19 August 2018

Nazi Ladybug meets die Valkyrie

by Leigh Lundin

ladybird nazi
Not sure what’s in the air, but friends and I have had to deal with a variety of insurance adjusters. Must be those uninsured caribou, but that’s not today’s topic. One estimator stood out from the rest, this one in Holyshiteitshot, Arizona.

Like some big men, he walked with a back-leaning Sidney Greenstreet tilt. He firmly planted one foot in front of the other, rather how I imagine Nero Wolfe walked. Round, he was very round, rotund. He’d dressed head to toe in blinding red– crimson cap, carmine knit shirt, vermillion belt, scarlet shorts, sanguine socks, cerise shoes. As for underwear, I would have bet on blood-red briefs, exactly the same shade as the rest of his costume.

The Arizona sun went into eclipse as he bore down upon me. He looked like an oversized ladybug.

No, not quite. Because he sported curly dark hair and beard, it’s fairer to say he looked like a slightly-crazed Santa’s workshop helper dressed as a ladybug.

Melayna plays the horns
“Melayna Walküre seizes the helm in Wagner’s
Das Rheingold.”
— Jean Poole, Opera Revue
“But Leigh!” you say. “That’s not like you to comment on other people’s looks. That’s… that’s… unkind. And besides, his costume didn’t feature ladybug polka-dots.”

Hold on, this is justified, I promise.

Enter Melayna. See, the adjuster hadn’t come to visit me; I simply happened to spot him plodding through heat thermals rising from the parking lot. Melayna was his client.

And she outshone the sun. He was… thunderstruck. Melayna’s pretty, very pretty. She’s also… how the Germans say… kräftig, robuste, widerstandsfähig. Loaded with tattoos, she gobsmacked him like an operatic Valkyrie.

Hormones sizzled in the heat. Birds began twittering highlights from The Sound of Music.

Trying to introduce himself, his voice squeaked like a hyper-ventilating soprano. Kind Melayna helped him reel in his tongue. I strolled off to let young love blossom like Boraginaceae along the Rhine. That’s when ladybug-dude made a fatal mistake.

Lady Bug Superheroes
Botanical and zoological gardens buy cartons of ladybugs by the thousands. Why? Ladybugs, aka ladybirds, devour aphids. Destructive little aphids devour plants, literally sucking the life out of flora.
    We’ve upset the balance of nature, which can no longer naturally produce sufficient ladybugs to munch down on aphid evildoers. Thus botanists and farmers depend on ladybug growers.
Desperate to impress his dazzling darling, he boasted about the only thing in his life he thought worth bragging about, his penchant for white supremacy, his passion for the Aryan nation, his regard for the red, white, and black. Ladybug-boy, he wanted her to know, was a secret Nazi.

Alarmed in the middle of cheeping ‘Edelweiss’, songbirds choked. They scratched to a halt like a needle dragged across a record. Boraginaceae withered on the vine. Ladybug-boy’s overtures sank into the molten tar of an Arizona parking lot.

It gradually dawned on our horrified heroine that the ladybug costume exactly matched the red in Nazi bunting. Melayna, see, one of approximately four Democrats left in Arizona, happened to be the least likely fan of neo-Nazis. This girl hadn’t forgotten America and its Allies fought a war to rid the world of Nazis.

Walkürenritt
“Fräulein Layna shows
Der Ring des Nibelungen
fans how the Valkyries ride.”
— Percy Flage, The Village Vocal
Besotted ladybug-dude not only failed to grasp he’d lost the attention of his süßen Liebling, but he botched the simple insurance estimate. Melayna wondered how die Schwarzen and Hispanics fared at the whims of this Aryan Red Avenger.

Departing into the red-rimmed sunset, she left the smitten Storm Front wannabe pining. Not that day or the next, but sometime she vowed she’d share a quiet word with his insurance overlords.

Don’t ƒ with the fräulein, don’t mess around the Melayna.

Shortly, a cleansing shower refreshed her. As rushing water sluiced away the slime, she even hummed a little Wagner tune. Nothing’s like Ride of the Valkyries to lift a girl’s spirits.

♪♬ Dum de-de-de dee dah… ♩♫

6 comments:

Eve Fisher said...

Go Fraulein Melayna!
Seriously, up here we have a problem with what everyone calls soybean beetles, but are Asian Lady Beetles, which look very similar to Ladybugs, but bite, and stink when you squish them. They were, of course, imported (from Asia) to eat other bugs...

Anonymous said...

Are you sure Arizona has that many democrats? Funny.

You might want to know I couldn't post a comment from my android cell.

Anyway, you go girl!

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Arizona, I could forgive President Trump pardoning Sheriff Joe, but I truly wanted to see Arpaio wear his own pink jammies. Maybe there's where Nazi boy got his taste for red.

Leigh Lundin said...

Oh, great, Eve. All we need are weaponized ladybugs. Naturally they have no local predators. Let's pair them up with Asian killer bees.

Anon, sorry about the comments problem. Through our history, we've been plagued with Blogger comment bugs. As for Joe Arpaio, you're not the only one who'd like to see him in pink. His 120° jails can't have been bearable.

Jer Sands said...

There were unconfirmed rumors of a cell of Democrats to the west, maybe 5 or 6, but they may have been hunted into extinction. The thing is good people don't put up with nazis.

Wasn't Wagner connected to the nazis?

Leigh Lundin said...

(laughing) Jer, I don't know anything about Arizona politics, but every time a United or Eastern Airlines plane lands in Phoenix, the Democratic demographic quintuples.

Wagner's second wife certainly held anti-semitic views and I believe his daughter was similarly tangled through marriage. While Wagner didn't have cleaner hands than others of his era, it's generally held his writings didn't widen the gulf of his generation. Wagner died in 1883, decades before the Nazi party came into being.

Hitler was hellbent on establishing an Aryan mythos. A major fan of Wagner's works, Hitler reportedly insisted parts be played during public events. It's documented he'd obtained original scores that perished in the bunker along with him. Other opinions throw doubt, saying Hitler was musically ignorant and little understood opera.