Ripped From the Headlines!

Chelsea, MI police looking for woman who donated a human skull at Goodwill

(LINK)  Possibilities:

1. She was tired of it lying around the house.
2. It was the last of her grandfather's belongings, and she didn't want it.
3. Someone gave it to her (I hope not for Valentine's Day).
4. She'd picked it up at the town dump / local bar / the back of an Uber.
5. Well, she had to get rid of it somewhere.  
6. Nobody knows.

Scientists Recreate What a Mummy's Voice Would Have Sounded Like

(He doesn't sound that enthusiastic to me, but he got his wish.)

Firefighters Rescue Swan in the Connecticut River  (Link)

"Crews also rescued a duck and a dog, but said saving the swan also gave them a valuable opportunity to train for future ice rescues."

Serial underwear thief at New Zealand school identified as...  (LINK)

"A serial thief who has been stealing items including towels, shoes and underwear from a New Zealand school for over a year was finally caught on camera and identified as a literal cat burglar."  As in meowy kind.  Nobody yet knows why the cat was enamored by objects smelling of sweat and a hint of chlorine.

Swimmer's lost prosthetic leg washes up 10 months later, 14 miles away  (LINK)

So... jealous mermaid?  A hoarding octopus?  A kinky surfer?  My favorite part is that it was found with the sock still on it...  

Texas big game hunter killed while stalking African Cape buffalo (Link)

I like to think of it as Animals 1: Humans 0.  

Australian Mushroom Murderer Finally Sentenced:   (LINK)

Mrs. Patterson, a 50-year-old mother of two, was sentenced in early September, weeks after she was convicted of killing three of her estranged husband's elderly relatives with poisonous mushrooms in a home-cooked meal. 

The menu:
"...individual portions of home-made beef Wellington, a steak dish wrapped in pastry, usually with a paste of finely chopped mushrooms. And, as Patterson herself acknowledged during the trial, that paste contained death cap mushrooms, which are among the most poisonous in the world." 

Also, Pro Tip:  If you're going to host a toxic meal, do not, I repeat do not, serve your portion on different tableware than that of your guests.  It raises suspicions.

An Upteenth Case of Child Porn in South Dakota

"James Allen Frank, a 36-year-old man from Spearfish, has been arrested for possession of child pornography, according to a ticket and probable cause affidavit obtained by KELOLAND News.  Frank’s address, listed on the court documents, matches the address listed on business filings for an unlicensed in-home child care center run by his wife...  The tip from NCMEC included three videos depicting the sexual content involving prepubescent and pubescent girls.  He has since been sentenced to eight years in prison."  (I would think this rated a little longer sentence, like... 20 years?)  (LINK)

Boxer Loses Hairpiece in the Ring.  (LINK)

Before:  

After:  

(NOTE:  The bout was eventually scrapped because he failed a drug test.)

From News of the Weird:  (Link)

"Shepherd Dieter Michler had no real answers for why 50 members of his flock split from the 500-sheep herd and made their way into a Penny supermarket in Burgsinn, Lower Franconia, Germany, on Jan. 5. Shoppers and employees quickly took to higher ground, climbing atop the conveyor belts of the checkout lanes to make way for the ovine interlopers, who left broken bottles, droppings and strewn products in their wake when they were eventually removed from the store. Michler told the Main-Post newspaper that he suspected the wandering sheep became distracted by acorns as he led the herd across the industrial area, and, after losing contact with the rest of the group, meandered into the store's parking lot."

"Skip Cunningham, 70, was asleep on his couch on Jan. 13 when a car crashed into his home and landed on him, WWNY-TV reported. "I woke up and blood running down my head and a car laying on top of me," Cunningham said. "The guy's running around saying, 'Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.' I says, 'Well, call 911.'" An ambulance took Cunningham to the hospital, where he got 13 staples in his head. But on the way, trying to play out his amazing "luck," he asked the ambulance driver to stop so he could buy a lottery ticket. "But they wouldn't stop," he said. Cunningham has lived in the house for 50 years and said cars have run into his home five times." 

Dear Skip, MOVE. Sincerely, Concerned.

And my favorite:

"Cops Forced to Explain Why AI Generated Police Report Claimed Officer Transformed Into a Frog." Source

“The body cam software and the AI report writing software picked up on the movie that was playing in the background, which happened to be ‘The Princess and the Frog,'” police sergeant Rick Keel told the broadcaster, referring to Disney’s 2009 musical comedy. “That’s when we learned the importance of correcting these AI-generated reports.”  

Yeah, right...

"I got better."