09 March 2014

Book Posters

by Leigh Lundin

Once again, today’s article was suggested by a note from a reader: What if book blurbs read like movie posters?

The idea grew out of a web page which poses such teasers as: “This Guy Didn’t Tell His New Governess About His Secret Wife In The Attic. What Happened Next Really Burned Him Up,” and “A Guy With Two First Names Proves ‘Nymphet’ Is The Grossest Word In English.” (Don't want to guess? Here's the full list.)

Since my colleagues are all Very Serious Writers who’d never stoop to such shenanigans, I began to ponder. Yes, I think I can really help the publishing industry.

Alice would eat and drink anything, especially anything psychedelic. It would become her undoing. Alice
Cinderella She took her secret shoe fetish a step too far.
A boy with a shadowy past, no future, and a mean right Hook, meets Wendy, the girl of his dreams. Peter Pan
Star Wars You’ve devoted your entire life to consolidating your rule over the universe, only to be thwarted by your own son. Kids!
A teenage angst-ridden rebel-with-a-cause finds his dad is a real pain in the a––… Arm? Star Wars
Harry Potter A British Lord one step from conquering the world has to handle one small boy with an unusual birthmark. How hard could it be?
Political advisors both heartless and brainless guide one girl onto a bloody path of destruction. Wizard of Oz
Snow White Seven men couldn’t satisfy one white girl’s unnatural cravings; it would take an eighth.

What would your ads look like?


Terence Faherty said...

They were all funny, Leigh, but I especially liked the Wizard of Oz example. It fit the cover perfectly.

janice Law said...

You've changed forever my view of Cinderella

Elizabeth Zelvin said...

LOL, Leigh, though I don't think there was any blood involved in The Wizard of Oz. My own work? Already done it: my tag line for Death Will Get You Sober was "Don't drink, go to meetings, and investigate a murder."

A Broad Abroad said...

Great fun! Thank you, Mr Lundin.
My attempt:
A young lad’s mind is altered by genetically modified fruit. He ends up stoned and life looks peachy.

Fran Rizer said...

Leigh, did you make these up or did the reader send them to you? Either way, I laughed--especially at Snow White.

Leigh Lundin said...

Fran, I made them up, but the original idea came from the links at the beginning of the article. I'm glad you liked Snow White; I save my best for last.

ABA, you clever girl, that's excellent!

Liz, that's well done. The novel where Bruce and gang visit the camp, I wonder if 'last resort' could be worked in?

Janice, I'm so glad I could help!

Terry, I felt fortunate to stumble upon that cover. It does fit, didn't it?

R.T. Lawton said...

Leigh, very clever. Thanks for my laugh of the morning.

A Broad Abroad said...

[Without hijacking today’s post, a belated comment, if I may, re: Dixon’s article on the misuse of ID documents.

Onboard the missing Malaysia Airlines plane were two passengers fraudulently using genuine yet re-purposed passports.

With consecutively numbered tickets, purchased at the same place and time, both with the same onward destination (Amsterdam), it appears the mystery passengers knew one another.

Begs the question: are they responsible for the missing plane or were they fortunately / unfortunately terminated en route to committing some other diabolical act?

Not to make light of the tragedy, but Mr Patterson probably has his minions working on an answer.]

Anonymous said...

Charlotte's Web and Wilbur popped immediately to mind but I can't seem to think up anything clever. You can't ask for a better straight man (woman) opening than this!

Leigh Lundin said...

Eight alluring eyes and eight shapely legs draw him into a web of terror. She’s his best friend until death!

How's that, anon? I had to ponder that one.

ABA, no problem, especially after your clever peachy entry.

John Floyd said...

How about this, Leigh?

Seven mysterious and wacko authors embark on a daring mission, and after its completion the survivors recruit a dozen more for yet another sleuthful venture.

Obviously fiction, right?

Peter DiChellis said...

Fun post! How might these work for Shakespeare?

Romeo and Juliet - Two rebellious teens test the limits.

Hamlet - A dysfunctional family is haunted by lust, madness, and murder.

Richard III - Man or monster? You decide!

Macbeth - An ambitious couple spice up their marriage with a mass murder rampage.

Leigh Lundin said...

Ah, John! Very sly! And who would believe it?

Peter! It's been too long! Those are an excellent witches' brew of blurbs. Hmm… What could you do with Midsummer's Night Dream? And I bet you could wreak havoc with Canterbury Tales.

Dixon Hill said...

Great article, Leigh!

I'm finally back. Have a new computer and have hacked far enough through the jungle of Windows 8 to finally post a comment. Whew! Good to be back.

Interesting about the fraudulent passports, too.


Jeff Baker said...

"Don't drink the water---or anything else!" Arsenic And Old Lace.