Showing posts with label Lopresti. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lopresti. Show all posts

24 November 2025

Todd Snider


 Todd Snider, brilliant songwriter, died two weeks ago.  His last few weeks were bizarre enough to belong in one of his songs.

After years off the road because of debilitating pain issues he finished a new album and began a new tour. In Salt Lake City on Halloween night he reported being attacked at the venue where he was to be performing. Police found no evidence of such an attack and suggested alcohol or drugs might have been involved.  Two days later he went to the hospital in pain and, as I understand it, they thought he didn't need further treatment.  This led to an argument and he got arrested.

On November 14, back home in Nashville, he died of walking pneumonia.

Here are a few of his songs related to our field.

19 November 2025

Farewell to San Sebastiano


 I learned recently that James Powell died last year. He was one of those friends I knew for years through the grace of the Internet, but  never met.  He was also one of the most brilliant writers of comic short mysteries. 

I once wrote that the average (hah!) Powell story "contains a fully realized plot stuffed with wild free associations wrapped around a bizarre central idea that, if it had occurred to most writers, would cause them to swear off late-night enchiladas."

For example, he wrote three stories about Inspector Bozo, a cop in Clowntown. In one of these tales we meet a mute ventriloquist ("he threw his voice and it never came back") who partners with a mind-reading dummy (who knows what jokes he wants to tell). The victim died of "a heart attack with severe side splits" from laughing too much. And so on. 

 His first story, which you can read here, "The Friends of Hector Jouvet," is set in a tiny Riviera country centered on a casino.  You are thinking of Monaco, but Powell writes about San Sebastiano.

Inventing San Sebastiano freed me from the tyranny of facts. If you go into a large public library you will see a pale crowd of men and women researching books or articles they plan to publish or preparing for courses they intend to teach. And these are all noble things. But there are other researchers there, an even paler crew who accumulate knowledge so they can write letters to the editors of mystery magazines peppered with words like ‘egregious’ and ‘invincibly ignorant.’ ‘Dear Editor,’ they write, ‘in your issue of November last, I was astonished to find a character in a James Powell story releasing the safety catch of an 1864 sleeve Derringer, model 302, a.k.a. “the Elbow Smasher.” I think not. That particular model Derringer did not come with a safety catch until January of 1865.'”

A Pocketful of Noses is a collection of short stories set in San Sebastiano, focusing on four generations of detectives, all named Ambrose Ganelon.  (In order they are: a deductive detective, a scientific dick, a hardboiled P.I., and a down-on-his-luck detective because his ancestors chased all the criminals away.)

Let's explore the residents of this principality a little, shall we?

    * One store in San Sebastiano can be recognized by “the blank sign and the bare window, the place of business of the maker of the finest invisible ink ever concocted.”

    * In the Armenian quarter you will find “rug merchants like the notorious Leon Barbarian who sat in front of his shop until all hours, begging each passer-by to come in and rob him blind because his wife needed a brain operation. This remark never failed to infuriate Mrs. Barbarian who would burst out of the shop, wild-eyed and incoherent with rage. Barbarian would give a sad little shrug, his point made.”
 

* During a brief military dictatorship the principality’s citizens were encouraged to revolt by a mime who “leaped up onto a vendor’s barrow and mimed a message, urging everyone to march against the stiff wind of tyranny, shatter the shrinking glass box of oppression, and pull together on the rope of common purpose."

Powell was a native of Canada, by the way, which he describes as “a land doomed many times over because it had been built on a vast snowman graveyard.” One of his most popular characters is Acting Sergeant Maynard Bullock, who may not be the brightest member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, but is certainly among the most imaginative. He blunders into conspiracies involving defective beaver hats, migrating Bigfeet (Bigfoots?), and the “blue bread of happiness.” Like his author, the character is one of a kind.

Those stories feature  a Mountie named “Gimpy” Flanagan who had “sworn never to pull his revolver without drawing blood, an oath that cost him several toes.”  Powell also informs us that Scandanavians tend to underestimate Canadians, seeing them as “a frivolous southern people much like the Italians…”  And the Canadians have sworn to defend the U.S. from an overland attack by Russia, because they know “that if Mexico ever tried to invade Canada by land, the United States would do the same.” 

My absolute favorite Powell concoction was “The Plot Against Santa Claus,” one of his many yuletide tales.  It is told from the view point of the North Pole’s chief security elf. 

Another of his many holiday tales, “The Tamerlane Crutch,” has one of my favorite opening paragraphs of all time:


Marley was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatever about that. Old Marley was as dead as a doornail. And when a man’s partner is killed, he’s supposed to do something about it.

The first time one of my stories appeared on the cover of Alfred iItchcock's Mystery Magazine they were kind enough to commission an illustration for it (as opposed to buying existing art).  Jim immediately noticed a discrepancy between the text and the picture and wrote to me to say:  "Your hero is so tough he eats his scrambled eggs sunny-side up." Which doesn't make much sense but sure made me laugh. That was often the case with his tales, as well.

A few more Powell-isms and I will let you go:

“To really succeed neatness-wise you need a messy best friend.”

"Time isn't a clockwork thing." 

The great circuses of Europe were destroyed by World War I which "drafted bareback riders into the cavalry, sent their dapple grays to drag artillery pieces through the mud, and marched the clowns off into the various general staffs.

"In the end all our stories must be too short."  

Amen to that.

 


05 November 2025

Another Friday Afternoon



Today was beautiful so I went for a bike ride (to be honest I do that every day unless it is seriously nasty).  I was in one of my city's oldest neighborhoods, with most of the houses built a century ago.

I saw two people walking toward me in the middle of the street.  This wasn't a dangerous place to do that; it was a quiet residential area.  

It was a man and a woman, both in their thirties, approximately the same in height and weight. The man had a small dog on a leash.

The woman was screaming -- no, shrieking -- at the top of her lungs.

"Get in the freaking car!  I'm not kidding! Get in the freaking car!"

Except she didn't say freaking, of course.

The man said "I'm not going anywhere with you!"

This discussion continued as a I rode past. I stopped a block away and tried to decide whether this merited a 9-1-1 call. I hadn't seen any physical contact, or heard any true threats.

While I considered an auto drove past me and I realized it was the couple in question.  The man had entered the freaking car.  I knew it was them because the woman was still shrieking, although I couldn't hear what she was saying.


Okay, the man had made his decision.  I rode on. 

A block later I had another thought: What if the genders had been reversed?

People of similar  age, height, and weight, but it was a man demanding that a woman get into a car.  What would I have done then?

I had no doubt: I would have called 9-1-1 and then gone over and asked the woman if she was okay.

Why in that order? Because I haven't been in a fist fight in sixty years, and I lost the last one.  Police backup would have been very useful.

Would I really have done that?  I think so but it is very easy to be brave when the threat is gone.

Will this find its way into my fiction someday?  Probably.

Anyway, that was my afternoon.  How was yours? 

Oh, and you might want to watch this video.  What they show is real, and it has worked.   


 

29 October 2025

Six of a Kind


I had an unusual month recently, an experience I can only describe as almost John-Floydian.  It started on a Monday when an anthology was published with one of my stories in it.  That was actually expected.  But I was surprised on Tuesday when a second anthology appeared with one of my tales.  And then I was flabbergasted when it happened again on Wednesday.

A week later at Bouchercon I was delighted to sign copies of the conference anthology with yet another of my stories in it.  Since then, two more have appeared in magazines.


I assure you, this is not my usual publication record.  But let's take a guided tour of these six literary masterpieces.

"The Cage," in Better Off Dead Vol. 1: Crime Fiction Inspired by the Songs of Elton John and Bernie Taupin, edited by D. M Barr.  I actually wrote about this  at SleuthSayers in August.  It's a story about a high school student having a bad day, following him class by class.  IMPORTANT: This book is published by Down and Out Books, which is going out of business, so if you want a copy grab it fast! 

"Lucky Night" in The Most Dangerous Games, edited by Deborah Lacy.  The shortest of six stories.  A successful businessman goes back to his hometown and attends a poker game.  Crime deals itself in... 

"The Little Death," in Celluloid Crimes, edited by Deborah Well.  A few years ago I wrote a story for Monkey Business, Josh Pachter's anthology of stories inspired by the Marx Brothers, and my protagonist was Madame Matilda, a dwarf working in a circus in the 1940s.  By the end of the story she had solved a murder and been hired by a detective agency.  "The Little Death," in which she provides security for the prizes in an art contest, is actually her third adventure.  Numbers two and four have been purchased for anthologies but have not yet been published.  I am currently polishing up on #5.

"The Unreliable Narrator," in Blood on the Bayou: Case Closed, edited by Don Bruns.  This story  is about an actor who makes his living performing audiobooks.  He's very good at his job -- except you can't count on him to show up on time and sober.  He is, you see, an Unreliable Narrator.  I was very smug when I dreamed that up.  All the stories in the book had to be set in the Big Easy so I owe a debt to O'Neil DeNoux who helped me NOLA-fy my tale.

Shanks and the High Bidder," in Black Cat Weekly, #212.  My 24th story about Leopold Longshanks, grouchy writer of crime fiction and reluctant solver of true crime.  In this one he deals with the winner of a charity auction who is reluctant to come up with the cash.  This is my second story inspired by Not Always Right, a webpage where anonymous contributors send in true tales of horrible customers. It is a huge time sink but it does provide wild story prompts.

"The Night Beckham Burned Down," in Black Cat Mystery Magazine, #16. This one was fun to write.  It was inspired by a catastrophic fire in Oregon in 1936.  Most of the bizarre events I describe really happen.  I  just had to make one of the fire victims a murder victim.  I wrote about it  at SleuthSayers last year.

But wait! There's more!  After I wrote this I learned that a seventh story was coming out in October.

"Give the Gift of Murder," in Black Cat Weekly, #216. I worked for 31 years in a university library and for some of them a campus fundraiser had the office next door.  Her job consisted of talking people into donating moolah to the university, preferably in large amounts.  It occurred to me that someone giving away money that greedy relatives might want for themselves was an obvious premise for a crime novel.  I even had the opening ready.  But my novels have not been hugely successful so I set the idea aside.  But one day I remembered my New Choice! technique and had a new thought: What if I made it much shorter?  A novella?  And immediately the pieces fell into place.  As it turned out the story is only about half as long as a novella, but I like it.  Oh, here's that opening I dreamed up:

When she found the corpse of Howard Secton III ruining the expensive Persian rug in his study, Maggie Prince's first thought was Did he sign the papers?  Her second thought was: I hate my job.

Personally, I love mine. Hoping you the same.

01 October 2025

Crime Krewe


 

Swag.  I paid for one of these books.

When Donald E. Westlake accepted the MWA Grand Master Award at an Edgars ceremony he said "You're my tribe!" That's how I felt at Bouchercon last month, but since it was in New Orleans let's call it my krewe.  Some random highlights.



Sociological 
 Observation.  We attended the World Science Fiction Conference last month and my wife, the SF fan, noted that the mystery crowd is friendlier.  She was right.  For example, standing in line you were much more likely to get into conversation with the strangers around you at Bcon than at Worldcon.


My Busy Weekend.
 I was only scheduled to be on one panel (on short stories. Surprise!) but I said I would be happy to take on more so, sure enough, I was asked to moderate another panel (on short stories, who would have guessed?), and then invited to be on a third panel, this one on turning ideas into stories.  Happy to do so.  I feel like one reason I was in demand was that so many people seemed to be dropping out at the last minute.  I personally know five people who cancelled due to health or other reasons.

My Librarian Hat.  But I had another job to do.  There was a big event in support of libraries and against book-banning and the like.  I was one of three librarians invited to speak.  The whole shebang deserves its own report so you can read about it here if you wish, including (lucky you) my speech. 

I Love a Parade. The opening ceremonies were held at the World War II Museum.  To get there something like a thousand conference-goers proceeded in a second line, marching behind a brass band, with the guests of honor in pedi-cabs.  It was great fun but the drivers on the side streets must have hated us.  Bonus: I walked much of the distance with Linda Landrigan, editor of Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine.

Photo by Tracee L. Evans
Most Surreal Moment.  At the opening ceremonies I had the honor of handing out the Derringer Awards.  I was on the stage looking down at the front row where the guests of honor were seated and I spotted Craig Johnson, author of the Longmire novels.  Then I saw, sitting next to him, A. Martinez, a fine actor I recognized from L.A. Law and Longmire.  I was looking at him and he was looking at me.  I don't think I lost my place.

Sign In, Please. The first time I had a story in a Bouchercon anthology, back in Raleigh, there was a book signing event with all the authors neatly arranged by the order their stories appeared in the book so purchasers could just move down the row to have their volumes signed.  The same thing was supposed to happen here except anarchy prevailed.  Purchasers noticed authors down the line with no books to sign yet and jumped in.  Some started at the end of the book, so to speak, and others started in the middle.  I'm sure some of them wound up missing authors but I just scribbled on whatever was put in front of me. (Oh. see the photo of me signing. Can you guess the title of my story?)

photo by Diana Catt

Disappointment.
 I attended the Anthony Awards, ready to speak on behalf of editors Michael Bracken and Barb Goffman if Murder Neat: A SleuthSayers Anthology took home the prize but, alas, it was not to be. Had a good time though.

Second Sociological Observation. It must relate to some mathematical law.  There were several writer friends -- Josh Pachter, Alan Orloff, Stacy Woodson, Bonnar Spring, Andrew Welsh-Huggins, to name a few -- who I was happy to run into again and again during the weekend.  On the other hand when I got home and checked Facebook I saw reports from other friends who I had never spotted even once.  Random results...

Ah well.  Next year in Calgary.  Does that make the krewe a posse?


17 September 2025

Prime Prattle in Seattle



First of all, happy fourteenth birthday to SleuthSayers! I don't think we look a day over twelve.

Last time I talked about attending the World Science Fiction Conference in Seattle in August.  Here are my favorite quotations from that event.  As usual they are guaranteed one hundred percent context-free!

"I think genre is basically an outmoded method of organizing record stores." -Mollylele

"Since movement is the best medicine I recommend street fights." - M.T. Zimny


"The best time to publish your book is next year." - Andy Peloquin

"The disabled don't have traditions in the traditional sense." -Annie Carl 

"In my experience Facebook ads are a great way to spend money." - Claire E. Jones

"Nobody owns culture but it is a sacred spiritual thing that people are assigned responsibility for." - Gregg Castro

"That's how we define what a species is: how they sound when you step on them." - H.E. Milla

"I think alternative history is an amazing tool that should be used in schools to teach history." - Yasser Bahjatt

"We're all descended from the original Adam and Eve who were sperm whales. Count the ribs. It's true!" - M.T. Zimny

"Your characters can't know things that didn't happen." - Nick Fraser

"Disabled archaeologists and anthropologists are looking for things that able ones aren't." - K. Tempest Bradford

"You can't judge a book by its cover but you can sure as hell sell a lot of copies." - Tod McCoy

"Would you like to have a dystopia? If so, you want to have a corporation that owns the seeds." - Jennifer Rhorer

"I am an apocoptimistic writer." -Robert L. Slater

"It's almost like there are microclimates of politics in the Northwest." - Peter Crozier

"I am always telling authors 'Your story starts in Chapter Four.'" - Atlin Merrick

"I don't always recommend gatekeeping, unless you're a woman and you want to gatekeep." - Sadie Hartmann

"We could add a new letter to LGBTQ. V for villainsexual." - Evan J. Peterson

"I'm not a scientist. It doesn't have to make sense for me." - Jennifer Rhorer

"Make sure you understand that the book you wrote is not the book you planned to write." - Andy Peloquin

"Hand-waving is the best solution we have to this problem." - Sue Burke

"In Indian country we call fry bread Indian crap." - Gregg Castro

"Be professional before you're professional." -Atlin Merrick

"I think of a song as a thesis and every part of it proves something." - Alison Belle Bews

"I am the dumbest person up here, but I have the strongest mic." - M.T. Zimny

"Reach out to someone and say 'I don't know shit' and they'll say 'No shit you don't know shit.'" - Bryce O'Connor


03 September 2025

Star-gazing in Seattle


 

In August my family went to Seattle for the World Science Fiction Conference. Worldcon is a huge annual event (more than 6,000 full members, plus hundreds more who dropped in for at least one of the five days).


A few of the panels I attended: *Why Anthologies?, *No Wrong Way to Write Folk Songs, *Bring on the Bad Guys,  *Alternative Histories from Outside the West, *Cascadia's Many Climates, *Growing Food and Eating in Space, *The Sounds of the Sound,  *An Hour of the Strange, Unusual, Creepy, and  *Home Recording for Non-Techies. 

A lot more than rehash discussions of Star Trek, huh?

I spent a few hours on the Information Desk answering questions for attendees (often the answer was "I don't know." Communication in an ever-changing environment of 6,000+ people is a challenge).  Notice in the picture that some brilliant soul wrote out all the FAQ's, and even put them in alphabetical order.  My people!

One of my favorite totally random moments: I was on an escalator going up while a man going down yelled at his phone: "Stop autocorrecting piroshkies!" Very good food around the Seattle Convention Center, by the way. And speaking of food, Anne Harlan Prather passed on a bit of advice she received for people with a lack of appetite: Eat brightly colored things. They are full of anti-oxidants. 

The Hugo Awards were given out.  They are similar to our Anthonys, voted on by the convention members. I mention this because the winner of Best Novel was The Tainted Cup by Robert Jackson Bennett, which was also a finalist for the Edgar Award for Best Mystery Novel, and how often does that happen?  I read it and it is terrific.  Think Nero Wolfe on a planet where most of the technology is based on vegetation.

Some actual titles panelists mentioned: Lesbians in Space: Where No Man Has Gone Before, 101 Horror Books to Read Before You're Murdered, Thyme Travelers, "Syphillis Sysiphus," My Tropey Life: How Pop Culture Stereotypes Make Disabled Lives Harder, and Unidentified Funny Objects.

A few panels deserve more discussion. One was "Is it Appropriation? Writing the Other."  Moderator  James Mendez Hodes said "A cultural consultant is when you hire someone to tell you you're a racist." Hodes is, of course, a cultural consultant. Panelists talked about outsiders "wearing the culture as a costume."


When asked for an example of cultural appropriation Annie Carl talked about  able-bodied actors playing disabled characters. (She noted that the blind engineer in Star Trek: Strange New Worlds was played by a blind man. I might note that panelists also enthusiastically supported Killers of the flower Moon and Chief of War.) Gregg Castro talked about "Indian shopping," which is when writers looking for a Native American who will approve whatever they hope to write. Panelist K. Tempest Bradford runs an educational website, Writing the Other.  She noted that after a certain Beyonce song came out White friends asked her to explain it. "Am I the Beyonce whisperer?"  Shay Kauwe said, approximately, that writer friends will ask her "Can I do this?" when they should be asking "Should I do this? Why am I doing it?" 


I loved the Editing Pet Peeves panel.   Elektra Hammond won my heart by saying her number one complaint is authors who give characters similar names.  Yes!  Another panelist mentioned an author who sent a book pitch to 100 authors - listing them all in the "To" line.  There was a lengthy passionate discussion of hyphens vs em-dashes and en-dashes.  Heather Tracy: "When in doubt ask your copy editor. They will be happy to talk to you for an hour about em-dashes." Editor Atlin Merrick: "I have had new writers treat me like a servant." Also Merrick: "Read the guidelines and you're in the top 30%. Be easy to work with and you're in the top 10%. Send me humor you're in 5%."

The panel on anthologies was particularly interesting. One panelist called them "curated collections." Publisher William C. Tracy pointed out that they are more expensive, since so many writers need to be paid. A lot of them in the science fiction field are funded by kickstarters, with an average of $7500 being raised.  

Oh, and as for payment, here's a shocker.  Reckoning Magazine pays 15 cents per word, Clarkesworld almost as much. 

Come back in two weeks for my favorite quotations from the con.  Until then, keep watching the skies!


28 August 2025

A Night Court


Bowery, NYC, 1910

 I recently remembered this piece which I put up at Criminal Brief in 2009 and thought it was worth repeating.  

Frederic DeWitt Wells was a magistrate in New York City. In 1917 he published a book called A Man in COurt, trying to explain the legal system to the layman.  Remember that people in those days didn't get weekly doses of legal dramas on TV.  MOst of the book is didactic and not very interesting today, but the first chapter, describing a session of Night Court still has the power to fascinate.

Before we get to that, a couple more things about Wells.  In 1913 he wrote a letter to the New York Times about a woman  who had stored  all her family’s belongings in a storage warehouse. She wound up in the hospital for the insane. Her daughter Mary Shriver, paid fifty cents a month for the next two years to keep up the fee on the storage. As the Times reported: “All of her worldly possessions were in the trunks, but because of the fact that they were stored in her mother’s name and because of the latter’s mental condition, there was no way in which to obtain their release. She sought relief in the courts, with the result that, through the law’s delays, she lost her employment and her condition has been rendered even more precarious.”  Because of Wells' letter an anonymous person donated the $200 needed to get Schriver's property out of storage.

Two months after the stock market crash in 1929 Justice Frederic DeWitt Wells was hit by a car in Manhattan and died at age 56. 

 

A NIGHT COURT

1

In the Night Court the drama is vital and throbbing. As the saddest object to contemplate is a play where the essentials are wrong, so in this court the fundamentals of the law are the cause of making it an uncomfortable and pathetic spectacle.

The women who are brought before the Night Court are not heroines, but the criminal law does not seem better than they. It makes little attempt to mitigate any of the wretchedness that it judges; in many cases it moves only to inflict an additional burden of suffering. The result is tragedy.

The magistrate sits high, between standards of brass lamps. His black gown, the metal buttons and gleaming shields of the waiting police officers, the busy court officials behind the long desks on either hand tell of the majesty of the law.

In front of the desk but at a lower level is a space of ten or twelve feet running across the court-room in which are patrolmen, plain-clothes men, detectives, women prisoners, probation officers, reporters, witnesses, investigators, and lawyers. Beyond in the court-room a large crowd is on the benches. There are witnesses, brothers and sisters, friends of the prisoners waiting to see whether they go out through the street entrance or back through the strong barred gate seen through the door on the left. Also there are the “sharks” waiting to follow out the released prisoners, to prey upon them as the circumstances may favor; and a number of curiosity seekers watching intently. For them it can be nothing but a morbid dumb show, for they are so far from the bench that not a word of the proceedings could be heard. Only once in a while the shrieks and imprecations of a struggling hysterical woman as she is hurried out of court can enliven the scene.

Fortified with a letter of introduction to the judge and a disposition that will not be too easily shocked at seeing conditions of life as they actually exist, the spectator may find his way past the policeman at the gate in the rail. It clicks behind him ominously and he wonders whether he will have difficulty in getting out. Finally through clerks and officials who become more kindly as they learn he is a friend of the judge, he is seated in a chair drawn up beside the bench. The magistrate is a hearty round-faced man who seems almost human in spite of his gown and the dignity of his surroundings. The court looks different from this point of view and he may easily watch the judicial enforcement of the law supreme.

The organization of these courts is simple. There are not many rules or technicalities. The judges are patient, hard working, understanding, and efficient. The trouble is with the laws they are called upon to administer: Laws which are as absurd, as farcical, and as impracticable as the plot of the lightest musical comedy.

At first the visitor can hardly understand what is going on. A pale-faced man is in the witness chair, on his left a bedraggled little woman is standing before and below the judge, her eyes just level with the top of the desk. Clerks are coming with papers to be signed: “commitments,” “adjournments,” “bail bonds”; others are trying to engage his attention. In the meanwhile the case proceeds.

“I inform you,” says the judge to the woman, “of your legal rights, you may retain counsel if you desire to do so and your case will be adjourned so that you may advise with him and secure witnesses, or you may now proceed to trial. Which will you do?”

She murmurs something. She is pale-faced with sullen eyes, drooping mouth, an over-hanging lip. A sad red feather droops in her hat.

“Proceed,” says the judge; and to the policeman who is called as a witness, “You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth mm-mm-mm–you are a plain-clothes man attached to the 16th Precinct detailed by the central office, what about this woman?”

“At the corner of Fifteenth Street and Irving Place,” says the witness, “between the hours of 10:05 and 10:15 this evening I watched this woman stop and speak to three different men. I know her, she has been here before your Honor.”

“What do you say?” the judge asks the woman. She is silent.

“What do you work at?”

“Housework, your Honor.”

“Always housework; it is surprising how many houseworkers come before me.” She smiles a sickly smile.

“Take her record. Next case,” says the judge. Outside it is a cold sleeting night in early March.

“Witnesses in case of Nellie Farrel,” calls the clerk.

Nellie Farrel stands before the desk beside a policeman; she is tall with fair waving hair. She must have been pretty once; even now there is a delicate line of throat and chin. But her eyes are hard and on her cheeks there are traces of paint that has been hastily rubbed off. She looks thirty; she is probably not more than twenty.

A callow youth, who seems preternaturally keen, swears that on Thirteenth Street between Fifth Avenue and University Place the woman stopped and spoke to him; and he tells his story as though it were learned by rote.

“Do you know the officer who made the arrest?” the judge asks him.

“I do.” A suspicion arises that there may be an interest between the witness and the policeman.

A dark-haired, smooth-faced woman who is standing by the prisoner says: “Your Honor, she’s my sister. I’m a respectable woman, my husband is a driver. I have three children. It’s disgrace enough to have the likes of her in the family. If you’ll give her another chance I’ll take her home with me; my husband is here and he’s willing.” The accused looks down piteously.

“Discharged on probation,” says the judge, and the family go out.

“That’s the third time that’s happened to her,” whispers a clerk. “Every time the sister comes up like a good one.”

A horrible old woman with straggling gray hair, shrivelled neck, and claw-like hands grasps a black shawl about her flat chest. “Mary,” says the judge, “thirty days on the island for you.”

“Oh, your Honor, your Honor, not the workhouse. Oh, God, not the workhouse,” and she is borne out screaming and fighting and invoking Christ to her aid. The judge turns and says in explanation, “an old case, an example of what they all may come to.”

A dark-haired little French woman is brought in with crimson lips, bold black eyes, and expressive hands. A detective testifies that he went with her into a tenement house on Seventeenth Street west of Sixth Avenue. Charge: Violation of the Tenement House Law.

“Qu’importe,” says the woman. “I go in ze street. I am arrested. I stay in ze house. I am arrested. I take ze room. I am arrested. Chantage—Blackmail. C’est pour rire.”

Who are these women who are brought in a crowd together? One of them older than the rest is a foreigner plainly dressed in black silk with a gold chain. She does not seem particularly evil, but rather respectable. The others are in long cloaks or waterproofs hastily donned and through which are glimpses of pink stockings. They have hair of that disagreeable butter color which speaks of peroxide. There has been a raid on a west-side street of a house of ill repute. Some testimony is given and the older woman, the “Madam” is held in bail for the action of the Grand Jury while the rest are held for further evidence. The judge tells us there will probably not be enough testimony and they will be released in the morning. But unless bail is found they will spend the night in cells.

A nervous, excited woman comes in—two policemen are with her. She has been arrested for disorderly conduct on Sixth Avenue near Thirty-first Street. She has been fighting with a man who has also been arrested and taken to the men’s Night Court. Hers is a hard, tough face of the lowest type.

“Why should you try to scratch the man’s face? What did he do?” the judge asks. “Is he your husband?”

“My husband, your Honor? Yes, I guess you can call Al that. We lives up town and when I went out he says to me, ‘Hustle, kid, you got to hustle, the rent’s due and if you don’t get the money I’ll break your neck.’ The slob won’t work. Well, a night like this you couldn’t make a cent and I only had half a dollar and I wanted to get a bite to eat. I hadn’t had a thing since four o’clock, and then I met Al going down Sixt’ Avenue an’ he tries to swipe me fifty cents off me and I was that wild I wanted to tear him. I’m sorry; I guess it was my fault. I don’t want to see him jugged, so please let me off, your Honor, and I won’t make no trouble.”

“Take her record,” said the judge, “and hold her as a witness against the man.”

A string of women are brought in for sentence who have been having finger prints taken in the adjoining room. The judge proceeds to impose sentences according to the previous records which are shown. Some of the women are those who have passed in front before. The little bedraggled woman with the red feather has been arrested seven times in sixteen months. Another has spent eight weeks in the workhouse out of a period of seven months; another has been sent already to the Bedford Reformatory; another has been twice to houses of reform. Before the judge gives his sentence he refers the prisoners to the probation officer, who talks with them in a motherly way.

After talking with the little prisoner she addresses the judge. “She says its no use, your Honor, she does not want to reform—it will not be worth while to put her on probation.”

“Committed to the Mary Magdalene Home,” says the judge, and the name brings a startling surmise as to what He of Galilee would have said.

The foregoing is only a typical session of the court. Night after night, from eight o’clock until one in the morning, the scene is repeated. The moral effect and its reaction upon those who conduct the proceedings—the judges, officers, and the police, cannot but be deplorable; the evil done to those forcibly brought there could not be over-estimated.

Substantially the law is that the women may not loiter in the streets nor solicit in the streets, or in any building open to the public. They may live neither in a tenement house nor in a disreputable house. The law makes it a crime for the women to walk abroad or stay at home. Their existence is not a crime, but only in an indirect way the law makes them outlaws. Anyone wishing to prosecute or persecute finds it easy to do so. The worst enemies of these unhappy women are to be found, curiously enough, among both the best and the most evil people in the community. The unspeakably depraved are the men who, either as procurers, blackmailers, or the miserable men who live on a share of their earnings. The excellent people who oppose any remedial legislation which might relieve the situation, seem equally responsible for the present condition, however well-intentioned they may be.

20 August 2025

Wednesday on the Thursday Schedule


A few years ago I read a short story whose protagonist was a high school student. One of the early scenes took place in class and that got me thinking.

It might be cool to write a story which followed a teenager through his day, with different facts about his life coming out in each class. Since no teacher or other student would see all of these actions, only the reader would come to realize what was going on.

Neat idea, I decided.  But I write crime fiction so I had to figure out what crime would be involved.  The obvious choice, I am sorry to say, is an active shooter situation.  That is, somebody bringing a gun to school. But that was not something I wanted to write about. 

So I found a different solution.  I titled the story "Wednesday on the Thursday Schedule" which, to me, suggested bureaucracy at work, and something being out of whack.  

I sent the story off to the usual markets and, in much longer than it takes to tell you, it was rejected.  Very sad, but I tucked it into my memory files and waited.  

Last year D.M. Barr announced she was looking for stories for an anthology of tales inspired by the songs of Elton John and Bernie Taupin. Hmm...

I realized that with a little revision my story would connect with "The Cage," an obscure song from Elton's first album.  Heck, I already had a mention of wild animals!

So revise I did and Barr bought my story.  "The Cage" appears in Better Off Dead, Volume 1,  which will be published on August 25th..

The moral, I guess, is be patient and the right market may come along.  I hope you like it. If not, don't go breaking my heart. 

06 August 2025

Who Ever Imagined?


 
I don't suppose what follows is much use except as an exploration of how a writer's brain works.  How this writer's brain works, at least.

I have mentioned before that I listen to a lot of podcasts from the BBC.  They occasionally do radio episodes of the TV show Doctor Who.  (If you are not all familiar with the show I have prepared a brief primer in the sidebar.)

Why go audio with a video show?  For one thing audio is a helluvalot cheaper.  (Compare the cost of building an alien courtroom to the cost of having an actor say "Gosh, this seems to be an alien courtroom.") But it also allows actors who have "aged out" of their parts  to return.  Fans can visualize what they looked like many years ago.

Some Doctor Who episodes involve actual events in Earth's history (I don't know how many explanations we have seen there for the destruction of the dinosaurs).  A few years ago there was a nice one about Rosa Parks.  Of course there had to be a science fiction element - in this case a space-bigot who wanted to prevent the Civil Rights movement.  I noticed the show runners were very careful to avoid suggesting the Doctor and companions had influenced Parks' actions (They didn't want anyone saying: "It was actually White British aliens running things all along!")

So, one day I was listening to yet another BBC podcast, this one about history and I thought "Hey, that would make the perfect setting for a Doctor Who episode!"  So I started figuring out the premise.

And then for the next two days as I pedaled around town on my PlotCycle(tm) I figured out how the science fiction element fit in.  Finally I had it perfect!

And then what?

Then nothing.  Because I have never written a radio drama, have no connections with the BBC, and I don't write fan fiction.

All of which I knew when I first had the idea.  But I still had to prove to myself that I could work the whole thing out, because that's how a writer's mind works.  At least this writer's mind.

Now, back to a project I can possibly sell.


30 July 2025

Talking in Italics


 

Roman Centurion

Something is bugging me and I would like your opinion.

I have been listening to an audiobook of a novel by an American author.  It is set in Italy, the characters are Italian, and they speak, you'll never guess, Italian.

Which is fine.  But when there is dialog the actor doing the narration gives the characters Italian accents.

And that's what bugs me. They are speaking in their own language. Why do they have accents?

That would make sense  if there were people speaking two languages.  Think of all those World War II movies where the Americans speak English with good 'ol midwestern, southern, or New York accents, but when we switch to German soldiers talking to each other we know they are speaking in German  because of their Deutschland accents. 

But if all the characters are supposed to be speaking German then, says me, they shouldn't have accents. What do you think?

I mentioned this to someone and she suggested this could be seen as  mocking the (in this case) Italians.  I'm sure that was not the intention of the narrator.

Slightly off topic: as far as I know George Lucas was the first director to decide, in the original Star Wars movie, that American actors would speak with American accents and the Brits would talk British. Heck, they were all in a different galaxy, anyway.  And then Star Trek decided that a Frenchman named Jean-Luc Picard could speak like a Shakespearean actor.  Why not?

And sticking to the United Kingdom for a minute, twenty-five or so years ago there was a Britcom called Coupling. In one episode a character is trying to chat up a beautiful Israeli woman but she only speaks Hebrew.  We see their entire conversation... and then we see the same event from her point of view, so in that version she appears to be the only one speaking English.  The entire thing is hilarious but all I can find to show you is this little clip in which our hero thinks he has learned her name, but actually he suffers an unfortunate misunderstanding.*


Back to our main topic: Should those Italians be speaking with Italian accents?  Whatcha think? 

* If you have access to the Roku channel you can watch Coupling for free. The scene I am describing starts around minute 17 of an episode called "The Girl With Two Breasts."  Hey, they also have one called "The Man With Two Legs."  


16 July 2025

The Pen of the Teller


Because I write reviews a publisher occasionally offers to send me a novel. I usually respond that I only review short stories, not novels, so no thanks. I made an exception recently, because Akashic Press wanted to send me the new crime novel by Penn Jillette.

In case you don't know, the author is the tall loud half of Penn and Teller, certainly one of the best magic acts in history. Teller, the short one, is silent on stage. He is a walking encyclopedia of magic tricks and a master of sleight of hand. Penn, on the other hand, describes himself as carny trash and a juggler. They have been the subject of some controversy, being rejected by the Magic Circle because of their habit of showing how tricks are done. For example:

They have their own theatre in a Las Vegas casino. They also have a delightful TV show called Fool Us in which some of the greatest magicians in the world are invited to try to, uh, fool them. On average, slightly more than 1 in 4 succeed.

I have seen them perform twice in their fifty years together, as recently as last year. (One interesting fact: if you see the same trick twice, once on TV and once live, you may discover that something that seemed random isn't. Hmm...)

Oh, they are also active in the skeptic community, mocking pseudoscience in its many forms. They made this film many years before COVID. I doubt if RFK Jr. would approve.

So I was eager to read Penn's novel (normally I would call an author by his last name, but I can't think of him as Jilette). And it is a treat.

The narrator is Poe Legitte, and he is a tall, loud juggler. Does that sound like someone we know? The first question we face is how much of this book is autobiographical. The answer appears at the end of the novel. (I should say an answer, because Penn, as he cheerfully notes in his act, lies a lot. Talk about an unreliable narrator.)

The first almost-third of the book traces our hero in the seventies from high school on through various adventures. (He wanted to follow the cross-country wanderings of Bob Dylan, not aware that Dylan made them up.) But one day in Philadelphia he gets involved in a crime and that turns his life upside-down. He goes on the lam, trying to create a new life for himself and wondering if he dares to risk exposure by doing the thing he is best at: juggling. You can probably guess that his guilty past catches up with him, although not in the way you might expect.

But this book is not really about plot. It's more a chance to spend some time with a fascinating character who is never at a loss for words: funny, vulgar, fascinating words. Here is Poe talking to a very angry criminal who could have him killed:

"I don't want to be caught. The... do you use the term 'pigs,' or is there some other colorful term you use nowadays for law enforcement? Is it now 'five oh?' Is 'pigs' too old-fashioned collegiate? Is it like I just said, 'You're the bees' knees?'"

I do have a few quarrels with the book. Most important, I don't believe how easily Poe was convinced to participate in the crime. And the distribution of loot makes little sense. But those are small issues that won't stop you from enjoying a roller coaster ride through the mind of Penn Jilette.