02 November 2014

Florida News, Crime and Politics Edition

by Leigh Lundin

Florida postcard
The Murder that Wasn’t

Orlando, FL   After rescuers pulled the body of Miss Hien Tran from her car, police investigators believed she’d been stabbed and her throat cut. It would turn out not to be a murder case at all. When the mail arrived a week later, the homicide investigation turned into a different case altogether.

The mail came from Honda, the manufacturer of her car and it announced the Japanese maker of the airbags, Takata, was making a recall because of bodily injuries. That may come as some small comfort to her family.

Oddly, the recall isn’t universal, but based on geography. The hypothesis is that the airbags may be affected by heat and humidity. That’s a relief because Northerners, aka snowbirds, never drive their Toyotas and Hondas to Florida.

Old Flame

Clearwater, FL   In the heat of alcohol-fueled passion, the light of his life set Carlos Ortiz on fire… literally. Using nail polish remover and a lighter, the saucy but incensed woman lit a fire under her smokin’ hot man in a case of spaghetti scorned.

Too Hunky to Resist

Deltona, FL   The fat hit the fire when a very naked quarter-tonner fan of quarter-pounders found himself under arrest after his girlfriend called police to report he was drunk and abusive. The 500-pound man was too big to fit into a police car. Instead, he sat on the ground and refused to move. Police are no dummies. They somehow wrestled him into a transport van. No word if a forklift was required.

Pam Bondi, Attorney General
Pam Bondi, Attorney General
The Irony Maiden

Tallahassee, FL   No matter which side of the same-sex marriage debate you’re on, you’ve got to find this headline head-spinningly paradoxical:

See, our governor, legislature, and pin-up Attorney General Pam Bondi strongly oppose gay marriage. But… they even more vociferously oppose gay divorce. Not good for family values, see.

I get it, but it makes my head hurt. Oh, by the way, Pam Bondi is the politician who postponed a scheduled execution so she could hit the campaign trail, putting duty second or third or fourth. This could seriously jeopardize Florida's claim as The Execution State.

The Largest Medicare/Medicaid Fraud in History

Tallahassee, FL   Typically when people claim this politician or that is a crook, they mean it more or less figuratively. In the case of our Florida governor Rick Scott, it’s literally fact, as noted by the FBI and attested to by Rudy Giuliani and reported by (gasp!) Fox News. Why this election is neck and neck or that Scott won election the first time beggars belief, but after the $1.7-billion fine for Medicare and Medicaid fraud (he's only opposed to heath care if he can't profit from it), Rick Scott needed a job and had personal millions left over to buy himself a governorship with Tea Party support that steamrolled over Florida's GOP. And he may do it again.

If at first you don’t secede…

Eve Fisher or David Edgerly Gates might provide pithy insights (no, I’m not lisping), but I find it amazing those who brag the loudest about their fulminating love of America are the same folks who want to break up the Union when they don't get their way. (See Eve’s recent articles on revolutions.) Here in Florida, we have two proposals.

Pensacola, FL   The first proposal is to annex Georgia and South Carolina, the heart of the Old South, and break away into a confederate nation called Reagan, as if the great communicator himself wouldn’t be horrified. Longitudinally, at least, they couldn’t get much farther to the right.

Miami, FL   The other proposal is to split Florida into two states, diagonally (sort of). The impetus comes from the inattentiveness and failure of Tallahassee (read: governor and legislature) to take global warming seriously. The City of South Miami has set forth a resolution that before Miami and the Keys sink beneath the waves, they take their own measures and let Tallahassee do what it will– or won’t. I live a few hundred metres from the new state line, which could make things interesting.

As usual, suspects and accused are deemed innocent until proven guilty.


  1. Inspiring as always.
    No wonder Florida crime writers have such baroque plots.

  2. I just love the way you write. Really! (I know I should have something wittier than that to say. But the time changed last night. Honesty is the best I've got right now.)

  3. Janice, thank you. It must be the heat. The brain boils under the overhead sun.

    Anon, that's beautiful to my ear and can't be improved upon. I needed that. Thank you.

  4. Isn’t Crist a former Republican now running as a Democrat? The job of governor in Florida must be pretty sweet. Or so bad nobody, except professional politicians, wants the job.

    I’m thankful those folks in Florida don’t want to annex Tennessee (course they might do it later when they establish the CSR (Confederate States of Reagan). But, they would have a real problem on their hands. East Tennessee would remain in the USA; Nashville, where our legislature is located, would debate the issue for as long as it takes; and Memphis would join the CSR.

  5. Good memory, Louis. Leading up to the Rick Scott election debacle, Charlie Crist was indeed the Republican incumbent but considered too moderate by Florida’s Tea Party. During that primary, the GOP backed Bill McCollum while Rick Scott, with his ill-gotten millions and Tea Party support, opposed McCollum. Charlie Crist, abandoned by the party structure, ran as a moderately conservative independent. Some time later, he accepted an invitation to join the Democratic Party, bringing the head count of that caucus to about four.

  6. Ah, Florida - I love the smell of insanity in the morning...

  7. I'll swear FL is trying to top TX as the weirdest state. I think I'm going to hide in Bed under the covers until this election is over.

  8. Ah, ABA, you summed it up. The scent of orange blossoms, magnolia trees, and insanity. Some one recently described Florida as the lower intestines of the USA. I'll refrain from making sphincter jokes.

    Jan, I've thought the same thing, TX, AZ, and FL. What did we do to deserve this?

  9. Don't forget SC... :-)

  10. No, we can't forget SC, especially if Florida secedes from the Union with it! And I like South Carolina. But when it comes to insanity, Anon, flee! Flee! Save yourself!

  11. I swear, man, AZ wasn't that weird until they had that last big earthquake in CA, after which a lot of those folks swarmed into town. LOL

    So, if they split Florida into two states, what would the proposed names be?

    Ponce and DeLeon ??
    Florida and Floridee ??
    East Florida and West Florida ??
    or perhaps: Florida and New Free Cuba ?

  12. You forgot to mention family values Pam "Pambo" Bondi is a multiple adulteress, twice divorced, and presently living in sin with a man.


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