20 January 2019

Florida News– Year in Review


by Leigh Lundin

Florida postcard
It’s been quite a while since the last posting vis-à-vis the madness that constitutes Florida. Ask Dave Barry. Ask Carl Hiaasen. Ask Fark.com, which awarded Florida its own tag, the only state to have earned that, er, particular honor. It’s time to review this past year.

Scott-Free

Tallahassee, FL.  Since we last spoke, our crooked Governor Rick Scott has now become our crooked Senator Rick Scott. I use the word ‘crook’ accurately and advisedly. After all, this is a crime site, not a political blog, and from a criminal standpoint, Rick Scott has made us all proud. In the land of crooks, cons, and craziness, how did he accomplish such singular honor?

Scott engineered the most massive Medicare/Medicaid fraud in history. After fines of $1.7-billion– that’s ‘billion’ with a ‘B’– he left the lucrative health care business a very wealthy man. In 2010, he turned his jaundiced sights on a fresh target– politics– where he outspent the Florida Republican party to win the nomination, and then outspent the Florida Democratic party to win the governorship. Now he becomes an unbecoming senator. Pass the fermented orange juice, please.

Reptilian Brain

St. Augustine, FL.  Sheesh. Stay out of the pool if you can’t tell a crocodile from an alligator. But wait, there’s more: The dude’s accused of  jumping in while wearing Crocs. A reptilian brain trumps no brain at all.

Leave Fluffy Alone!

Clearwater, FL.  Where’s that crocodile when we need him? A year and a half earlier at Orlando Executive Airport, an alligator took a bite out of an airplane wing. That’s not unusual, but this plane was in flight.

Tuff Mothers

Sarasota, FL.  My tiny 5-foot nothing mom was a fearsome spitfire, but these bitches fight with broken glass. It’s that reptilian brain, see.

Bouncing’s Not Only for Checks

Jacksonville, FL.  It’s not funny. Police are hunting a masked man who beat a dozing laundromat patron with a pogo stick. Was it a lack of coordination or the extra starch? Next Up: Assault with a deadly unicycle.
Note:  When I first heard this story, I chuckled in disbelief at the peculiarity of Florida. Later I learned the victim died from the oddball attack. It’s wise to remember even the goofiest crimes can have dire real-world consequences. To my knowledge, police have not located the perpetrator nor know a reason for the attack.

Extra Starch Again: It’s the Carbs

Yulee, FL. Stick a fork in it,” a North Florida man took seriously. He stabbed a poor woman in the head for undercooking his potato. What an idiot. Think she’ll ever bake a spud for him again? Lucky for him, Nassau County jail serves all the fries he can eat.

Damn, the Driver Missed

Jacksonville, FL.  Why chase ambulances when clients come to your door?

No Relation to Catherine the Great

Citra, FL.  I’m… I’m without words… and creeped out. I’ve heard of kinky pony girls, but this bizarre bozo leaves me speechless.

Kill ’em with Kindness

Milton, FL.  Can’t say our bad guys don’t wield a sense of humor. In Santa Rosa County, a wannabe killer scrawled ‘kindness’ on the blade of his machete and attacked his neighbor. The real shocker is this product of Florida education spelt the word correctly.

It’s the Carbs, Man

Lake City, FL.  Let’s close on a sweet, feel-good story ya gotta love. Cops rescued a stolen Krispy Kreme Doughnut truck and about a zillion maple-glazed, which they (munch, munch) shared with homeless folks. (urp, ’scuse me)

Orlando, FL.  An Orlando officer showed considerably less humor when he complained to a call-in talk show about that stereotype of police and doughnuts. A radio engineer isolated the background noise and realized he was phoning from a Dunkin’ Donuts.

8 comments:

janice law said...

Eve Fisher's posts about malfeasance in South Dakota have clearly pushed Florida to up its game. The rest of us can only look on with caper envy.

Paul D. Marks said...

"He stabbed a poor woman in the head for undercooking his potato." Let him come to California. I doubt that's even a crime here anymore. Literally.

Eve Fisher said...

Oh, Leigh - Florida is so... Florida.
(1) I think the turf mommies were given way too many and too flattering photos in the article.
(2) I suppose I'm just looking on the bright side, but at least Mr. Sardo was banging a horse, and not a child.
(3) Re the gator and the plane - how high can gators actually jump? Inquiring minds want to know.
(4) I don't know about SD making FL up its game, but I do know that Scott Walker, so far, has outfrauded anyone we've got. Except perhaps a current resident of la maison blanche...
GREAT post, Leigh.

Elizabeth said...

We've got some big geniuses here in Canaduffalo:

Auto shop burglarized; then burglar tries to sell back items

A burglar believed to be a white male in his 20s broke into an auto shop on Friday, puncturing a hole in the back wall of the garage and then stealing a $400 air wrench and $160 air hammer.

The incident was caught on video surveillance, but that apparently didn’t stop the suspect from returning to the shop later on that day to try and sell the tools back to the store. Buffalo police said the suspect also contacted the store owner by cell phone, but no arrest had been made as of Sunday.

A landscaping truck with a snow plow was described as the suspect’s vehicle.

Jerry House said...

One minor correction of a typo: The "kill 'em with kindness" machete man was from Milton, not Minton. Otherwise, everything you said about Florida was spot on, albeit you just scratched the surface.

Leigh Lundin said...

It’s the heat, Janice, and humidity too, considering we outpace the likes of Arizona and New Mexico. It cooks what’s left of the brain.

Paul… (laughing) The real miracle of this story is the wife had been trying for years to get her Florida cracker husband to use a fork at the dinner table.

Eve, I noticed the posing too. Some people seem to pretty themselves up assuming their mug shots will pop up on social media.
As for the horse, I courageously refrained from sooooo many awful jokes including one rottenly political. At least we learned where centaurs come from.
Once upon a time I consulted for Piper. Their planes tend to be low-wing models (except the famous Cub) unlike, say, high-wing Cessnas. Gators have the ability to rear up about their body length (excluding their tail). My guess is the reptile had been enjoying the evening warmth of the tarmac when a plane so rudely interrupted his reveries. I imagine the Piper PA 31 Navajo was near to touchdown when the alarmed beast reared up to take this bird out of the air. Alligators are heavily armored and hardy, but the quarter-ton gator was facing at least a 3¼ ton aircraft. Assume a landing speed of 130 knots, or 150mph/240kmph… that’s a big mouthful even for a gator!
Eve, Mar-a-Lago is here in Florida, little more than a hop and a skip from BeBe Rebozo and Richard Nixon’s Winter White House.

Elizabeth, I’m not sure what the back wall was made of, but maybe the crook was looking ahead, thinking the air hammer might make a good (if noisy) burglary tool. But then he tried to sell it back, so I may be wrong. Probably I am wrong, considering this genius drove such an identifiable vehicle. This time of year, I bet your crook wishes he’d sinned in Florida!

Jerry, I appreciate the correction. Thank you. It’s scary, Jerry, as you say, just scratching the surface. At least Florida offers fodder for writers!

Eve Fisher said...

Thanks for the info about gators, Leigh! The length of their bodies - well, that's enough.

Leigh Lundin said...

You're welcome, Eve. Alligators are amazing creatures. When their elbows (knees) are bent and their bellies barely clear the ground, they don't seem much of a racing machine. But when they straighten their legs and rise off the ground, they're capable of surprising burst of speed.