
location. Instead, I pretty much run
like hell in the opposite direction. ‘Cause
experience has taught me (apparently, I do this a lot) that if someone has
killed once, they won’t hesitate to bop my bean. Even Barbie with half a brain can figure out it
ain’t a smart move.
Modern day heroines, rise up! Rebel against
these tired tropes! Fight back against
the lazy mucks who make you appear as dumb as dough.
GO ON STRIKE AGAINST YOUR AUTHORS! Or alternatively, strike your authors.
I’ll leave now.
Author disclosure: Just so you know, Gina Gallo of The
Goddaughter series loves her food.
You’ll see her eat it. She sneaks
off to the bathroom (offstage, so don’t freak.)
She looks like shit in the morning. Just like me. Even Rowena of my fantasy books goes to the
outhouse and enjoys her meals. (Not at
the same time.)
Labels:
authors,
fiction,
heroines,
Melodie Campbell,
plot,
television,
tropes,
TV
Location:
Oakville, ON L6M 0B8, Canada
24 November 2018
ACK Not Again! Five Crime Series Plots that Deserve to Die
You have to admire the Brits. If they have a successful crime
series, they don't automatically grow it
beyond one season (Midsomer,
excepted.) But the trouble with most crime series filmed, and also
successful crime series in print, is they go beyond their best before
date. And by this I mean, they start to run out of plots - healthy
original plots - and search madly for something, anything they haven't
done before, including things that have been done to death <sic>.
The following tropes drive me crazy.
1. The protagonist sleuth is the murder suspect.
By far, this one has me fired up to throw things. Inevitably, every long-running series has one episode where the Detective Inspector, the PI or the well-respected amateur sleuth, becomes the prime suspect for a murder well into the series. Into jail they go. They've done it with Father Brown. They've done it with Don Matteo. Hinterland. You name it. Whenever I see this happening, I grit my teeth. Why?
That plot is boring, man. Obviously, they didn't do it. If they did, then it is 'series over'. And it can't be series over, because there are several episodes left, or a new season to download, and I can see that right on the screen. So all we're doing is tediously waiting for the sidekicks to get proof that our beloved protagonist didn't do it.
2. The protagonist and/or sidekick is held hostage.
This is the second plot trope that has me screaming Italian curse words at the screen. This month, it was Don Matteo and Rosewood. You can name others. And again, this is boring. If they are all killed and don't get out, end of show. But there are more episodes, so they obviously get away. If we know the ending at the beginning, what's the pleasure in watching?
3. The police officer protagonist is hated by his immediate superior.
One of the reasons I like Endeavor is because Morse's boss Thursday is such a good guy to young Morse. In so many shows, including the original Morse, the detective superintendent or chief constable behaves like an out-of-control teen, lambasting our hero with manic fury. He hates the protagonist, for no good reason we can see. Or is it that he is so insecure, he can't stand someone who makes him and his department look good? How demeaning. By all that's holy, make this stop.
4. Young female sargeant has affair with older boss.
Okay, we all learned in the 80s and 90s: you don't have an affair with your boss. It's stupid. It's career-killing. It's also unethical, if he's married or you're married. And yet, time after time we see this on the screen. STILL. IN 2018.
I cringe, because it perpetuates the ancient stereotype that young female police officers are not serious about their jobs. They are slaves to their emotions. They are willing to risk all for romance. Writers, DON'T take me back to the seventies. Just don't.
5. The male Detective Inspector invites prime female suspect/witness to a romantic dinner.
Similar to the 'affair with the boss' above, this scenario gives high-ranking police officers I've talked to apoplexy. No police officer is that idiotic.
Look, we all understand that tension is ramped up if there is personal involvement. But come on, writers! Don't make our extremely professional boys (and girls) in blue look adolescent. It's insulting.
Just do the right thing. Tell us a damn good story. And wrap things up before you sink to these tropes.
Melodie Campbell writes seriously wild comedy. You can find her latest crime books (The Bootlegger's Goddaughter and The B-Team) at all the usual suspects. See this latest ad in Mystery Scene Magazine. www.melodiecampbell.com
1. The protagonist sleuth is the murder suspect.
By far, this one has me fired up to throw things. Inevitably, every long-running series has one episode where the Detective Inspector, the PI or the well-respected amateur sleuth, becomes the prime suspect for a murder well into the series. Into jail they go. They've done it with Father Brown. They've done it with Don Matteo. Hinterland. You name it. Whenever I see this happening, I grit my teeth. Why?
That plot is boring, man. Obviously, they didn't do it. If they did, then it is 'series over'. And it can't be series over, because there are several episodes left, or a new season to download, and I can see that right on the screen. So all we're doing is tediously waiting for the sidekicks to get proof that our beloved protagonist didn't do it.
2. The protagonist and/or sidekick is held hostage.
This is the second plot trope that has me screaming Italian curse words at the screen. This month, it was Don Matteo and Rosewood. You can name others. And again, this is boring. If they are all killed and don't get out, end of show. But there are more episodes, so they obviously get away. If we know the ending at the beginning, what's the pleasure in watching?
3. The police officer protagonist is hated by his immediate superior.
One of the reasons I like Endeavor is because Morse's boss Thursday is such a good guy to young Morse. In so many shows, including the original Morse, the detective superintendent or chief constable behaves like an out-of-control teen, lambasting our hero with manic fury. He hates the protagonist, for no good reason we can see. Or is it that he is so insecure, he can't stand someone who makes him and his department look good? How demeaning. By all that's holy, make this stop.
4. Young female sargeant has affair with older boss.
Okay, we all learned in the 80s and 90s: you don't have an affair with your boss. It's stupid. It's career-killing. It's also unethical, if he's married or you're married. And yet, time after time we see this on the screen. STILL. IN 2018.
I cringe, because it perpetuates the ancient stereotype that young female police officers are not serious about their jobs. They are slaves to their emotions. They are willing to risk all for romance. Writers, DON'T take me back to the seventies. Just don't.
5. The male Detective Inspector invites prime female suspect/witness to a romantic dinner.
Similar to the 'affair with the boss' above, this scenario gives high-ranking police officers I've talked to apoplexy. No police officer is that idiotic.
Look, we all understand that tension is ramped up if there is personal involvement. But come on, writers! Don't make our extremely professional boys (and girls) in blue look adolescent. It's insulting.
Just do the right thing. Tell us a damn good story. And wrap things up before you sink to these tropes.
Melodie Campbell writes seriously wild comedy. You can find her latest crime books (The Bootlegger's Goddaughter and The B-Team) at all the usual suspects. See this latest ad in Mystery Scene Magazine. www.melodiecampbell.com
Labels:
BBC,
crime,
Don Matteo,
Father Brown,
Melodie Campbell,
Midsomer Murders,
Morse,
series,
writing
27 October 2018
Just in Time for Hallowe'en! Books I will Never Write Part 1: Dino Porn
People pay money for the weirdest reads. Don't believe me?
DINOSAUR PORN
Yes, you heard that right. This is a 'thing.' No, I don't mean porn that randy male dinosaurs might read, involving somewhat sassy females of the same species who like a good time. Last I checked, dinosaurs couldn't read. Not even the urban ones.
But I'm not here to talk about that. I'm not even going to talk about the weirdness of someone wanting to *write* about sexual relations between a human of today and a creature that might possibly have become extinct during an ice storm back in the good old days. All writers are weird. Some are more weird than others (thank you, George Orwell.)
Nope. I'm here to talk about the blatant inequality in the dinosaur porn field. Not only that, in ALL areas of human/not-even-remotely-human erotica.
Don't believe me? Have you noticed that all these erotic books that star humans and some other race like Vampires or Werewolves or Aliens or Ducks (hey - has it been done?) always feature a girl with the Vampire or Werewolf? Or in our case, a girl with the T-Rex?
Why is it always that way around? Never do you see a young man being pursued by, say, a randy female dino. I have to assume female dinos are more discriminating.
So in the interests of fair play, just in time for Hallowe'en, I offer my version of Dino porn.
It might go like this:
"La, la, lalalala, la, lala, la la..." <innocent young female stegosaurus frolics among the Precambrian (whatever) wild-flowers, unaware that she is about to be approached from behind>
"Hey hey," says health male homo sapien, who obviously time-traveled here from another era. "You on Tinder, babe?"
"Tinder?" says Steggy-gal, unfamiliar with the vernacular. "Isn't this a grassland?"
"How about I just show you my equipment?" says creepy guy, who might possibly be blind. "I'll just take it out here...oops, no. That's my phone."
"Oh! There's a butterfly!" says Steggy-gal, easily distracted.
"HA," says creep, lining up to do the dirty. "Bet ya never had it like THIS before!"
"Gee, these flies are a nuisance," says Steggy, batting the annoyance away with her spiked tale. "Why do they always hang around THAT end..."
"YEOOOOOOOW"
Okay, enough pastiche-ing around. It's discimination, pure and simple. Okay, maybe not pure. And possibly more complicated than simple. All those extra bits. Which reminds me. Girl with a Squid comes out in 2019.
Melodie Campbell writes some pretty wild comedy. She even gets paid to do it, by poor unsuspecting publishers. Check out her many series at www.melodiecampbell.com
07 October 2018
Talking Turkey
by Velma
Tomorrow Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving and, in case you wondered,
Liberia celebrates Thanksgiving the first Thursday in November. The
time or place matters little to bachelors who celebrate the holiday
much the same no matter when or where.
† We admit nothing except Happy Thanksgiving. Graphics courtesy of Antique Images, The Holiday Spot, and Spruce Crafts.
A Bachelor Thanksgiving
in honour of the Canadian
holiday
arrangement in ironic
pentameter
by deservedly anonymous†
|
||
I think I shall never sniff
A poem as lovely as a whiff Of turkey and mashed po— tatoes and frozen snow–
Peas in vast disproportion
As I gulp another portion. Cranberry sauce, count me a fan, Maintains the shape of the can.
Cheap beer and cheaper whiskey
Makes the shallow heart grow frisky. Three litre jugs of screw-capped wine First tastes horrible, then tastes fine.
Deli turkey, cellophane wrapped.
Processed ham and all that crap. Sherbet, ice cream, anything frozen, Packaged cupcakes by the dozen,
Ruffled chips and onion dip,
Reddi-Wip and Miracle Whip, Maple frosting found in tins Hide the worst culinary sins.
Seven-fifty millilitres of
Grain vodka labeled Scruitov, Cheap brandy and cheaper beer First smells awful, then tastes queer.
Pumpkin pie and store-bought cake,
Anything I need not bake. If it’s boxed, if it’s canned, I’m no gourmet, only gourmand.
Chorus
Baseball, football on the TV.
One spilt bowl of poutine gravy. This little poem with each verse, I give thanks if it grows no worse. |
† We admit nothing except Happy Thanksgiving. Graphics courtesy of Antique Images, The Holiday Spot, and Spruce Crafts.
Labels:
Canada,
humor,
humour,
Leigh Lundin,
mary fernando,
Melodie Campbell,
poetry,
Thanksgiving
Location:
Baker Lake, NU, Canada
26 May 2018
Top Ten Peeves of Writing Teachers
Recently, a jovial colleague asked me if I was a good teacher or an evil one.
I'm definitely on the kind side of the equation. The last thing I want to be is a Dream Killer. But even the kindest, most dedicated writing teachers can get frustrated. So when a colleague suggested I rant on these pages, I gracefully accepted. (With the sort of grace that might be associated with a herd of stampeding mastodons.)
So here are my top ten peeves as a writing teacher:
THE OBVIOUS
1. "I don't need no stinkin' genre" - aka Students who turn their noses up at the genres.
In addition to basic and advanced writing skills, I teach the genres in my Crafting a Novel course. Meaning, we deconstruct each of the main genres of fiction (mystery, thriller, romance, sci-fi, fantasy, western, literary...) to see what publishers expect. This is particularly important when it comes to endings. Mickey Spillane said those famous words: "Your first page sells this book. Your last page sells the next."
Most publishers categorize the books they accept into genres. Most readers stick to a few genres they like best for their reading pleasure. So it stands to reason that if you can slot your work into an already active genre, you have a better chance of getting published and read.
Many students refuse to classify their work. They feel it is 'selling out' to do so. (Yes, I've heard this frequently.) They don't want to conform or be associated with a genre that has a formula. (One day, I hope to discover that formula. I'll be rich.)
So I often start out with half a class that claims to be writing literary fiction, even though not a single student can name a contemporary literary book they've actually read. *pass the scotch*
2. The memoir disguised as fiction.
These students have no interest in writing fiction. They really only want to write one book ever, and that is the story of their life. (Ironically, many of these students are only twenty years old...sigh.) But they know that memoirs of unknown people don't sell well, so they're going to write it as a novel. Because then it will be a bestseller.
Here's what I tell them: What happens to you in real life - no matter how dramatic and emotional it is for you - usually doesn't make a good novel. Novels are stories. Stories have endings, and readers expect satisfactory endings. Real life rarely gives you those endings, and so you will have to make something up.
If you want to write your life story, go for it. Take a memoir writing class.
3. "My editor will fix this" - Students who think grammar and punctuation are not important.
Someone else will fix that. They even expect me - the teacher - to copy edit their work. Or at least to ignore all seventeen errors on the first page when I am marking. *hits head against desk*
I should really put this under the 'baffling' category. If you are an artist or craftsman, you need to learn the tools of your trade. Writers deal in words; our most important tools are grammar, punctuation and diction. How could you expect to become a writer without mastering the tools of our trade?
4. The Hunger Games clone.
I can't tell you how many times students in my classes have come determined to rewrite The Hunger Games with different character names on a different planet. Yes, I'm picking on Hunger Games, because it seems to be an endemic obsession with my younger students.
What I'm really talking about here is the sheer number of people who want to be writers but really can't come up with a new way to say things. Yes, you can write a new spin on an old plot. But it has to be something we haven't seen before.
There are just some plots we are absolutely sick of seeing. For me, it's the 'harvesting organs' plot. Almost every class I've taught has someone in it who is writing a story about killing people to sell their organs. It's been done, I tell them. I can't think of a new angle that hasn't been done and done well. Enough, already. Write something else. Please, leave the poor organs where they are.
THE BAFFLING
5. The Preachers: Students who really want to teach other people lessons.
And that's all they want to do. Akin to the memoir, these students come to class with a cause, often an environmental one. They want to write a novel that teaches the rest of us the importance of reuse and recycle. Or the evils of eating meat.
Recently, I had a woman join my fiction class for the express purpose of teaching people how to manage their finances better. She thought if she wrote novels about people going down the tubes financially, and they being bailed out by lessons from a friendly banker (like herself) it would get her message across.
All noble. But the problem is: people read fiction to be entertained. They don't want to be lectured. If your entire goal is to teach people a lesson, probably you should take a nonfiction course. Maybe a PR one. Or here's a novel <sic> idea: become a teacher.
6. Literary Snowflakes - Students who ignore publisher guidelines.
"A typical publisher guideline for novels is 70,000-80,000 words? Well my book is 150,000, and I don't need to worry about that because they will love it. Too bad if it doesn't fit their print run and genre guidelines. They'll make an exception for me."
I don't want to make this a generational thing. Okay, hell yes - maybe I should come clean. I come from a generation that was booted out of the house at 18 and told to make a living. 'Special' wasn't a concept back when we used slide rules instead of calculators.
Thing is, these students don't believe me. They simply don't believe that they can't write exactly what they want and not get published. And I'm breaking their hearts when I tell them this: Publishers buy what readers want to read. Not what writers want to write.
7. Students who set out to deliberately break the rules in order to become famous.
There are many ways to tell a story. We have some rules on viewpoint, and we discuss what they are, the reasons for them, and why you don't want to break them. The we discuss why you might WANT to break them. Apparently this isn't enough. *sobs into sleeve*
I have some students who set out to break every rule they can think of because they want to be different. "To hell with the readers. I'll head-hop if I want. And if Gone Girl has two first person viewpoints, my book is going to have seventeen! No one will have seen anything like it before. They will think I'm brilliant."
Never mind that the prose is unreadable. Or that we don't have a clear protagonist, and thus don't know whom to root for. e.e.cummings did it. Why can't they?
8. Students who come to class every week but don't write anything.
They love the class. Never miss a week. But struggle to complete one chapter by the end of term. Not only that, this isn't the first fiction writing class they've taken. They specialize in writers' workshops and retreats.
It seems baffling, but some people like to hobby as aspiring writers. They learn all about writing but never actually write. Of course, we veterans can get that part. Writing is work - hard work. Writing is done alone in a room. In contrast, learning about writing can be fun. Especially when done in a social environment with other people.
THE 'I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP'
9. Other writing teachers who take our classes to steal material for their own classes and workshops. *removes gun from stocking*
Not kidding. I actually had an adult student come clean about this. By class seven, he hadn't done any of the assignments and admitted he was collecting material to use for the high school creative writing class he taught. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.
10. Students who don't read.
This is the one that gets me the most. Last term I did a survey. I asked each student to write the number of books they had read last year on a small piece of paper and hand it in. I begged them to be honest. They didn't have to write their names on the paper, so I would never know who had written what total. Here's the tally of number of books read:
Highest number by one person: 26
Lowest number by one person: 0-1
Average: 7
Yup, I'm still shaking my head over that low. He couldn't remember if he'd actually read a book or not. (How can you not KNOW?)
And these people want to be writers. *collective groan*
To be clear here: I read 101 novels last year. I read for one hour every night before bed and have done so for years. That's seven hours a week, assuming I don't sneak other time to read. Two books a week. And that doesn't include the hours I spend reading student manuscripts over three terms.
If reading isn't your hobby, how can you possibly think you can write? Why would you want to??
FINAL THOUGHTS
Here's what I've learned: Students take writing courses for all sorts of reasons. Some take it for college credit course. Some take it for interest, as they might take photography or cooking classes. Some need an escape from dreary jobs, and a writing class can provide that escape, if only temporarily. But many actually do hope to become authors like I am. When I connect with one of them, and can help them on their way, it is magic.
There is no greater high.
Melodie Campbell writes capers in between marking assignments. Or maybe to avoid marking.
The B-Team is her latest. You can get it at all the usual suspects.
on AMAZON
I'm definitely on the kind side of the equation. The last thing I want to be is a Dream Killer. But even the kindest, most dedicated writing teachers can get frustrated. So when a colleague suggested I rant on these pages, I gracefully accepted. (With the sort of grace that might be associated with a herd of stampeding mastodons.)
So here are my top ten peeves as a writing teacher:
THE OBVIOUS
1. "I don't need no stinkin' genre" - aka Students who turn their noses up at the genres.
In addition to basic and advanced writing skills, I teach the genres in my Crafting a Novel course. Meaning, we deconstruct each of the main genres of fiction (mystery, thriller, romance, sci-fi, fantasy, western, literary...) to see what publishers expect. This is particularly important when it comes to endings. Mickey Spillane said those famous words: "Your first page sells this book. Your last page sells the next."
Most publishers categorize the books they accept into genres. Most readers stick to a few genres they like best for their reading pleasure. So it stands to reason that if you can slot your work into an already active genre, you have a better chance of getting published and read.
Many students refuse to classify their work. They feel it is 'selling out' to do so. (Yes, I've heard this frequently.) They don't want to conform or be associated with a genre that has a formula. (One day, I hope to discover that formula. I'll be rich.)
So I often start out with half a class that claims to be writing literary fiction, even though not a single student can name a contemporary literary book they've actually read. *pass the scotch*
2. The memoir disguised as fiction.
These students have no interest in writing fiction. They really only want to write one book ever, and that is the story of their life. (Ironically, many of these students are only twenty years old...sigh.) But they know that memoirs of unknown people don't sell well, so they're going to write it as a novel. Because then it will be a bestseller.
Here's what I tell them: What happens to you in real life - no matter how dramatic and emotional it is for you - usually doesn't make a good novel. Novels are stories. Stories have endings, and readers expect satisfactory endings. Real life rarely gives you those endings, and so you will have to make something up.
If you want to write your life story, go for it. Take a memoir writing class.
3. "My editor will fix this" - Students who think grammar and punctuation are not important.
Someone else will fix that. They even expect me - the teacher - to copy edit their work. Or at least to ignore all seventeen errors on the first page when I am marking. *hits head against desk*
I should really put this under the 'baffling' category. If you are an artist or craftsman, you need to learn the tools of your trade. Writers deal in words; our most important tools are grammar, punctuation and diction. How could you expect to become a writer without mastering the tools of our trade?
4. The Hunger Games clone.
I can't tell you how many times students in my classes have come determined to rewrite The Hunger Games with different character names on a different planet. Yes, I'm picking on Hunger Games, because it seems to be an endemic obsession with my younger students.
What I'm really talking about here is the sheer number of people who want to be writers but really can't come up with a new way to say things. Yes, you can write a new spin on an old plot. But it has to be something we haven't seen before.
There are just some plots we are absolutely sick of seeing. For me, it's the 'harvesting organs' plot. Almost every class I've taught has someone in it who is writing a story about killing people to sell their organs. It's been done, I tell them. I can't think of a new angle that hasn't been done and done well. Enough, already. Write something else. Please, leave the poor organs where they are.
THE BAFFLING
5. The Preachers: Students who really want to teach other people lessons.
And that's all they want to do. Akin to the memoir, these students come to class with a cause, often an environmental one. They want to write a novel that teaches the rest of us the importance of reuse and recycle. Or the evils of eating meat.
Recently, I had a woman join my fiction class for the express purpose of teaching people how to manage their finances better. She thought if she wrote novels about people going down the tubes financially, and they being bailed out by lessons from a friendly banker (like herself) it would get her message across.
All noble. But the problem is: people read fiction to be entertained. They don't want to be lectured. If your entire goal is to teach people a lesson, probably you should take a nonfiction course. Maybe a PR one. Or here's a novel <sic> idea: become a teacher.
6. Literary Snowflakes - Students who ignore publisher guidelines.
"A typical publisher guideline for novels is 70,000-80,000 words? Well my book is 150,000, and I don't need to worry about that because they will love it. Too bad if it doesn't fit their print run and genre guidelines. They'll make an exception for me."
I don't want to make this a generational thing. Okay, hell yes - maybe I should come clean. I come from a generation that was booted out of the house at 18 and told to make a living. 'Special' wasn't a concept back when we used slide rules instead of calculators.
Thing is, these students don't believe me. They simply don't believe that they can't write exactly what they want and not get published. And I'm breaking their hearts when I tell them this: Publishers buy what readers want to read. Not what writers want to write.
7. Students who set out to deliberately break the rules in order to become famous.
There are many ways to tell a story. We have some rules on viewpoint, and we discuss what they are, the reasons for them, and why you don't want to break them. The we discuss why you might WANT to break them. Apparently this isn't enough. *sobs into sleeve*
I have some students who set out to break every rule they can think of because they want to be different. "To hell with the readers. I'll head-hop if I want. And if Gone Girl has two first person viewpoints, my book is going to have seventeen! No one will have seen anything like it before. They will think I'm brilliant."
Never mind that the prose is unreadable. Or that we don't have a clear protagonist, and thus don't know whom to root for. e.e.cummings did it. Why can't they?
8. Students who come to class every week but don't write anything.
They love the class. Never miss a week. But struggle to complete one chapter by the end of term. Not only that, this isn't the first fiction writing class they've taken. They specialize in writers' workshops and retreats.
It seems baffling, but some people like to hobby as aspiring writers. They learn all about writing but never actually write. Of course, we veterans can get that part. Writing is work - hard work. Writing is done alone in a room. In contrast, learning about writing can be fun. Especially when done in a social environment with other people.
THE 'I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP'
9. Other writing teachers who take our classes to steal material for their own classes and workshops. *removes gun from stocking*
Not kidding. I actually had an adult student come clean about this. By class seven, he hadn't done any of the assignments and admitted he was collecting material to use for the high school creative writing class he taught. I'm still not sure how I feel about that.
10. Students who don't read.
This is the one that gets me the most. Last term I did a survey. I asked each student to write the number of books they had read last year on a small piece of paper and hand it in. I begged them to be honest. They didn't have to write their names on the paper, so I would never know who had written what total. Here's the tally of number of books read:
Highest number by one person: 26
Lowest number by one person: 0-1
Average: 7
Yup, I'm still shaking my head over that low. He couldn't remember if he'd actually read a book or not. (How can you not KNOW?)
And these people want to be writers. *collective groan*
To be clear here: I read 101 novels last year. I read for one hour every night before bed and have done so for years. That's seven hours a week, assuming I don't sneak other time to read. Two books a week. And that doesn't include the hours I spend reading student manuscripts over three terms.
If reading isn't your hobby, how can you possibly think you can write? Why would you want to??
FINAL THOUGHTS
Here's what I've learned: Students take writing courses for all sorts of reasons. Some take it for college credit course. Some take it for interest, as they might take photography or cooking classes. Some need an escape from dreary jobs, and a writing class can provide that escape, if only temporarily. But many actually do hope to become authors like I am. When I connect with one of them, and can help them on their way, it is magic.
There is no greater high.
Melodie Campbell writes capers in between marking assignments. Or maybe to avoid marking.
The B-Team is her latest. You can get it at all the usual suspects.
on AMAZON
Labels:
editors,
fiction,
genres,
Melodie Campbell,
novels,
plot,
publishers,
teachers,
teaching,
writing
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