16 August 2014

TV Travesty! (Okay, prepare for a silly one…)


by Melodie Campbell

I’m a former comedy writer who has fallen off the standup stage and into the world of writing screwball mob crime comedies.  The Goddaughter’s Revenge is my latest zany book.

People often ask me why I write silly stuff.  I say it’s because I am seriously fed up with reality.  I mean, really - what’s so special about it?  Everybody does it. 

So for those of you who are sick of reality (TV or otherwise,) this is for you.  In the lofty traditions of Dallas, Dynasty and Desperate Housewives, make way for…TRAVESTY!
Note the originality of the plot.  (Hey, it’s rerun season!)

INTERIOR.  A pink frilly bedroom.  Daytime.  An attractive young woman in full makeup and Victoria’s Secret underwear reclines on the bed, moaning fatuously.  An older man kneels by her side, wringing his well-manicured hands.
Lance:  “Tell me April, I gotta know.  Is the baby mine?”
April (in bed):  “Oh Lance!  Oh Lance! <sob!> …what baby?”
Michael enters the room.
Michael:  “April honey, I’ve got something to tell you.”
April:  “No - <sob> - not-“
Michael nods.
April:  “You?  And Lance?”
Lance:  “OH-MY-GOD”
Michael:  “And your mother’s been hit by a beer truck, and the boutique has burnt down.”
April (standing up in bed): “THE BOUTIQUE?”
Michael:  “We saved the clothes, but the jewelry was a meltdown. Sorry.”
April (clutching throat):  “I can’t take it anymore! This is too much for one day.”
Michael:  “And it’s only 8 a.m.”
Lance (clearing throat):  “About your mother…”
April (collapsing on bed):  “OH-MY-GOD, MOTHER!  She hated beer.”
Lance:  “I have something to tell you…”
April (to director):  “Do I faint now?”
Lance:  “…she’s actually not your mother…”
Michael:  “WHAT?”
April:  “You mean-“
Lance:  “Yes.  I am”
<gasps all around>
Michael:  “That trip to Sweden…?”
Lance:  “Yes.”
Michael:  “LANA?”
Lance:  “Yes.”
Michael:  “But didn’t we…?”
Lance:  “Yes.”
Director (to April):  “You can faint now.”
Everyone faints.

Stay tuned next week for more riveting drama, when April asks the question, “How do you tell if blue cheese is bad?”

(I won’t always be this silly.  But I had to get this one in before rerun season was over.)     www.melodiecampbell.com

8 comments:

Dixon Hill said...

Your tale cracks me up. Your send-up instantly reminded me that I've been watching Spoils of Babylon on Netflix lately (and I think you did an even better job).

I think the show is worth watching, however, just for Will Ferrell's portrayal of "autor" Eric Jonrosh, the "undisputed master of fiction," as he introduces each episode of his "momentous book," supposedly turned into this mini-series.

I really enjoy having you here, as I find comedy incredibly difficult to write. I've long suspected this is due to not being able to easily inject tonal influences into the written word, the way I can do when recounting a humorous story in person. Reading your posts has given me a nice chance to see how comedy can be masterfully handled in print -- something I greatly appreciate.

--Dixon

Eve Fisher said...

Love it - and let's never forget the immortal "Soapdish!", if nothing else for Kevin Klein doing "Death of a Salesman" for Florida dinner theater....

Melodie Campbell said...

Thank you, Dixon! I'll go back to mystery fiction in my next post.
But I appreciate your comment re tonal influences. I originally did this one in front of a live audience and played all parts (very quickly, and mixed them up, apparently) and the response was gratifying. I think this one works on the page as well, which doesn't always happen.

Melodie Campbell said...

Thank you Eve! And yes to "Soapdish" :)

Robert Lopresti said...

I love the labels you put on this one. "The BOUTIQUE?"


Melodie Campbell said...

grin - Rob, I think that's my favorite line.

Leigh Lundin said...

I love it! And she's got her priorities, her mother somewhere after everything else.

C.S.Poulsen said...

Bahahahahaha.
Robin would be proud of that one!
Thanks, I needed that. Love it! More, more!