Ever since the first cavemen locked up one of their fellows pending trial, aggrieved prisoners have plotted how to get rid of witnesses. By now, an intelligent person might expect authorities will listening to jailhouse conversations. Unfortunately, some inmates haven’t gotten the memo. Picture a plexiglass panel and a pair of phones at visiting hour.
Jailhouse Chump
“You’re lookin’ good, boss.”
“Shut up, Bernie. Don’t give nobody in here any ideas. Listen, I need a favor, call it a clean-up on Aisle 7.”
“Uh, waddaya mean, boss?”
“A clean-up crew. Number 7 Isle Court, see?”
“Ain’t dat where Morris the Mouth lives?”
“Jeez, Bernie, why not take out an ad.”
“What you want it to say?”
“Bernie, watch my lips. I need ya to clean out Number 7, get it?”
“That’s real nice of you, boss, especially since the Mouth ratted on you.”
“Bernie, Bernie, I want you to remove him from these Earthly confines, demise him, shuffle him off this mortal coil, kick his galvanized bucket, punt his pail, polish him off, cut him down in his youthful prime…”
“How big you want this ad? Boss, you’re turning awfully red.”
“You fool. What do you not understand? Eliminate, eradicate, extirpate, terminate, you dolt, assassinate, annihilate, exterminate, decimate, punctuate, exsanguinate, ventilate, cremate, liquidate…”
“Nice rhyming them big words, boss, but here comes the warden. Oh look, he brought me a jump suit just like yours.”
Jailhouse Genius
Meet today’s crook, Demetric Deshawn Scott. He violently robbed Ramón Morales Reyes. Compounding the situation, Demetric Deshawn Scott is a US citizen. Ramón Morales Reyes is not. In fact, his U visa has been pending for ages and he’s at risk of deportation. Scott’s expectation that Latinos wouldn’t report the crime didn’t pan out.
So there’s Scott, sitting in jail, so unfair. If a good ol’ American citizen can’t assault and rob a Mex, where have our freedoms gone? What to do? What to do?
And then Demetric has a stroke of genius. Sometimes you can almost admire imaginative criminal cunning, flawed through it may be.
“Bernie, I had a stroke of genius. The White House ordered Immigration and Customs Enforcement to ship out 3000 immigrants per day, every day.”
“So what’s the geniousity?”
“We’re gonna report Reyes to ICE, see? We’ll get the FBI and US Marshals working for us, maybe the Secret Service.”
“That’s brilliant, boss. Er, how does that work exactly?”
“We report Reyes, the Feds pick him up and ship him out. He can’t testify if he ain’t here.”
“Yeah, but the arrests started with professors and students and small businessmen, and now they’re going for those high-paying minimum wage jobs, janitors and that ilk. They ain’t after the likes of you and me.”
“Here’s the ultra-smart part. We forge threatening letters to officials in Reyes’ name. I’ll get Mom to mail them for me. It’s the perfect plan.”
Days later, Bernie visits again.
“You was right, boss. The Feds arrested Reyes and are putting him through the grill.”
“Ha. My evil genius knew it. Our government at work. Snatched him right off the street, did they?”
“There’s one little problem. The letters to the President got too much attention. ICE ain’t shipped him out yet. They’re now investigating who really sent the notes.”
“Why? What’s the problem?”
“Reyes don’t know English. And the handwriting don’t match. And he’s a nice family man. No one believes it. I’m telling you, they’re gonna let him go.”
Demetric Deshawn Scott and his very big brain were led away frothing at the mouth and screaming like Wile E Coyote, “Blasphemy! Impiety! Profanity! Imbecility. Foiled again!”
Evidence Example
 |
| One of the Threatening Letters† |
†The reference to ’30 yard 6’ puzzled me until I realized they were referring to the venerable WW-I era Springfield 30-06, i.e, thirty-aught-six.
In my latter teens, I was given one: bolt action, wooden stock, much lighter than the WW-II era M1. After leaving home, I encountered that same rifle at Rose-Hulman. Their drill team didn’t mess about with light-weight faux firearms, but used genuine Springfields with fixed bayonets. Try twirling that!
Conversating Cons
Have you an example of an almost smart criminal plot?
The most egregious real case I know was a tanked up guy who, decades ago, tried to steal a cop car by getting into the back seat and pulling a gun on the cop in the front... Didn't work. I will say, Scott's plan was infinitely better than that.
ReplyDeleteOh no, Eve. In the past, I've seen police leave their vehicle running, generously assuming no one would dare touch it. Ha.
DeleteDepressingly funny. Reminds me of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6cake3bwnY
ReplyDeleteToo funny, Rob. I almost didn't recognize Mitchell and the gang.
DeleteYou are seriously nuts, Leigh! Thanks for the chuckle today - Melodie
ReplyDeleteSeriously nuts… What a great compliment, Melodie! Why thank you.
DeleteP.S. Long ago, my family decided they preferred the term 'eccentric'. After that came the pitchforks and torches and castle fires.
This is from a text file where I keep all kinds of info & ideas I might eventually use in my writing. It came from the local newspaper several years ago:
ReplyDelete"Auto shop burglarized; then burglar tries to sell back items
A burglar believed to be a white male in his 20s broke into an auto shop at 18 Tonawanda St. on Friday, puncturing a hole in the back wall of the garage and then stealing a $400 air wrench and $160 air hammer.
The incident was caught on video surveillance, but that apparently didn’t stop the suspect from returning to the shop later on that day to try and sell the tools back to the store. Buffalo police said the suspect also contacted the store owner by cell phone, but no arrest had been made as of Sunday.
A landscaping truck with a snow plow was described as the suspect’s vehicle."
Good one, Elizabeth. Reminds me of brilliant crooks who call cops when their stash is stolen.
DeleteYears ago I visited a business called Hubcap World– lots of business in Orlando attached 'World' to their name. A fancy spoked hubcap went missing from my girlfriends car, so I stopped by Hubcap World to see if they had one… and sure enough they did. When they brought it out, I instantly recognized it or more specivially my writing inside the cap where I'd noted in Sharpie the lugs used lefthand threads. They handed me the hubcap, no chargel.
Girlfriend said, "Did you check if you still had three hubcaps when you left?"