15 April 2012

Florida News (Desperados Edition)

by Leigh Lundin

Fingering a Suspect

St. Cloud, FL.  St. Cloud is a pretty little town south of Orlando that hasn't quite lost its rustic flavor. I enjoy staying with friends here, but I worry the drive for growth may damage what makes it worthwhile. But I digress.

fingered Thursday, 5 April saw a shooting during a Kissimmee raid. St. Cloud police officer John Nettles 'perceived a threat' and shot off the middle finger of fellow officer Scott Wetherhold.


The Orlando Sentinel reports an investigation is under way, but I think it went something like this: "Damn it, John. For the last time I'm telling you not to point that in my direction…" Blam! "Owwww!"

This is not related to the Oregon cretin who fought in court for the right to give cops the finger. Sheesh, Bubba, pick your battles.

Courthouse Caper

Fort Lauderdale, FL.  Follow this: A Coral Springs dude went to court for his parole hearing. While there, he stole the judge's nameplate off the Broward County courtroom door. He then posted photographic evidence of his misdemeanor on Facebook, whereupon deputies arrested him.

Stealing the sign violated terms of his parole.

Rubbing Out a Child

Miami, FL. 
A couple of parents didn't sign consent forms (and local news reported they didn't pay) for an elementary school group photograph. Following the orders of the PTA, the cameraman used Photoshop to erase one of the children. As for the other child, well, see for yourself.

Cheesy Proposition

Manatee, FL.  Man, those Manatee County women are hungry! A woman offered sex in exchange for two double cheeseburgers, according to a deputy. Meanwhile, a woman under arrest in the county jail bit an officer so hard, she lost her two front teeth.

That bites.

♬♩ All I Want for Christmas… ♪♫

But Officer, These Are my IDs

Vero Beach, FL.  When asked for identification, a Vero Beach Vixen bared her breasts, where she had tattooed "Poem of Dead Tree". Will Greenlee reports close inspection couldn't determine whether the poem was "a haiku, sonnet, ode, couplet, ballad, epic or limerick or whether iambic pentameter is involved" or even if the poem was self published.

Susan StickleHidden Where?

Bradenton, FL.  After a stop for a broken muffler, police not only found drugs in the car, but also found the driver hid hydromorphone in her dentures. However, this next story…

Niceville, FL. 
Officer Mary-Kathleen Devine stopped two women driving a car suspected in a crime. One of the woman had a treasury of concealed items in her pants or, as the Sunshine Slate delicately put it, stashed in her lady locker.

Dump Site

Fort Pierce, FL.  This story is about a stolen vehicle and, well, you'd better read the article for yourself. Yep, this is Florida.


Dania Beach, FL.  Oneal Morris, the transgender woman (M➠F) arrested in Miami last year for 'enhancing' the butts of others with such Big Lots materials as construction caulking compound, cement, and Fix-a-Flat for the bargain price of $700,  is back in the news again for doing the same thing in Broward County.

It's not clear 'patients' noticed the perpetrator's own backside.

Trayvon Martin

Sanford, FL.  As most of you know, George Zimmerman has been arrested and charged with second degree murder in the Trayvon Martin case. Most people are satisfied, the Martin family urges this to be about justice and not vengeance, and the governor is assembling a task force to review our crazy Stand Your Ground law that precipitated so many unpunished murders here.

Rev. Al Sharpton gave a surprisingly temperate speech saying no one should gloat, while Zimmerman supporter and legal expert Sean Hannity claimed his conversation with Zimmerman was 'privileged', whatever that means. So, with a bit of luck and cooler heads, we might actually reach a point where we perhaps dismantle one of the more ill-conceived laws of recent years and attain a judgment that doesn't ruin a second life.

In the meantime, Florida continues its ongoing craziness. We don't want you to miss out, do we?


  1. A Broad Abroad15 April, 2012 11:22

    Show our IDs? Oops! Thought you said DDs.

    I do miss Florida. (sigh)

  2. Florida is whacked-out, isn't it, ABA? The good news is that it's a source of never-ending weirdism.

  3. Leigh, thanks for the laughs of the day. After reading the articles and viewing the pictures, I once again wonder how some people reach the heights of stupidity that they do. I realize most people rationalize their actions, but I would love to hear the actual reasoning in their mental process.

  4. On the school picture: now who do we blame? Maybe the PTA should be fired, or can you do that?

    The missing finger: that’ll teach the officer not to give any other of his colleagues the “finger.”

    On the stolen car: Lesson learned: when you have to go do so before stealing a car.

  5. Hiding drugs in dentures . . .

    So, any bets how long it will be before the following occurs at a local airport?

    TSA: Ma’am, are those your real teeth?

    Passenger: Young man, I’m 97. Do you think I’ve got someone else’s teeth in my

    TSA: Not inquiring about your age. Just the teeth, ma’am.

    Pass: Yes. They’re my teeth.

    TSA: The teeth you were born with?

    Pass: No.

    TSA: Afraid I’m going to have to ask you to remove those teeth for inspection, ma’am. You could be a terrorist hiding explosives inside them.

    Pass: Young man, I’m a grandmother from Minnesota on my way to visit my children and grandkids in Sarasota. I’m not a terrorist. Why don’t you take a look at that nervous fellow over there – the one wearing the “Death to America” t-shirt?

    TSA: That would be profiling, ma’am. We aren’t allowed to do that. Please remove your teeth, before we have to get physical here.

  6. (laughing) Dixon, you pegged it. And Louis, you're right. "Anybody gotta go before the trip?"

    I know, RT, I know. What the hell were they thinking?

  7. Herschel Cozine15 April, 2012 20:04

    And they call us Californians weird. Thanks for the laugh.

  8. Herschel, if Floridians call Californians weird, pay no attention. We're just shifting the blame.

  9. Is there a hanging chad anywhere?? :-)

  10. Hiding ice under her dentures? That was pretty neat? I wonder if she had that tailor made with a dentist concord. Haha!


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