19 February 2023

Florida News – Fakes and Frauds Edition

Florida postcard

Whenever I finish one of the Florida news articles, out of sheer exhaustion, I doubt I’ll write another. But when one lives in such a state with a cornucopia of crazies, it’s impossible and ungrateful not to embrace such riches.

As before, items here are ‘news’ only in the sense events have transpired since the previous edition. If nothing else, you must read the last item.

No Dead Lawyer Jokes, Please

Pinellas County, FL.  The attorney who defeated the state’s helmet law dies in a motorcycle crash while, wait for it, not wearing a helmet.

That Father-Daughter Relationship

Nassau County, FL.  Two stand-your-ground road-rage warriors decide to settle matters with a gunfight. Their aim is as poor as their judgment as they accidentally shoot each other’s daughters.

The War Postponed

Putnam County, FL.  Dude wants to ignite a war on Sunday. He’ll have to wait– he got himself arrested.

The War Continued

Polk County, FL.  Good Samaritan rings doorbell to deliver mis-delivered medication … stand-your-ground something …  recipient and son arm themselves, figuring the coming Sunday war has arrived … shoot up innocent woman on her cell phone … Celebrity Sheriff Grady Judd explains it better than I.

Mathematics in Black and White

Leon County, FL.  You may have heard our governor banned more than 4 out of 10 math books (7 of 10 under grade 6) because of BLM and CRT and, um, dark arithmetic stuff. People who actually read all 54 rejected books found only one possible reference to the dark arts and sciences… but one commonality seemed to be black authors. Meanwhile in response to think tank recommendations, the governor said he is considering shutting down all advanced placement programs to prevent indoctrination of our precious students.

FBI Raids Orlando Museum of Art

Orange County, FL.  In a town in a county in a state that confuses family entertainment with the arts (or the lack thereof) and confuses black with binomial, the FBI forged ahead with a raid of Jean-Michel Basquiat paintings (or not) that raises interesting questions.

Yo-Yo Car Dealers

Sumter Co, FL.  Know that feeling when you purchase a bright and shiny automobile and before the new-car smell wears off, the dealer calls you back in, saying you have to negotiate a new deal with worse terms? No? You must not live in Florida.

Thieves Call 911

Polk County, FL.  Genius criminals call 911 for help hauling goods and catching a flight.

Operation Nightingale

Date County, FL.  FBI raids again! This time they’ve taken on a number of nursing schools in South Florida, which have churned out 7600 falsified nursing certificates amid a number of legitimate certificates. (Reports claim three schools are affected, but the real number is five or six schools under three different legal entities.)

Sign of the [Tampa Bay] Times

Hillsborough County, FL    At Brad Raffensperger’s press conferences, I found myself fascinated by one of his sign language interpreters, the bald guy with the white beard. His listen-up, wimps, don’t make me repeat myself, no-nonsense demeanor hammered home the rivets of the Georgia Secretary of State’s message.

Not Florida (Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger press conference)

That’s sign language! Here in Florida, uh, not so much. A television press conference sign language interpreter volunteers for the Sheriff’s department and turns out to be… well, not an interpreter. She is a fake, a marvelous forgery in the flesh. Note: Authorities aren’t certain if she was a former nursing student.


  1. I begin to think Carl Hiaasen is a realist

    1. We're not kidding, Janice. It is a weird state and getting stranger.

  2. Please note that our governor also benefited from AP coures while he was in high school, but I can only assume that was back in thse long-lost days when those courses taught you NOT to think.

    1. Such a wonderful schooling system, Jerry. Of his latest appointment to the Education Board of Trustees, 2/3 were non-residents, but appeared to be appointed for ideology rather than a commitment to schools. We Floridians aren't smart enough to serve on no edjucaton board.

    2. Well, our Governor is known for hiring all her people from either her family or from out of state - apparently the trend in certain gubanatorial circles.

  3. Waiting for Gov. Ron to decry the FBI raid on the nursing schools as an unwarranted intrusion on the right of nurses to keep themselves from full indoctrination in the dark arts and sciences.
    You really can't make this stuff up. Even with AI.

    1. Nurses practicing dark arts… I think you've got something there, Eve.

  4. These are hilarious, Leigh.

    My theory is, the Smokies and the Appalachians are the problem: they caused all the nuts to roll down to Florida.

    1. That would likely answer the conundrum, John. Another possibility is that in the era of Pangea, the part that would become Africa shed itself of Florida, which uncomfortably stuck itself on North America. That's pretty bad when an entire continent disavows you.


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