27 September 2014

You Know You're a Writer When...

Recently, I read something  that got me thinking.  (Okay, have your little laugh.  I can wait.)
The quote was:

“A writer who isn’t writing is a monster.”

At first, I wasn’t sure if that meant a writer who wasn’t writing right now and every minute was a monster.  Or whether it meant a writer who was prevented from writing was a monster.

For the sake of all concerned (at least in this house,) I’m goin’ for the latter.

Which brings me to this little list.  If you are a writer, tick off the ones that apply to you and leave a comment below with the goods.  Or better still, add your own.  If you are not a writer, stand back.

You know you’re an author when:

1.    You’d rather spend time with your characters than your friends.

2.    You’ve been at the computer all day and Pepperidge Farm Goldfish seem like a major food group.

3.    Your spouse yells “Are you all right in there,” and you’re pretty sure you’ve heard that voice before.  Somewhere.

4.    Your idea of a vacation means hours and hours of time to write.  And nobody bugging you to “do something fun.”

5.    You reach for Glenlivit when the internet goes down.

6.    You could be arrested if the Feds look at your search history.

7.    You actually know the difference between less and fewer.  And consider it a hanging offense when people misuse them.

8.    You have been known to ignore phone calls from your mom, kids, husband, boss, and possibly God.

9.    Your idea of supreme hell is being trapped at a cocktail party for three hours with people who aren’t writers.

10.    You have seriously considered murdering people who say, “I have this great idea for a book, and if you’ll write it, I’ll share the profits with you.”   And the ones who say, “I think I’ll write a book someday when I get more time.”  And the ones who say, “Of course, it’s just a mystery/fantasy/romance genre book you’ve written.  When are you going to write something important?

Excuse me now.  I have a lot of people to murder, and I’m behind.

Melodie Campbell murders people regularly in her zany mob crime series, The Goddaughter.  She lurks at www.melodiecampbell.com


  1. Melodie, you nailed it with this one. I identify with each of these, especially numbers 6 and 10.

  2. Laff! Fran, no. 10 got me started (yes, I got all those three at once.) And it all happened at no. 9!

  3. You know you're a writer when you love columns like this one!

  4. I will scale the gates of hell to read you, Melodie! Thelma Straw in Manhattan

  5. Thank you Thelma! I hope that won't be necessary ;)

  6. #6, 7, 9 & 10 - I have even had people say, "now if you use this idea, do I get a royalty?" Pass me a search engine, I have to find something untraceable...

    Great post!

  7. Thanks, Eve - and you've got me smiling...

  8. . . . when your strict attention on your driving is interrupted by your spouse asking you, "Oh, my God, what character are you now, and who are you pantomiming talking to like that?"

    . . . when you find yourself explaining, to the angry driver beside you at the traffic light, that you really weren't shouting at HIM. You were just imagining what your badly wounded protagonist might bellow in that instant before turning the tables on the antagonist. "Sorry, man. I'm just a fiction writer."

  9. Dixon, oh yes! My kids are always say, "Earth to Mom." I have another blog post on that, coming soon...

  10. Oh, that hits close to home! I've actually had people say "What if someone looks at your search history?"

    My addition to your number 10 is the person willing to split the 'profits' who says "I just need you to, you know, get it into shape. I've already done all the work." Aii-yii.

  11. Leigh, how could I have missed that one? And the twin of it.
    From a complete stranger:
    "I've just written this great book, and I'll let you read it for free if you'll blurb it and recommend it to your publisher."

  12. Very, very funny, Melodie, and oh so true. Every time someone finds out I'm a writer I expect them to ask (ala Clint Eastwood in the Unforgiven),
    " You mean of letters and such?"

  13. Lol. Please write a calendar of funnies.


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