07 June 2016

Hope There’s No Shortage of Tinfoil

It’s June. So I thought I’d write about conspiracy theories. What it has to do with June, I don’t know. But why not? Maybe it’s a conspiracy.
So, to start off, here’s a list of conspiracy theories from Time Magazine (http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/completelist/0,29569,1860871,00.html). The commentary is mine and not meant to be offensive. We can agree to disagree, but hopefully have some fun doing so.

The JFK Assassination: Okay, we all know about this one. The CIA or Lyndon Johnson or the Mafia or Castro had Kennedy killed. Nobody can believe that a dipwad like Oswald could have done it alone. And despite Oliver Stone’s fiction called JFK, and having read Jim Garrison’s book, Heritage of Stone, which challenged the truth of the Warren Commission’s investigation about JFK’s assassination, I still believe Oswald acted alone. So put me down on the side of Vincent Bugliosi, who pretty much debunked the conspiracies. The real conspiracy here is the size of his book, but you know what they say, big book, big… Just ask Mr. Trump. He has big books.

9/11 Cover-Up: In this one it’s our own government (again) who planned and done it. I hate to blow anyone’s tinfoil helmet off their head, but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes it’s the simplest theory that explains something. There have been investigations, both government (I know, can’t trust ’em) and by private groups, including Popular Mechanics and The National Institute of Standards and Technology, and there’s just no real evidence of a government conspiracy.

Area 51 and the Aliens: Aliens crash landed in the Southwest desert and are being refrigerated at Area 51, a top secret base. Now, I know this one’s true ’cause I saw Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith in Independence Day and that was a documentary, wasn’t it? Kind of like Stone’s JFK was a documentary. Okay, the government has secrets. Okay, people have seen weird flying machines over the desert, most likely from the Lockheed’s Skunk Works in Lancaster, CA, if not from there from their own psilocybin addled brains. – Okay, for real: for this one you need more of a colander on the head. Tin foil just won’t do.

A magazine about the Paul is dead rumor
Paul Is Dead: Well, I know this one’s not true. Because I’m not dead…yet. But I have come close a few times. Once, when a producer threatened to send his pals in the Israeli Mossad after me after we got into an argument. But I digress. This one’s about all the clues in Beatle songs and on their album covers pointing to the “fact” that Paul McCartney was killed and replaced by a look-alike, sound-alike double. After all, we all know the Walrus was Paul, Paul was barefoot on the cover of Abbey Road, which also had the words 28 IF on a car license and John sings “I buried Paul” at the end of Strawberry Fields. All I know is that if Paul is dead, the FNG did a pretty good job at songwriting and singing and coming up with some inventive bass parts. So maybe it was a good thing the real one got offed. And perhaps he is dead or at least ran away with Elvis and Jim Morrison, who are really not dead either, and are living the life of Riley on some fabulous bikini atoll somewhere.

Secret Societies Control the World: The Illuminati, the Masons, the Bilderbergers, the CFR, rule the world behind the scenes for their own nefarious ends. But unless their nefarious ends are total stupidity and chaos, they’re not doing a very good job. Now, if I could write a great conspiracy yarn and make Dan Brown money off this I’d become a true believer. And you know what they say about converts…

A Scene from the movie Capricorn One
The Moon Landings Were Faked: Hey, I know this is true. I saw Capricorn One, with James Brolin, Elliot Gould and O.J. Simpson, before he learned how to swing a knife. In this documentary something goes wrong and instead of looking like morons and upsetting the American people, the Powers That Be decide to create the whole moon landing experience on a movie soundstage. Lotta people believe it went down this way. I wonder how Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin felt/feels about that.

Another scene from Capricorn One

Jesus and Mary Magdalene: This is an alt rock band from Scotland. Formed in 1983… Oh, wait, that’s the Jesus and Mary Chain. Take 2: In this one Jesus and Mary are married. People want to believe what they want to believe. See Dan Brown comment above.

Holocaust Revisionism: This one says the Holocaust never happened. And I know it didn’t. I cite an impeccable source, quoting from the Time piece: “Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, for one, has called the Holocaust a ‘myth’.” We know there’s no agenda there and such an upstanding citizen of the world would never lie. Hence it never happened.

The CIA and AIDS: This time we learn that AIDS was created by the CIA to wipe out homosexuals and African Americans. Let’s not forget Ebola and now Zika. I’m sure they were also created by the CIA. I’m not saying nobody in our government – or other governments ever do anything wrong. But as my mom would say, some people just want to believe the worst. I know we’ve done some bad things, I just don’t think, from what I’ve been able to find via people who don’t wear tinfoil helmets, that this is true.

The Reptilian Elite: Okay, I have to admit I didn’t really know what this one was. So here’s part of the Time piece in case you’re as ignorant as me: “They are among us. Blood-drinking, flesh-eating, shape-shifting extraterrestrial reptilian humanoids with only one objective in their cold-blooded little heads: to enslave the human race. They are our leaders, our corporate executives, our beloved Oscar-winning actors and Grammy-winning singers, and they're responsible for the Holocaust, the Oklahoma City bombings and the 9/11 attacks ... at least according to former BBC sports reporter David Icke, who became the poster human for the theory in 1998 after publishing his first book, The Biggest Secret, which contained interviews with two Brits who claimed members of the royal family are nothing more than reptiles with crowns.” Now, I don’t know about the royal family, but I’m pretty sure Kanye West might be one. And all of our prez candidates and everyone in DC. So this one might be true.

This list barely taps the source, it’s proverbial tip of the iceberg of conspiracy theories. But in an effort to keep it manageable I went with Time’s list.

There might be some great story ideas here – reference Dan Brown and Dan Brown above. And they can be fun and entertaining. But they can also be scary when people believe them and reject common sense. And if they’re proven true you can tell me how wrong I was and let one of the Reptilian Elite perform a Vulcan mind meld on me.

Sorry if you’re a true believer and don’t think I’ve taken these theories seriously enough. I will probably be locked up when the New World Order takes over.

So if I’ve offended your paranoid fantasy, put on your tinfoil helmet, plug yourself into the wall and blast off. And for the real stories check out the Time link above.

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  1. Certainly DR. Who has made a good thing out of the Reptile Elite.

  2. Very good, Paul! I had a great time reading this!

    It never fails to astound me how folks who rant about the incompetence of govt., are often the first to believe that that same govt. is absolutely brilliant at orchestrating complex conspiracies. That's not to say that there's not some nefarious doings sometime, but they are seldom successful or secret.

    As for the secret societies, if they were as good as the public believes, then why do we know about them? Ha!

    The Reptilian Elite, however, is true. I are one.

  3. Serves me right for not watching Dr. Who, Janice. If I had I guess I would have known about the Reptilian Elite :)

  4. Thanks, David! Glad you enjoyed it.

    And I always did suspect that about you :)

    Re: the gov’t and conspiracies, it seems to me that when you have more than one person involved in something someone’s gonna talk sooner or later. Especially these days. Kinda like those secret societies not being so secret…

  5. David has a good point. I wouldn't say I was a JFK conspiracy theorist, but a doubter. But you're talking to a kid who believed childhood was a conspiracy.

  6. David, I'm with you - amazed at how people can at the same time believe that the government is totally incompetent and then believe that the government is running everything everywhere... And of course there are aliens among us, and most of them are politicians. Look at John Thune - the man might as well have gills and be done with it.

    Historically speaking, there's only one secret society that ever managed to keep its mysteries secret, and that's the Eleusinian Mysteries. Might have to write about that some time...

  7. Regarding Paul McCartney's supposed death, I've always thought John Lennon actually said, "I'm very stoned."

  8. Eve, you're dead on with the Thune observation. It's completely obvious to me now that he's not human. Lovecraft tried to warn us! The gills are probably cleverly concealed beneath his starched collar. I like to see what happens when he goes to the beach.

  9. Boy, you sure know how to burst a bubble. I'll go along with all your theories except the reptilian thing. I saw "V" and I know those guys are real. Now I have to get back to making more of those tin hats...

  10. Paul,
    On the death of Paul - another theory was that on the cover, Paul's feet aren't touching the ground which means he's not on this earth anymore. They look like they are touching to me but some did say they aren't.

    btw- if you read this post backwards, it says, "Stephen Buehler is a best seller." We all know that one's not true!

  11. Leigh, I think you’re right about childhood :)

  12. Ditto on the government, Eve.

  13. I think he’s supposed to have said, “I buried Paul,” Elizabeth.

  14. Gayle, you could go into business making the tin hats and help save us all.

  15. I did read your post backwards, Stephen, and I thought it said, “Stephen Buehler will be a best seller. Soon.”

  16. Lovely stuff. I always liked Art Buchwald's theory that JFK was killed by the hat industry. He went bareheaded to his inaugural and suddenly hat sales plummeted (true).

    I recommend the MythBusters Moon Landing episode. They go through a lot of the lunar legends.

    I suppose most conspiracy theorists have not pondered how man hy people it would have taken to, for example, fake the moon landing. (How did they pursuade, just frinstance, the Australian radio engineers to pretend they caught and transferred the signal from Tranquility Base?) And how is it that all these hundreds of people are willing to go to their graves without revealing the truth?

    Heinlein said, approximately, that the heart of almost every true conspiracy consists of one fool doing something stupid and several smart people trying to hide it.

  17. Thanks, Rob. And love Buchwald’s theory or should that be Buchwald’s Theory? And I’ll try to catch that MythBusters episode. And I think you’ve hit a major point about conspiracy theories: once you have so many people involved the likelihood that they’ll carry the secrets to their graves is very miniscule.


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