13 April 2014

Dumb Ways to Kill

by Leigh Lundin

Fair warning: Today’s post contains dark and macabre humour. Australia’s Metro Rail is running a public ad that’s proved amazingly popular, Dumb Ways to Die. One example: Sell both your kidneys on the internet.



They also have an interactive web site where you scroll down and can slice and dice incorrigibly cheerful little victims.


That started me thinking that all homicides are dumb, and therefore dumb ways to kill. Pay no attention to meter… but here are my suggestions for dumb ways to kill.

Dumb Ways to Kill
Give yourself a helpful edge,
Push your brother from a ledge.
When she drives you too insane,
Shove your sister from a plane.

Poison is extra nice.
You can use it more than twice.
In coffees and in soups
Or toxic-laced Froot Loops.

Don’t gamble losing your house,
When divorcing a wicked spouse.
Sharpen up a carving knife
For that inconvenient wife.
Dumb ways to kill,
So many dumb ways to kill.
Say your prayers and leave a will,
So many dumb ways to kill.
Rid yourself of that old nag
Using a garrotte and a gag.
Say goodbye to that old hag,
And toss her body in a bag.

Having trouble in your dorm?
Where bad roommates are the norm.
Dose a rag with chloroform.
Drag ’em through a lightning storm.

It’s a very common plight
To get your ass kicked in a fight.
So in the middle of the night,
Set your victim's house alight.
Dumb ways to kill,
So many dumb ways to kill.
Say your prayers and leave a will,
So many dumb ways to kill.
You meet a stalker in a bar
Drinking moonshine from a jar.
When he's drunker than you are,
Drag him home behind your car.

Say your partner’s gagged and bound,
And you have him freshly drowned,
You don’t want the body found
By nosy cop or baying hound.

There’s a rich, white-haired old geezer
Sleeps serenely in your freezer.
He looks quite peacefully at rest,
'Cept for the dagger in his chest.
Dumb ways to kill,
So many dumb ways to kill.
Say your prayers and leave a will,
So many dumb ways to kill.
Failed to get that last pay raise?
Fret no more with wasted days.
Invite your boss around to dine
In secret cut his car’s brake line.

Don’t act stupid like a dunce.
Shoot the victim more than once.
A double-tap to the head
And the victim’s good and dead.

You’re offered a hundred large
To set an explosive charge.
You do your best to make it fast
And trigger a pipe bomb blast.
Dumb ways to kill,
So many dumb ways to kill.
Say your prayers and leave a will,
So many dumb ways to kill.
Draw your pistol, load and lock
When you learn how to cock.
Pull the slide on your trusty Glock,
But you might find yourself in shock…

Although you’ve tried your very best,
You find yourself under arrest,
Tried, convicted, and all the rest,
An electrode strapped to your chest.

Dumb ways to kill…
What dumb ways do you suggest?

Abbey Road

5 comments:

A Broad Abroad said...

An attempt to reply in verse resulted in the inverse:

Would a Sleuthsayers’ barbeque be a steak-out?
Does Fran getting up before dawn make her an early riser?
Can Louis will us to do better?
If we step on Jan would she give a little whine?
Has Janice got long arms?
Is Eve angling for a place in the History books?
Could R.T persuade David, Terrence and Liz to obey the law t’night?
Is John grey-haired?
When Rob looks at his books too closely does he become dewy-eyed?
Is it possible to give Dixon uphill and down ale with Dale?
If I shot Leigh would I be a Sleuthslayer?

Fran Rizer said...

Leigh, your rhyme is actually a song, which I knew immediately by the fact that it jumped into a melody and you put the refrain out on the side. Have you ever seen "1000 Ways to Die?"
A Broad, yes, I am indeed an early riser. My ex wanted to call our first born "Bud," which would have given us a son named Bud Rizer.

Anonymous said...

You find yourself on the run
after using a shotgun

Leigh Lundin said...

Thanks, ABA! I got all but two of those.

Fran, I have now, thanks to you and the internet. I just watched death by carrot!

Anon, that's the idea. So many dumb ways to kill.

Louis A. Willis said...

I have to type fast before I lose my internet connection again.

Great post. I didn't think writing about death could be so humorous.