13 September 2012

From the Bristol Blotter


by Eve Fisher

I get to spend the weekend at the pen - I know, I need to start behaving better - so I am busy getting ready for that.  So, to prove that there are just as many crazies outside as in, (as well as to give myself a little breathing room) I submit the following.  These are all from a friend of mine in Tennessee, who provides me with "The Bristol Blotter" - available on-line and on Facebook.  All true, sadly, hilariously true:

From the "it's so hard to get off their radar" list:
* Someone called from to report “a suspicious black sports car that followed him home from Walmart [and] keeps riding by his residence.”

You have something that I want:
* A guy reported that his “baby’s momma locked him out and took the tags off his car.”

* "his girlfriend threw him out and he needs to get in and get his clothes because he has an interview tomorrow."

One man's exam is another man's...
* A man told police that another guy assaulted him “while attempting to give him medical treatment.”

Buyer's remorse takes various forms:
* Police went to a car lot where an “irate customer,” upset over his recently purchased car, threatened to run over the sales manager. Store employees said the angry customer “circled the parking lot, stopping in front of the sales manager, began revving up the engine causing excessive smoke, and lurched forward stopping short of striking the sales manager.” The manager in question was afraid that the unsatisfied customer would return “because of his explosive demeanor.”

With friends like these:
* A man reported that his “friend” of four years pulled into a nearby alley, got halfway out of the car wielding a knife and said, “I got something for you.” The man, who knew only his friend’s first name, responded: “If you want to fight, come on” and started toward his antagonist. The friend then scurried into his Oldsmobile and left.

From the "if it were only that easy department":
* When a man had his sister’s cell phone turned off “due to payment issues,” the sister got mad and threatened to vandalize his car. The sister, in turn, told officers that the brother “had been leaving threatening letters on the windshield of her vehicle.” Police told them to stop leaving one another messages.

Also known as, "You called us for WHAT?":
* Some kids were “playing baseball in the road.”

* Someone came in to report they’d lost their license plate, but weren’t sure where or when.

* "she advised she'd been drinking all day..."

* A man "found a bird in his yard and it can't fly ... wants to speak to an officer."

* A woman told police she was taking some medicine that she's been taking daily for about a month but she doesn't know why she's taking it.

And my favorite:
*Someone called to report a suspicious squirrel... 
 
Good luck with that one, officer! 

4 comments:

Leigh Lundin said...

You never know which crazy call will turn out to be an unmitigated disaster.

Elizabeth Zelvin said...

It's nice to have someone to call when there's a bird in your yard that can't fly, though I agree the police could make better use of their time. Larry Penny, for many years the Director of Natural Resources for the Town of East Hampton (the eastern end of Long Island), used to be really good about people calling him at home at all hours to ask what to do about "the bird" and similar matters. His advice was good common sense, too. Once when a tufted titmouse had knocked itself out against our glass sliding doors, he advised letting it lie quietly on the deck--it would probably come to eventually and fly away on its own. And so it did.

Eve Fisher said...

I always welcome suspicious squirrels...

David Edgerley Gates said...

I get more ideas from the local police blotter than anywhere else. There's even a blog that lists weird stuff. I find it, I'll post it.