|Nope, not touching upon the implications here.|
The protagonist makes several references to a mid-1980s television spy series, Scarecrow and Mrs King. I’ve spent decades without television, so the program was unknown to me. Gin Phillips managed to sufficiently interest me, I streamed the first (out of four) seasons.
The principals, Kate Jackson and Bruce Boxleitner, are attractive and humorous. John le Carré this is not, but it is fun, especially when housewife Amanda King cleverly thwarts baddies and their plots.
For those unfamiliar with the series, I offer this condensed version.
The Spy Who Came In From the Mall
June, 1983, Washington, DC. Intelligence Chief Billy Melrose calls an emergency meeting.
“A dastardly foreign-looking, culturally sophisticated attaché…”
“Culture, that’s suspicious,” says Agent Lee Stetson, aka Scarecrow. “And attaché… that seals it. Only foreigners use diacriticals.”
“Anyway, an undercover operative has stolen the last Galactic Man action figure in Washington.”
“Someone stole it?” Scarecrow asks.
“Well, not if you’re going to be technical. They used a coupon on top of a Toys-Я-Us diplomatic immunity discount card.”
“So what does that mean, boss?”
“It means I have to drive to Baltimore to buy another one for my nephew. The Soviets bought it as part of an incomprehensible kidnapping scenario. I’m foggy on the plot but their operatives, Putin and Pulitov, plan to sabotage national elections. That could never, ever happen, but we have to stop the kidnapping. I mean to send you, Scarecrow, but we need someone to pose as your wife.”
“Me, me! I can do it.” Agent Francine Desmond frantically waves her hand in the air.
Scarecrow and Francine Desmond
Scarecrow’s handsome brow furrows as he stares off in space. “Who could do the job?”
Francine jumps to her feet. “Me, me! I’ve worked here nine years; I can do the job.”
“I don’t know who,” Melrose says. “Barbie’s pregnant and Paula’s on assignment.”
“Me, me! I’ve got two masters and a doctorate in spyology.”
Stetson snaps his fingers. “What about Petunia Oggleswort?”
“Out sick. The entire steno pool fell ill. We’ve run out of options, Lee. Who do you think, Francine?”
“Oh, Chief, I’m so glad you finally asked…”
Whump! The door swings open. Amanda King bouncy-steps in carrying a tray.
“Hi everyone. I brought fresh cookies.”
Francine mutters under her breath. “Oh, no. Go away, you b-b-bitc—.”
Chief Melrose brightens. “Oh hi, Amanda. I’m afraid we’re too busy to chat. We’re in the midst of a crisis trying to figure out who…” He stops and looks significantly at Stetson. “You thinking what I’m thinking?”
Scarecrow selects an oatmeal chocolate chip. “I’m thinking we need coffee with the cookies.”
“No, I mean the op. Right in front of our noses: Amanda! We use Mrs King! She could pose as your wife.”
“Oh no,” says Stetson, vigorously shaking his head. “Not a civilian.”
Francine nods. “Exactly. She’s just a silly suburban tw—“ She stops as everyone turns to stare at her. “… uh, twenty-nine year old housewife.”
Amanda distributes more cookies. “Twenty-six and no, I don’t want the job. I have to run home to head up the birthday party for my son, uh, whats-his-name and my other boy, um, er… His name will come to me too. And my mother’s babysitting right now although she’d rather be cleaning the refrigerator and I have to take my station wagon in for the twenty-two thousand mile oil change and visit the book store where we killed that mafia guy and grab lunch at the tea shoppe where those foreign agents shot at us and and buy vegetables although I can’t understand why people like broccoli or eggplant, and do my nails and watch my soaps and MacGyver and Cheers and I never miss Columbo so you see I’m very busy.”
“Hmmph. Busy seeking endless praise and admiration, you attention craving c—…” Francine suddenly realizes she’s mumbling aloud. “Er, I mean cunning manipulator, just too perfect for poor spies like us.”
“It’s settled then. Scarecrow, you and Mrs. King check into the resort as a honeymoon couple. Francine, see to the details.”
Francine throws up her hands. “Oh, no, no. I’m not covering for that skinny-ass—“ She stops. “… assiduously slender housewife. Okay, okay, I’ll do it. I’ll do it. Then shoot me.”
Amanda sips a glass. “I’m afraid I don’t know these fancified wines and stuff. Now my mother loves colorful booze, pinks and pastels. I feel so outclassed. Really, that time you bought me steak tartare I thought it was raw hamburger, but that shows you my taste or lack of taste, as I’m sure you already know because I’m happy with Burger King where they cook the steak tartare and put it on a sesame seed bun with pickles and onions and…. Oh, look! There’s our quarry.”
“Shh, Amanda. Don't stare."
“But he looks so much like Francine.”
“It is Francine. She slipped into disguise to fool the bad guys. Let’s find our room and get some sleep.”
Once they unlock the door, Amanda protests.
“There’s only one bed.”
“Yes, of course. We share one bed in episodes 2, 20 and 33. Our cover is we’re on our honeymoon.”
“Not me, buster. I wasn’t raised that way. Maybe Mr. King said my notion of oral sex was endlessly talking, but that’s why he’s the ex-Mr. King ’cause he expected hanky-panky on our honeymoon and I’m not that kind of girl, I mean he’s still Mr. King I guess but I’m not his Mrs ’cause that’s not my sort of thing although you and I glow with repressed sexual attraction and everyone except McMillan & Wife has been bangin’ since the 1960s, well, 1920s and before, I mean look at the court of Louis XIV, but anyway I’ll take the sofa because you won’t fit, on the sofa I mean, or you can stay up and hide in the hallway closet– there’s a metaphor if I ever said one– and spy on the guy about to be kidnapped, anyway I think it’s wrong of the agency to put us together like this and… Are you snoring? Hey, are you awake? Well, I’ll just slip out and look for the kidnappers on my own.”
Next morning, Lee Stetson awakes to the sound of the telephone.
“Scarecrow, where are you? The kidnappers nabbed their victim along with Amanda. They made a run for the get-away limo, but they couldn’t unlock it. They’re headed for their escape chopper.”
“I’m on my way, now.”
Stetson arrives in time to see the helicopter start to lift off. Abruptly its engine chokes, coughs black smoke, and the whirlybird settles back to the ground as it backfires and dies.
The kidnappers fire several machine gun rounds before the doors burst open and the bad guys fall out, knuckling their eyes. Amanda steps down, holding a can of hair spray.
“Hi everyone! I haven’t been trained with mace, but I had my big-hair-spray can and let ’em have it. And I put fingernail polish in the limo locks so the bad guys couldn’t get in and I borrowed, well, purloined actually, maple syrup from kitchen and poured it into the helicopter gas tank. I didn’t know if it would work, but figured it worth a try, and it did pretty well, didn’t it? Didn’t it?”
“Congratulations, Mrs King,” says Chief Melrose. “I’m sure the President wants to award you another secret commendation.”
Francine stares daggers. “Why you scheming, sleazy, slu…” She stops under the glare of Melrose and Stetson. “I mean sultry, sultry and silky Mata Hari.”
“Matty Harry who? I’m just a simple suburban housewife and mother of uh, two, I think, let’s see… one… yes, two, and I’m so pleased I could stop the bad guys and speaking of stop, I should be at the bus stop to pick up my kids, no wait, maybe Mom will pick them up or they can walk. But any awards should go to Lee because he’s the best secret agent ever and I’d do him if we didn’t work together and I love Francine who alerted the bad guys we were on to them spooking them with that innovative disguise that put them on the run. Anyway, I promised to make meatloaf for next week’s royal heiress episode.”
“You’re adorable,” says Stetson.
“Winsome,” Chief Melrose says. “Isn’t she a darling, Francine? Francine?”
“Uh-oh! Francine’s choking,” cries Amanda. “Quick, I learned Cub Scout CPR.”