by Melodie Campbell
Let’s call her Tiffany. Nah, too twee. How about Jen. Meet our fiction heroine, Jen. She’s a modern girl. Has her own condo. Drives a car. Lives in the city. Has a meaningful job. All in all, a typical
Sounds reasonable, but I couldn’t be her. I’m all for ‘suspension of disbelief’ in fantasy, but my world requires more human elements. To wit:
THINGS THAT BUG ME ABOUT MODERN FICTIONAL HEROINES
1. They look great all the time.
By this I mean: she gets up in the morning, perfect coiffed. (Not quaffed. Except maybe in my loopy Goddaughter books.) She dons clothes for her work day. Maybe goes for a jog. And spends absolutely no time in front of the mirror swabbing on makeup or doing her hair. Did you ever notice fiction novel heroines look great in the morning without doing anything? They may have a shit-load of angst about their personal lives, but apparently, they have Barbie doll hair.
As of immediately, name of heroine is changed to Barbie.
2. They never eat.
Oh, they got out to dinner a lot. You may even hear them order food. But when it comes, do they ever eat it? No! Barbie is far too busy arguing with her dinner companion, and then getting upset.
So many books, so many meals where our intrepid plucky heroine says, “oh my, I’m so upset, I couldn’t eat a thing.”
What is it with these feeble women who can’t eat? Who the hell are they? What do they exist on?
When I’m upset, I eat, dammit. Gotta fuel up for the famine that’s going to come sometime in the next 400 years.
If I hear another TSTL (too stupid to live) heroine say she’s too upset to eat, I’m going to shove the virtual dinner in her vapid virtual face and watch her choke to death. Oh. But then someone would have to rescue her.
EAT THE DAMN MEAL.
3. They never go to the bathroom.
Twenty-four hours a day, we’re with this dame. Does she ever go to the loo? I mean, for other than a quick swipe of lipstick and a gabfest with friends?
Do none of these women have periods?
Do they not have to offload some by-products? EVER?
Oh right. Barbie is always too upset to eat a thing. Therefore, nothing to offload. What was I thinking?HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
4. They run into the haunted house.
“Oh, a haunted house!” says our plucky heroine. (Note use of the word ‘plucky’ to demonstrate she’s not a chicken <sic>) “I’ll just pop in there and see what the fuss is all about, shall I?”
(Plucky heroines taste good with ketchup, in my parodies.)
Listen up, modern day heroines! Do NOT be so stupid as to walk into an abandoned place where you know someone was murdered, or even stupider, confront the murderer, all by your little selves!
Let it be known: when I am pretty sure I know who the killer is, I do NOT confront him all on my own in an isolated location. Instead, I pretty much run like hell in the opposite direction. ‘Cause experience has taught me (apparently, I do this a lot) that if someone has killed once, they won’t hesitate to bop my bean. Even Barbie with half a brain can figure out it ain’t a smart move.
Modern day heroines, rise up! Rebel against these tired tropes! Fight back against the lazy mucks who make you appear as dumb as dough.
GO ON STRIKE AGAINST YOUR AUTHORS! Or alternatively, strike your authors.
I’ll leave now.
Author disclosure: Just so you know, Gina Gallo of The Goddaughter series loves her food. You’ll see her eat it. She sneaks off to the bathroom (offstage, so don’t freak.) She looks like shit in the morning. Just like me. Even Rowena of my fantasy books goes to the outhouse and enjoys her meals. (Not at the same time.)