12 February 2012

Florida News (Not-so-Hot Sex Edition)

by Leigh Lundin

Florida postcard As you know from past reporting, Florida is one weird state, the only one with its own Fark tag. Sometimes an upstart like Arizona might try to compete, but the Sunshine State is so outlandish that mere cud-a-bin contenders haven't a chance. For example we recently learned pepper spray and tasers trump hi-tech light sabres. And Casey Anthony is never quite out of the news– her attorney went on Geraldo Rivera's show to decry talk show media attention. Apparently José Baez doesn't comprehend irony.


Fair warning: Much of today's report deals with s-e-x, although this time there're no DWS shaving incidents nor intimacy with a handgun.

Personally I like sex. Florida does not. The state actually banned sex, as you shall see, but they weren't satisfied. This is a state with a statute on the books banning sex with porcupines.

Florida doesn't much like nudity either, although visitors to Playalinda Beach tried. You can go topless on South Beach, but good luck elsewhere. Weirdly, some towns legislate swim suits, tops and bottoms, using 9th grade geometry term such as hemispheres and bisected angles. Truly.

Florida Bans Sex

Legislators like to prove to their constituents they're doing something for their money, which usually means passing useless laws. It's true the great state of Oklahoma solved a huge problem when they moved to ban human fetuses in food, but Florida started worrying about tourists having sex with animals, corpses, and presidential candidates. So, the Sunshine State outlawed sex. Really.

Politicians will enforce the ban just as soon as they quit screwing the public.

Florida Golf Wasn't Listening

If you launched a paedophile take-down operation, would you give it the pervy name Operation Red Cheeks? Blech, but that's what Osceola County did in a sting operation near Walt Disney World. Deputies arrested a swim coach and a pro golfer.

A golfing perpetrator really T's me off.

But Kids Are Listening

Fox News climbed right on this story: A 15-year-old called the cops on her mom for having sex. It seems she heard bangin' though the bedroom walls and that meant, yech, mom was having sex. Eew.

Good call, girl. If I'd been as proactive as she, I might not have suffered two younger brothers.

But Not Listening Hard Enough

After a 14-year-old boy hugged his best friend, a 15-year-old girl, his Palm Bay school suspended them. A spokeswoman said the school's focus was on learning, but apparently affection isn't on the books. The girl was punished too, and the suspension was in their permanent records.

That's so they can look back at how ridiculous that ordinance was.

Who's Yer Daddy?

You probably heard Palm Beach Polo Club developer John Goodman just adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend as his daughter to allegedly avoid paying out in a lawsuit.

Okay, here's my question: Won't it be creepy if he tells his new daughter she's ƒing Hot? Won't boffing Heather Hutchins constitute incest? Shouldn't this be doubly illegal?

Busted Big Time

Okay, I'm aware some women suffer keyboard chatter, but driving problems? Martin County deputies stopped a woman driving a Toyota Camry on a suspected DUI who needed to get things off her chest. An operational Camry probably came as a shock, but the officer was stunned when the suspect said she couldn't do the DUI perp walk because her 'big boobies' (no 'ballpark size' specified) overbalanced her and she suffered 'whiplash'. To show she had nothing to hide, she started to strip but the officer stopped her.

Though the lady was in her cups, at least the officer kept abreast of the aforementioned law.

Tastes Like Chicken

Finally, if you were ever curious what human eyeballs taste like, ask a Lynn Haven arrestee.

Me, I want to shower and do something sane like take up writing for a living. See you next week!


  1. Better watch out, Leigh! That “upstart state” Arizona turns 100 this Tuesday, on Valentine’s Day. And, we “Desert Rats” are just scurrying with joy! (We’d be “bursting with joy,” but the visual of a bursting rat is kinda gross. Doncha think?)

    Though the lady was in her cups, at least the officer kept abreast of the aforementioned law.

    Kudos! For two (count ‘em: TWO) great rim-shots separated by a single comma. Absolutely pun-tastic!

    And, I can’t help thinking it’s a good thing the cop stopped her before he had to arrest her. She’d obviously just “bust” out of jail, anyway!


  2. On the plus side, you're living on a literary gold mine.

  3. Yeah, looks like Florida material practically writes itself. More, more! You haven't even used the word "alligator" yet.

  4. Florida resident12 February, 2012 11:02

    It's your bread and butter, bud. Like the lady says, you'll never run out of material.

  5. "The state actually banned sex, as you shall see, but they weren't satisfied."

    Well, I would think not.

  6. (laughing) Good point, Rob.

    Elizabeth, Janice, and Fl resident, you're absolutely right. Some of the past reports go well beyond fiction.

    Dixon (laughing), poor lady, nothing could hold her. I didn't really mean to insult Arizona… wait, yes, I did! There's enough madness to share!

    Happy birthday, Arizona!

  7. Well, Leigh, for the next two weeks we are natives. Sort of. Pat and I just settled into a condo at Gulf Shores Alabama for the next two weeks. The Valentines' Day column posts from here! (Sorry -- it will have nothing to do with Arizona.)

  8. OMG. I think maybe I can actually post. I'm back on my desk top computer and am going to try. I'd just like to say Leigh, that you seem to be preoccupied with sex or the lack thereof. But your writing talents especially punning talents seem to be more mature.

  9. [Florida] is a state with a statute on the books banning sex with porcupines.

    The pricks!

  10. (laughing) Thanks, ABA.

    Jan, I'm always preoccupied with sex but I do try to act a little mature. (grin)

    Dale, I'm happy you and Pat are traveling so much. I look forward to your post!


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