Five Red Herrings, Volume 11

1. Pictures from a Prosecution. Back in 2017 the Library of Congress held an exhibit of unusual art: drawings by courtroom illustrators. Fascinating stuff including such sinister types as Charles Manson, Bernie Madoff, and (?) J.K. Rowling.

2. Man, that's succubustic. I have mentioned Lowering the Bar before. A wonderful website about all that is ridiculous in the world of law. This entry concerns a California attorney who used (invented, really) the word "succubustic' to describe the behavior of a female judge who refused to grant him the attorney's fees he wanted. (Apparently the lawyer worked very hard on the case, clocking 25 hours in a single day, for instance.) He also referred to the "defendant's pseudohermaphroditic misconduct." Stylish.

3. Write like a girl. Useful for all of us boy author types: Women Share the Biggest Mistakes Male Authors Make with Female Characters. Here's one from jennytrout: "We have never, ever looked in a mirror and silently described our nude bodies to ourselves, especially the size/shape/weight/resemblance to fruit, etc. of our breasts."

4. Write like a cop. From Robin Burcell, Top Ten Stupid Cop Mistakes (in Fiction). "Only some of the bosses are evil or stupid..."

 5. "Dieoramas." Article from Topic Magazine about Abigail Goldman, who  is an investigator for the Public Defender's office in my county. Her hobby is making tiny 3-D "reproductions" of entirely fictional murder scenes. Creepy...

When Good Teachers Go Bad

Last week, I wrote about the attorney who argued his client was too rich for prison, and this week’s article began with a similar theme until it morphed into something else.

Kristin L.S. Beck is an athletics trainer who had sex with at least one minor. Although the victim is a child, the Commonwealth of Virginia does not consider an adult engaging in sex with a juvenile 15 years or older a felony. The 30-year-old was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, a misdemeanor, and is not required to register as a sexual offender.

Beck’s lawyer argued for no sentence at all, claiming his client was the victim and added she voluntarily forfeited her license as an athletic trainer working with students.

“I'm not sure jail time would achieve anything,” he said.

The judge compromised, giving her six months behind bars, but he chastised her for betraying the public trust.

What we think we know

As I mulled over the article, it seemed to me I’d been reading a lot about women teachers having sex with minors. Curious, I googled.

One of the first sites I turned up listed thirty-some teachers. Naturally, Florida is one of the worst offenders. Only three were male, one out of eleven. I googled again, recognizing such names as too-pretty-for-prison Debra LaFave who prosecutors and judges in two Florida counties let walk. And Mary Kay Letourneau, the teacher who bedded one of her sixth-grade students and, after being given a pass by the judge couldn’t stay away from him, and following re-arrest and time  in the clink, eventually married him. And Pamela Smart who persuaded her 15-year-old paramour to murder her husband.

Wait. I know teachers. For some reason, I’ve dated an inordinate number of educators and many more are friends, including my writing buddies. Every one I know is dedicated, hard-working, and concerned about their students. It has to be every vulnerable teacher’s nightmare to be falsely accused. But, as every teacher knows, there are always a few bad apples.

What’s going on here?

Something else is happening. One writer bemoans that dozens of women teachers are being accused of sexual acts. As it turns out, the writer was wrong: not dozens, but hundreds. Names poured out of my screen. Hardly digging at all, in less than an hour I turned up more than 400 cases:

Kelly A•••	Christina G••••••••	Alexa N••••••
Tabitha A••••	Donna Carr G•••••••	Amie Lou N••••
Susan Christina A•••••••	Kelly Ann G•••••	Linda N••
Shelley A••••	Jennalin G•••••-C••••	Cheryl N•••••
Toni A•••••	Lindsay G•••••-Y••••	Angela Sue N••
Brianne A•••••	Ellen G•••••••	Kristine N•••
Tina Marie A••••	Jacquelyn Faith G•••••••	Rebecca N••••••
Barbara A•••••••	Sandra ‘Beth’ G•••••	Christine N••••
Ethel A•••••••	Rachelle G••••••	Amy N••••
Melissa A•••••••	Robin G•••••••••	Amy N••••••••
Melissa Ann A•••••••	Stephanie G••••••••••	Carrie O’C•••••
Bethany A•••••••	Jennifer M. G•••	Kristi Dance O••••
Jamie A••••••••	Lisa G••••	Christina O•••••
Melissa A•••••	Helen G••••••	Jody O••••••
Amanda A••••	Brandy Lynn G•••••••	Brenda O••••••
Kari Jo A•••••••	Christel C. G••••••	Laura P•••
Sherri Lynn B••••	Marla G••••••-H••••••	Angela P•••••
Brenda B••••••••••	Lisa G•••••••	Janet P•••••
Leslie B••••	Jamie Nicole H•••	Cameo P••••
Erica B••••	Summer Michelle H•••••	Karen P•••••
Pamela B•••••	Emily Suzanne H•••••••	April P•••••••••
Melissa B•••	Katherine J. H•••••	Alison P•••
Nicole Andrea B•••••••	Emma Jean H••••	Naomi P••••
Bella B••••••	Dr. Allison H•••••••	Carrie P••••••
Janelle B••••••	Georgianne H••••••	Kelsey P•••••••
Ashley Jo B••••	Stephanie Diane H•••••	Candace R. P•••••
Amy B•••	Holly H••••••	Linda P••••••
Kristin L. S. B•••	Cathy H•••••••••	Kaci P••••••••
Rebecca B•••••	Kristal Renee H••••	Nicole P••••••••
Allanah B•••••-W••••	Maria Guzman H••••••••	Nicola P•••••••
Shannon B•••	Shannon H••••••	Michelle P••••••
Anna B••••••••••	Wendy L. H••••••	Julie P••••••••
Sandra L. B••••••	Katherine H••••	Stephanie R•••••
Janelle Marie B•••	Rachel Ann H••••	Shebana R•••••
Joy B•••••••••	Symantha H••••	Beth R••••••
Michelle B••••••	Deanna H••••••	Makayla Dawn R••••••
Deanna B•••	Becci H•••	Lauren R••••••
Rebecca B•••••	Crissy H••••	Danielle R•••
Rebecca B•••••••	Adrianne H••••••	Deborah R•••••
Sandra B••••••	Meredith H•••••	Courtney Sue R••••••
Loni B•••••••	Abigail H•••••••	Jennifer R•••
Valynne B•••••	Sarah H•••••	Claire R•••••••
Courtney B•••••	Rachel L. H•••	Kristy C. R•••••
Rebecca Ann B•••••••	Diana H•••	Karen R••••••
Kristyn B•••••	Kanesa H••••••	Liza-Anne R••••••
Keri Ann B•••••	Stacy H••••••	Rebecca R••••••••-S••••••
Cheryl B••••••	Cynthia H••••••	Trina R•••••
Mariella B••••••	Emily Elizabeth H••••••	Valerie R••••••
Sherry B•••••	Amy Lynn H•••••	Pamela R••••• T•••••
Sarah B••••••	Christine H••••	Marcie L. R•••••••
Alini B••••	Janet H•••••	Sharon R•••••••••
Christy Anne B••••	Ellen H•••	Erica R••••••
Rosanna Encinas B••••	Heather I•••••	Kellie R•••
Laura-Anne B•••••••	Amy Bass J••••••	Tamara R••••
Rita B•••	Hope J•••••	Amira S•’D•
Sheree B•••••••	Nicole J••••••	Maria S•••
Whitney Dow B•••	Urszula J••••••••	Megan S••••••••
Ashley B••••••	Courtney J••••••	Kristy S••••••-T•••••••
Rachel B•••••••	Amber S. J•••••••	Donna Lou S••••••
Stephanie B•••••••	Sarah J•••	Lynn S•••••••
Kimberly B••••	Christine Marie J•••••••	Christine S•••••••
Lucinda Rodriguez C•••••••	Kasey J•••••	Stacy S••••••
Christine C••••	Hope J••••	Jennifer S••••••
Wendy C•••••	Marie J••••••	Dawn Marie S•••••••••••••••
Diana C•••••	Danielle J••••	Wendie A. S•••••••••
Christina C••••••	Sarah J••••	April S••••••
Gwen C••••••	Christine J•••••	Heather S••••••
Katheryn L. C••••••	Meredith K•••	Beth S•••••••
Harriett Louise C•••••	Elisa K•••••••	Bethany S•••••••
Amy Kathleen C•••••	Denise K•••••	Leah S••••••
Katie C••••••••	Rebecca Lee K•••••	Michelle S•••••••
Melissa C••••	Jodi A. K••••••	Natasha S••••
Beth Ann C••••••	Heather K••••••	Joan Marie S•••••
Heather C•••••••	Tammy K••	Pamela S••••
Whitney C•••••	Irene K•••	Christy Lee S••••
Michelle Rose C••••	Mariane K••••••	Sheral Lee S••••
Jodi C•••••	Kirsten K•••••	Melissa S•••
Jennifer C••••	Haven K••••••••••	Samantha S••••••
Lisa Lynette C••••	Jodi K••••••••••	Amanda S•••••
Susan C•••••••	Anne K••••	Mary Jo S••••
Tammy C••••••	Melissa Diana K•••	Christine S•••••
Stephanie C•••	Abby K•••••	Ashley S••••••
Angela Christine C•••••	Kym K•••••	Yvette S••••••
Brittni C••••••	Nicole K•••••••	Stephanie Ann S••••
Angela Renee C••••	Michelle K•••	Angela S•••••••
Andrea C••••••	Debra Beasley L•F•••	JoAnn S•••••••
Amanda Leigh C•••••	Adrienne L•••••••	Erin Baynard S••••••
Kellie Ann C•••••••	Margaret L•••••••	Meghan Allison S••••••
Julie Gay C•••••	Shanice L••••••	Jenifer S••••••
Lauren C•••••••	Melissa L•••••••	Elizabeth S•••
Megan C••••••	Lisa L•••••	Sara S•••••
Kimberly C••••	Christina L•••••	Lakina S•••••
Tara Lynn C••••	Heather L•• B••••••••	Kristen S•••••••
Elyse C•••••••	Autumn L•••••••	Beulah Nicole G••••••• S•••••
Kahtanna C•••	Mary Kay L•••••••••	Abbie Jane S••••••
Kelly Lynn D••••••	Vicky Lynn L•••••••	Traci T•••
Heather D•••••••••	Jill L••••	Jennifer T••••••••
Gay D•••••••-S••••••	Amy Gail L•••••	Michele T•••••
Kathia Maria D••••	Angela Simmons L•••••	Katherine T••
Margaret •• B••••••••	Jennifer Dawn L•••••	Tanya T•••••••••
Teri K. D••••	Elizabeth Claire L••••••	Erin T•••••
Melissa Michelle D•••	Nicole L•••	Heather T••••••
Melinda D•••••	Chantella L•••••	Lauren T•••
Diane D•M••••••-S•••••	Julia L•••	Deborah Lee T•••••
Jennifer D••••••	Kimberly L••••	Rebekah T•••
Megan D•••••	Jennifer M••••••	Sarah L. T••••••
Melinda D••••••	Jennifer M••••	Gay Lyn T•••••
Julie A. D••••	Kesha D. M•••••	Pamela Joan Rogers T•••••
Erica D•P•••	Kristen M••••••	Jennifer T••••
Nadia D•••	Lisa Robyn M••••••••	Erica U•••••••
Cara D•••••	Amber M•••••••	Michelle V••M••••
Stefanie D••••••••	Christy M•••••	Rachelle V•••••••
Pamela D••••-M••••	Katryna M•••••	Sheila V••••••
Dorothy Elizabeth D••••	Elisa M•••••••••	Jamie W••••
Jennifer D••••••	Andrea M•••••••	Jaymee W••••••
Stephanie D•••••	Tina M••••	Danielle W••••
Tara D•••••••	Lindsay M••••••	Stephanie Jo W••••••
Christine D•••	Cindy M••••	Allenna W•••
Andrea E••••	Melissa Kellie M•B••	Donna W••••••••
Susan E•••	Christine M•C•••••	Amanda W••••••
Amy E••••	Carrie M•C•••••••	Gina Marie W••••••
Christine E•••••	Cristina M•C•••	April W•••••
Rhianna E••••	Melissa Dawn M•C•••	Kelly McKenzy W•••••
Amy Rita E••••••••	Michelle M•C••••••	Melissa W••••
Celeste E••••••	Amy M•E••••••	Crystal W••••
Teresa E••••••••	Lynnette M•I•••••	Dawn W•••••
Jennifer E•••••••	Regina M•K••	Kathy W••••
Darcie E••••	Alexandra Elizabeth M•L•••	Shelley W••••
Michelle F•••••	Erin M•L•••	Jennifer W••••••
Diana Leigh F••••••	Amberlee Evonne M•••••	Heather W••••••
Rachel L. F••••••	Elizabeth M•••••••••	Amber Renea W•••••••••
Laura Lynn F••••••	Amy N. M•••••	Christy A. W•••••
Marcy R. F•••••	Kelly K. M•••••	Kacy W•••••
Carol F••••••••	Julie Ann M••••	Tawni W••••••••
Stephanie F•••••••	Michelle M•••••	Robin W•••••
Ashley F•••••	Cris M•••••	Emma W•••
Lisa F•••••	Emily M•••••	Jessica Bailey W•••••••
Ronda F•••	Alison M••••••	Toni Lynn W••••
Andrea F••	Melissa M•••	Kimme A. W••••
Chandra F•••••	Elizabeth M•••	Amy Y••••••••
Natalie F•••••••	Antonia M••••-J•••••	Shannon Y••••
Lynne F••••••	Franca M••••-J•••••	Melanie K. Y••••
Kenzi F•••••	Allison M••••••••	Heather Lynne Z••
Gail E. G••••	Karolyn N••••	Michelle Z••••••••
Zenna G••••••	Sheryl A. N•••••••	Maria Z•••••

Some of the above cases have yet to go to trial while charges in others have been dropped.
A person is not judged guilty until determined by a court of law.

This is a sizable sampling, not a comprehensive list, but I'm making a point. Columnists casually speak of 'dozens', but there appear to be hundreds, perhaps thousands plus many unreported.

I could be wrong, but I don’t for a moment believe predation by female teachers (and aides, coaches, PTA members, etc.) outnumbers male’s by eleven to one. Slate writer William Saletan attempts to extrapolate from general rape statistics. Contrary to an US Department of Education survey that says in 2004 that 43% of complaints were against women, he claims assaults by male teachers outnumber female by 25-to-1 and echoes popular opinion that female aggressors are “less vile.” He intimates that male ‘victims’ are almost grown up and can better tolerate harassment.

He appears to miss the point that many Americans don’t regard sex with a female teacher a crime. Thanks to reluctance of victims and their families, fewer female teachers are accused, fewer yet are charged, fewer are prosecuted, and still fewer are given jail or prison sentences and required to register as sexual offenders. It’s a bit like that tree falling in a forest: If a teacher is let off, is it a crime?

As a 2007 NPR segment pointed out, fewer women teachers face criminal penalties. The day after Debra LaFave was allowed to walk, a male teacher was given twenty years for the equivalent crime. Elsewhere, a former Miss Texas contestant had her case dismissed without trial. The grand jury found the relationship ‘endearing and flirtatious.’

What’s a crime in one state may not be a crime in another. If the age of consent is 15 or 16, then a felony may not have been committed. Worsening the problem, laws that acknowledge women can be capable of sexual assault have been slow to catch up.

One teacher said an internet search she conducted suggested she wasn’t engaging in a crime. Often, boys and even their families refuse to cooperate with authorities. The British National Association of Women Teachers has said that teachers who have sex with pupils over the age of consent should not be placed on sex offender registers.

The Association went on to say statutory rape laws were out of date. They weren’t alone. In comments following some of the articles I researched, many readers suggested the age of consent should be lowered to 14. Fourteen! Perhaps not coincidentally, this age cropped up most often in case searches (varying from ages 9 to 17).

Former US Secretary of Education and former Houston School Superintendent Roderick Paige taught us thousands of ways to manipulate school statistics. We don’t know how many teachers are simply dismissed rather than prosecuted, which makes a shambles of statistics maintained by Departments of Education. We don’t know how often a woman is allowed to plead to a misdemeanor or non-sex crime, whereas her male counterpart may be charged with statutory rape, sexual assault, or creative charges like false imprisonment.

The adage ‘Women get months, men get years’ isn’t quite accurate, but New Jersey courts convict a sizeable majority of men but less than half of women, and they sentence men to terms 50% longer than that of women. Nancy Grace says, “Why is it when a man rapes a little girl, he goes to jail, but when a woman rapes a boy, she had a breakdown?”

While I’m surprised by mounting evidence, I am willing to adjust my stereotype. I once consulted for Sinai Hospital outside Baltimore where they gathered reams of statistics. According to one curious number, domestic battery by women outnumbered assaults by men. (While more wives assaulted husbands, men tended to inflict more harm because of sheer physical strength.)

I mentioned this to a psychiatrist friend in New York and later to another in Virginia. Both confirmed that finding. The Virginia doctor said she believed the reason was that women didn’t feel constraints, whereas sensible males have been taught to never hit a woman. The reverse is not taught.

With that little bit of knowledge, I could understand more or less equal numbers, but without hard statistics it’s difficult to judge. As mentioned the other day in comments of a SleuthSayers article, our society doesn’t trust men. At the same time, we take greater steps to protect our daughters than our sons. Because women teachers are trusted, is it possible some see an opportunity? Or, more kindly, does emotion and sensation slip under their guard?

This phenomenon isn't a fluke and we can’t blame incidents on ‘trashy women’. These are women with bachelors degrees, sometimes masters and doctorates, as in the case of Dr. Allison Hargrave, seducer of a troubled 13-year-old girl. These women are articulate, smart, poised community figures. Many have won awards. They held such promise.

And now?

Like many men, it’s much easier for me to sympathize with women, but can’t we find a better way to deal with this situation?

Why does one teacher receive a 25- or 30-year sentence while branded a pedophile and another's given no sentence at all? I’ve suggested before in a different context, we need to balance sentencing. First, we must decide whether an act constitutes a crime and at what level: Misdemeanor? Felony? Or simply bad judgment? And once that's determined, we need to be fair, sensible, and consistent.

The too-pretty-for-prison defense has to vanish as do overly harsh sentences. Educator-of-the-Year Ethel Anderson wasn’t pretty and she wasn’t white. She received 38 years for her relationship with a 12-year-old. Hundreds of others received a virtual slap on the wrist if they were reprimanded at all.

Society clearly has both a problem and a vested interest. We entrust our children to our teachers, people we want to care about and train our children. How do we solve this problem?

How I Got This Way - Literature and Life

Fran's blog on Adolescent Sexist Swill - which was GREAT - got me thinking about the books I read as a child and young adult.  Which ones still hold up?  Which ones don't?  Which ones do I still have on my shelves?  Which ones did I get rid of under cover of darkness?  I'm going to stick to the mystery/adventure/thriller domain, and so, here's my calls:

The ones that hold up:

Sherlock Holmes - I'm up for a trip to 221B Baker Street just about any time.  Just please, don't try to make me like the modern takes on Sherlock.  I want him lean, addicted to tobacco and/or cocaine, and totally emotionally detached.  (My favorite actor in the role was Jeremy Brett, with Basil Rathbone running a close second.)

Robert Louis Stevenson & Alexandre Dumas - the two greatest adventure story writers ever, imho.  One of my first great loves was Alan Breck in "Kidnapped".  And while the sequels to "The Three Musketeers" are overwrought to the point of pain ("The Vicomte de Bragelonne" leaps to mind), the original has almost everything anyone could hope for.  The rest is in "The Count of Monte Cristo".  (Sadly, while I love 1973/74 versions of "The Three Musketeers", I have not yet seen what I consider a decent production of "The Count of Monte Cristo" - they keep wanting to happy up the ending for Mercedes...)

Nancy Drew - you've got to start somewhere, and she was independent, fun, rescued all her friends, and solved the mysteries.  Way to go, Nancy!

Shirley Jackson - I still say the scariest movie ever made was the original "The Haunting" with Julie Harris and Claire Bloom.  Check out the books:  besides the original "The Haunting of Hill House" allow me to recommend "We Have Always Lived in the Castle".  Many of us might recognize an old, old fantasy come strangely to life.

Edgar Allan Poe - "The Cask of Amontillado" - "for the love of God, Montresor!"  "Yes, for the love of God."  Wow.

The ones that hold up, with reservations:

H. P. Lovecraft - I gave away my complete set to a young nerd who came back about a week later, strangely gray, and gave them all back to me.  He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and might have been damaged for life.  All I know is Lovecraft scared the crap out of me, I remember some of his stories vividly, a few of them were so brilliant I am still in awe of what he did, and I have no need to ever read them again.  (Same thing with "Johnny Got His Gun" by Dalton Trumbo - book and movie - saw it once, read it for some reason after that, had nightmares both times, I am done.)

My adolescent sexist swill (Thanks for the phrase, Fran!):

• The Saint, a/k/a Simon Templar, by Leslie Charteris
• Michael Shayne by Brett Halliday
• Mike Hammer by Mickey Spillane
• James Bond by Ian Fleming

I read all of these, mainly for the sex, because where else was there any in early 1960's literature?  Violent, cathartic, sometimes funny (especially Mike Shayne), sometimes educational, and a great way to really rile up the teachers.  (Girls weren't supposed to be reading them.) 

I will say that at least the Saint had Patricia Holm, who was as much of an adventurer as he was.  But then Charteris dropped Patricia. Sigh. And the James Bond novels had some strong women– but most of them, in the end, all went soft and cuddly, even Pussy Galore, which I never believed for one minute…  :)  But at least the locations were fantastic. 

I haven't run across any of Brett Halliday's in a long time, so I don't know how well he holds up, but I have re-read some of all of the others, and...  for me, they don't.  I can see the line, however, leading from these to Robert Parker's Spenser and Hawk.

My adolescent forerunners:

Agatha Christie - Still the classic, especially when it comes to plotting.  

James M. Cain - Mildred Pierce (the book) gets better every year! 

Dashiell Hammett - ah.  Nick and Nora. 

Rex Stout - I am trying to collect the complete works, and I almost have.  When it comes to media presentations, I want my Nero Wolfe (like Sherlock Holmes) unblemished by Hollywoodization - overweight, misogynistic, lazy, gourmandizing, and brilliant.  (I did like the Timothy Hutton version, although he's not how I've always pictured Archie Goodwin, and Maury Chaykin was not large enough...)

Well enough for now, I'm off to re-read "Death of a Doxy"!

Vive la Différence Part 2

by Leigh Lundin

© unknown

Straight from my eMailbox last week I mentioned a few reasons why women contend men are happy beasts. Naturally, scientists have developed a test to determine guynicity and naturally SleuthSayers proudly brings it to you.

Testing Your Man's Manliness

Give your man this scientific quiz to determine his GQ or Guyness Quotient.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
1. Present it to the President of the United States.
2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
3. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
1. Innocence.
2. Idealism.
3. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
2. When he is the pope. (not on the lips.)
3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
1. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
2. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
3. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
1. He is legally within the base path,
2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…
1. remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
2. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
3. tell that tasteless joke about the dead pedophile in the bar.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
1. cat
2. dog
3. dog that eats cats
4. alligator
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy – you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers – when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
3. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. You have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her– sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
3. Tell her what?
9. You get married. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
1. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
2. "They're in school already?"
3. "There are three of them?"
4. "Children? What children?"
   
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
1. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
2. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
3. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody – and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife – is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
1. He was being tested.
2. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
3. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
1. Democracy.
2. Religion.
3. Remote control.

How to Score: Give one point for every time you picked answer 'c'. A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would receive the special five-point bonus for getting the tasteless dead pedophile in the bar joke.

Vive la Différence Part 1

by Leigh Lundin

© unknown

I've written about the difference between men and women, a topic I find fascinating. It's fraught with danger (I don't think I've ever written 'fraught' before), laced with intrigue, and often enjoyable if not politically correct– which I don't plan becoming anytme soon. Besides, relationships shouldn't be political, despite becoming politicized through the decades.

For some time, I've received eMails titled Why Men are Happy and Why Men are Never Depressed. These have arrived in multiple editions over such a span that I noticed additions, deletions, and edits as these eMails passed through multiple hands. (Many versions can be found on-line.) Cathy Guisewite they're not, but some are fun.

Occasionally guys receive word they might not be pulling their weight in a relationship. Although the foolish might mount a vigorous defense, the wise will probably gather that 20% is not a reasonable balance nor does grilling or any other chore that might be considered enjoyable (fishing, winemaking, working on the car, sitting at the computer, watching basketball) weigh toward the ultimate accounting.

Yes, accounting, because there's a balance sheet and many other factors intrude and guys have a lot to account for. For example, here's a diary circulating on FaceBook:

Guys don't worry about the same things, snoring for example. A fellow can blissfully snore loud enough to crack ceiling plaster, but a woman will stay awake half the night waiting until her man falls asleep so he doesn't hear her snores set off car alarms. The thing is, a guy doesn't mind. First, it makes his woman human, but he also might find her snoring comforting and snap awake if she suddenly stops.

Guys irritate women in ways that are incomprehensible to men. Take finding things. Scientific American says the spatial parts of our brains evolved differently: cavemen traveled the hills and dales hunting mammoths and eventually found their way back home, while cavewomen kept their home running, wrestling leg-o-sarus into the cookpot, fried the bronto-burgers, mended woolies and loincloths for the family, and scrubbed the cave walls clean from their children's drawings. Whereas a male could find his way to a sabretooth carcass on flint ridge (without asking directions), he couldn't find the bone-handled knife in his own cave.

But his woman could, an effect Rosanne Barr in her stand-up comedy called the uterine locator. Back in our unevolved days, the cavewoman yelled, "Why do you keep asking me? Do I look like I know where everything is? Why don't you find it yourself, you're perfectly capable. What, you can't squeeze those big shoulders through the kitchen door? Because that's where it is, in the kitchen, under the sink, behind the second pot on the third shelf in the yellow box marked 'stuff.'"

There could be a wry Linda Ellerbee observation here, but let's move on to that balance sheet…

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Male

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• Your last name stays put.
• You can never be pregnant.
• The garage is all yours.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• Your underwear is  $9.95 for a three-pack.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear no shirt to a water park.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• You have freedom of choice about growing a mustache.
• Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
• Your bathroom has soap, towel, toothbrush, and shaving gear, nothing more.
• You don't have to dress up to get the mail.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• One mood all the  time. 
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You can leave the motel bed unmade.
• You can kill your own food.
• You can shop in under two minutes.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• You don't have to know anything about celebrities and their relationships.
• You don't have to know anything about your friends' relationships.
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
• No maxi-pads.
• A five-day vacation requires one suitcase.
• You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become good friends.
• If someone forgets to invite you, they can still be your friend.
• You can call your buddy f•ckface and still be friends.
• You play with toys all your life.
• You wake up looking the same as you went to bed, maybe better.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  …and…
• You can ask a woman where to find things.