21 July 2019

A Public Service Announcement

by Leigh Lundin

Florida politicians are as environmentally sensitive as Jeffrey Epstein at Scott Pruitt’s Mar-a-Lago bachelor party. In the eighty years since Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, Florida hasn’t exactly become a hotbed of environmentalism.

“Drain the swamps” is the rallying cry of misguided developers. Wetlands are Nature’s kidneys, filtering polluted water before it enters ever-depleting aquifers, shrinking underground rivers supplying the state’s water.

“Chop down the forests” isn’t heard quite as often these days, but I encountered a guy who still believes trees cause pollution and environmentalism is a dastardly plot. He forgets William F Buckley Jr mentioned conservation and conservatism share the same root words and meanings.

Imagine my pleasant shock when I began seeing posters and postcards from some Orange County government subversives with tips to save the environment. Bless their hearts. Here is an example:

Orange County Public Service Announcement Nº 4

Orange County fertilizer brochure

However, those icons in the left middle of the page reminded me of a guy with a gun to his head and then possibly a gas pump. Nah. Eventually I settled upon pesticide sprayers in the land where roaches are the size of rats, rats are the size of cats, and a mouse the size of humans. But for fertilizer? At least their hearts are in the right place.

Florida panther
Florida housecat
Naturally my next thought concluded SleuthSayers would be remiss not to create its own public service announcement. But what should a criminal PSA include?
  • It should pay homage to its inspiration.
  • Orange County’s orange inexplicably went missing above, but we can fix that.
  • It should respect the work the county put into theirs. After all, they should know what a PSA looks like.
  • Therefore it should look attractive.
  • Maybe it should be informative. Or not. But yes, let’s.
I considered a bit of humor made especially for the occasion:
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give a man a puffer fish, you feed him for a lifetime.
Too subtle, huh? Maybe if I copyrighted it…

So after much head scratching, I came up with the following.

SleuthSayers Public Service Announcement Nº 1

Florida crime craft poster

What do you think? Have we succeeded in alerting the public? If not, it’s the fault of, uh, Orange County, yeah, that’s it.

8 comments:

  1. I loved that first line! (And I've been watching too much of the old "Sledge Hammer! show: all I can think of reading the real poster is Sledge's catchphrase: "Trust me, I know what I'm doing!" It seems frighteningly appropriate.)

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  2. Love the SleuthSayers PSA, Leigh. I hope I see it on TV in the middle of the night soon. Each one funnier than the one before it.

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  3. WONDERFUL! Great job, Leigh.

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  4. Read it twice to get all the fun, but then I'n one of those SLOW CHILDREN the sign on the street in front of the house warned drivers about.

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  5. Hilarious! Leigh, I think you invented the next great bumper sticker w/ the Puffer Fish saying.

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  6. .44 and a Dori, Jeff. What could go wrong? go wrong? go wrong? Not sure why, but mention of Hammer reminded me of the overzealous cop who took down a woman at a public swimming pool for not carrying ID. Really.

    Paul, we need your production skills to pull that off.

    Eve, thank you! I appreciate it.

    RT, those are weird signs, aren’t they? Not just signs… Two lawyer parents came to pick up their boy from school. When he wasn’t immediately presented, they were so outraged a volunteer assistant told them he was slow, they waged a war of harrassment against the volunteer. That ended with arrests and disbarment.

    Hey Larry! I’m glad somebody liked the puffer fish attempt. Thanks!

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  7. Speaking of trees, I mistakenly sold property with its own little grove to a real estate investor who promptly cut down its forty-some trees, including a lovely middle-aged oak. He said he’d heard roots could undermine buildings. If I hadn’t been speechless, I would’ve explained sinkholes, voids, karst, sand and gelatinous unstable soil present much more of a problem.

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