02 August 2020

Merciful Air Conditioning Appreciation Festival

steamy Florida writer man Leigh
Steamy Florida Man
I’m celebrating MACAF, Merciful Air Conditioning Appreciation Festival. Village lads luge ’cross frozen cobblestones on home-grown ice blocks. Hyperboreal maidens dance around The Great Icicle stalactite streaming ice-blue ribbons. Famed artists compete to carve the bestest ice sculpture before melting in the ƒ-ing Florida heat.

You guessed it. My air conditioning went out, in Florida, on a weekend (naturally), coinciding with a record heat wave, and my brain cells are dehydrating. Why, oh why always on weekends?

The original York A/C had passed its 40th birthday. While it would have happily celebrated its quinquagenary (I cheated and looked that word up), experts claimed its inefficiency was killing glaciers in Manitoba.

I desired a heat pump manufactured in North American, one that wouldn’t keel over milliseconds after the warranty expired. To be fair, LG claimed a unit in Nunavut was rumored to have lasted eleven years. Guinness disqualified it — it hadn’t been plugged in.
My salesman said, “I can offer you a Rheem…”
“No kidding, I saw the prices.”
“… or we can talk Ruud.”
“That was, wasn’t it.”
“You need the Atlas Kazoom Freezer-Kool Polar 3000, fully automatic, four barrel, thirteen stage, multilevel, max-filter, micro-fibre, zip-lock, four-on-the-floor, orthopædic super-traction, six-gigawatt, five-speed, 29 SEER, solar-ready, entertainment-prepped, streaming, IoT featuring Apple Siri, Google Home, Alexa alert, corona-virus secure, mercury-free, gluten-free, biometric, child-proof, NASA-approved, UL listed Intel Inside HVAC with the opt-in hyper-glow platinum-plated Coldplay thermostat…”
“Uh, I just want an air conditioner, you know, a heat pump.”
He gave me a pitying look for my failed foresight and lack of regard for his commission, just when he needed new golf clubs.

I opted for Lennox, still made in America’s heartland, boasting a 125 year history. The outside condenser’s dimensions astonished me, the size and price of a small apartment building. Micro-miniaturization doesn’t apply in the physics of air conditioning. Apparently the ‘SEER’ energy rating grows along with bulk, but at least my house’s interior has dropped below triple °F digits.

So now I’m celebrating Air Conditioning Festival where village dogs pull faux sleds and bark at heat thermals. The madness should fade as the temperature drops.

The following shows my original heat pump, the new one, and the model the salesman tried to foist on me.

The Hypothermia Headliners

I needed to replace the Baby Bear original…

The Baby Bear A/C model
1978 Trash-a-Rainforest Pain-in-theTush model (T.A.R.P.I.T)

So I bought the Mama Bear…

The Mama Bear A/C model
The Woefully Inadequate Middlin’ Pump (W.I.M.P) model

Instead of the recommended Papa Bear…

The Papa Bear A/C model
Penumbra 6000, 3rd largest American Air Heat for Home, Hut, Hovel, House, Hotel, & Hamlet (AAHHHHHHH)

Hey, this is Florida!


  1. Congratulations on your acquisition. Enjoy!

  2. Hope you have a generator (we do). Isn't there a hurricane on the way to Florida? Hope it doesn't hit you.

  3. Leigh, at least when the hurricane blows your house away, you'll be able to identify your vacant lot by the remaining air conditioner unit still standing..

  4. Leigh, you need a bigger house to go with all that air conditioner. Of course once you get a bigger house you'll need an even bigger air conditioner and so on.

  5. Thanks, Janice!

    You're right, O'Neil. We're already feeling the effects inland.

    RT, I hope so! I think the solution is to build a live-in HVAC system where we eliminate the house altogether.

    Paul… (laughing) You got it. That's part of their A/C guys' evil plan.

  6. Think air conditioner prices are high? Try getting quotes on a new roof for your house. The lowest estimate we've received so far is $14,000. The final estimator will be here tomorrow afternoon. We're up north, so at least it's nice & cool in the house.

  7. Oh Elizabeth, I feel for you. Been there, done that, last time in 2013, all from hurricanes. In 2004, lost TWO roofs, one that had been replaced only 5 years earlier.

    In 2005, I'd paid a contractor for materials (metal tile) and he died after stripping off the old roof. Roofs and I do not get along. Best of luck to you!

  8. That is horribly scary, Leigh! Hoping your roof is O.K. now & can keep all that nice cold air in the house where it belongs.

  9. Thanks, Elizabeth and best to you!

  10. "I can offer you a Rheem" LOL!

  11. I'm glad someone caught that, Jeff!

  12. Finding the right air conditioner repair service is never an easy task. For this reason, it is highly important to apply certain methods to find a professional air conditioner repair service that converts. I strongly recommend cambridgeenergycentre.co.uk to everyone.


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