But, of course, they can fly. I saw two of them the other day hanging out around the penitentiary (I do not even inquire as to the motivations of turkeys, or who they were visiting), and when our car came one of them flew right up, landed in a tree, and started rearly expectorating.
I have a lot of turkey stories, including the memorable time which I shared before in 2021 - but a good story is a good story. I was walking on a trail in Lake Herman State Park here in South Dakota. Now that park has (had - things have changed) wild turkeys, deer, fox, coyotesowls, hawks, seagulls, pelicans, and once in a while some eagles, roaming free. And this day, the flock of wild turkeys was right there, in the middle of the trail, eating and gobbling. Well, I did a big loop around them, because I didn't want to disturb them, then got back on the trail further up, and walked on. But after a while, I heard there was this tremendous rushing sound behind me, almost like water. So I looked over my shoulder, and by God, there was the whole flock coming towards me. RUNNING towards me. So I stopped. And they all skidded to a stop around me.
So there they were: gobble-gobble-gobble. Hooking their necks and looking up sideways at me. Gobble-gobble-gobble. I mean, it was interesting, but I didn't have any corn with me or anything, and I don't speak Gobble, so after a while I said, "Well, you caught me, now what are you going to do with me?" Gobble-gobble-gobble. And after a while, they finally got tired and went on. And so did I, chuckling away. But later, I thought, "I wonder if that's how a wooly mammoth felt, surrounded by humans in the Ice age?" and then, "If turkeys ever learn how to make tools, we're screwed."
"Vengeance is mine! Gobble-gobble-gobble!"
Flock of Wild Turkeys,
waiting for someone like me to come along
by Sarov702 - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=132330541
The Great Wild Turkey in Flight
by Andy Reago & Chrissy McClarren - Wild Turkey, CC BY 2.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=47672945
The most concise description of them all is a self-important, arrogant, interfering, and generally inept know-it-all who is nearly always wrong. Hilarious without knowing why everyone's laughing. And yet, somehow, loveable... You know. Turkeys. Love them all.
And now for something completely different:
A Native American Prayer of Thanks:
Great and Eternal Mystery of Life,
Master of the Universe,
Creator of All Things,
I give thanks for the beauty
You put in every single one of Your creations.
I give thanks that You did not fail
in making every stone, plant, creature, and human being
a perfect and whole part of Your Sacred world.
I give thanks that You have allowed me
to see the strength and beauty of Your creation.
My humble request is that all of the children of earth
will learn to see the same perfection in themselves.
May none of Your human children doubt or question
Your wisdom, Your grace, Your perfect, unending love.
Seven years ago, I ran this column Thanksgiving week. Since many people might need a laugh this year, I'm running it again, with minor edits. Happy early Thanksgiving to those of you in the US.
It's two days until Thanksgiving, and I bet some of you are stressed.
Maybe it's because you're cooking and ... it's the first time you're
hosting, and you want it to be perfect. Or your mother-in-law is coming,
and your turkey never lives up to hers. Or the weatherman is predicting
snow on Thanksgiving and you're afraid that your relatives won't show
up ... or maybe that they will.
Or maybe your stress stems from being a guest. Are you an introvert,
dreading a day of small talk with the extended family? A picky eater,
going to the home of a gourmet who makes food way too fancy for your
tastes? Or are you a dieter, going to the home of someone who likes to
push food and you're likely to spend the day going, "no thanks, no rolls
for me," "no thanks, no candied yams for me," "no thanks, no cookies
for me," ... "dear lord, lady, what part of no thanks don't you get?"
No matter who you are, or what your situation, Thanksgiving can cause
stress. The best way to deal with stress is laughter. And that's where I
come in. So set down that baster and get ready to smile, because I've
got some fictional characters who've had a worse Thanksgiving than you.
Paul and Jamie Buchman from Mad About You
They tried so hard to make the perfect dinner ... only to have their dog, Murray, eat the turkey.
Rachel Green from Friends
All she wanted was to cook a nice dessert for her friends ... only to
learn too late that she wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It
did not taste good.
The Gang from Cheers
Those poor Thanksgiving orphans. They waited hours for a turkey that
just wouldn't cook ... only to then suffer the indignity of being
involved in a food fight. (For anyone who's ever read my story
"Biscuits, Carats, and Gravy," this Cheers episode was the inspiration.)
Debra Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond
She was determined to have a happy Thanksgiving despite her overly
critical mother-in-law ... only to drop her uncooked turkey on the floor
three times before flinging it into the oven. Yum.
Arthur Carlson from WKRP in Cincinnati
He wanted to create the greatest promotion ever, inviting the public to a
shopping mall and providing free turkeys ... live ones ... only to learn too late
that tossing live turkeys out of a helicopter from
2,000 feet in the air isn't a good idea. As God was his witness, he thought turkeys could fly.
Ah, Thanksgiving time! Time to give thanks for so many things...
I'm thankful for my husband of 46 years... We're beginning to think our relationship might last.
I'm thankful for all our children, godchildren, and dear, dear, dear friends, both here in South Dakota and all around the country, who are the great delights of our lives.
PRO TIP: Friendship [and books] will get you through times of no money [or any other crisis] better than money will get you through times of no friends [or books].
I'm thankful for this crazy patchwork quilt of a country, with all of its variety of accents, faces, backgrounds, predilections, hobbies, obsessions, cuisines... all of it. Any country that can provide samosas, pierogis, empanadas, tiropitas, pasties, and dumplings (steamed, fried, or baked) from every nationality is my place to live, but then I have never had enough stuffed packets of dough in my life. I would hate to live in a country where everyone looked, sounded, believed, and acted alike.
I am thankful for a warm house with central heating, working plumbing, and a solid roof in this, our first killer cold snap of the year. Winter has come late to South Dakota, which means we all got spoiled rotten and seemed to think it would never happen... And I'm so thankful that we don't have to twist hay to use as fuel. Read Laura Ingalls Wilder's The Long Winter - nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is romantic about winter in the days before central heating.
courtesy of the Minnesota Historical Society (Wikipedia)
And I'm especially thankful that we don't have to burn coal.
As I've written before, we did, back in the first house we ever bought in Bristol, TN. It was a dilapidated old place with closets made out of linoleum and few other amenities. As it turned out, there also wasn't a lick of insulation, but that's normal with "Southern" houses, even if you are living in the Appalachian mountains. To all those who say, "Well, winter's not too long and it all melts off soon", my response is "ALTITUDE COUNTS!!!!"
And it came with an old coal furnace. Well, we couldn't afford both a down payment and a new furnace, so we just laughed and said we'd find out what life was like in the 19th century, and we did. It sucked.
For one thing, the coal wasn't delivered in relatively small lumps that you could shovel straight into the furnace. Oh, no, it came in giant lumps, 2-3 feet wide that came down the coal chute straight into our basement, sending up clouds of black dust that, after decades, is probably still on the basement walls. Every night my husband came home from work and (wearing kerchiefs on his head and face) smashed those lumps of coal by picking them up and throwing them on each other and/or the floor. More clouds of black dust. Then he'd throw some of it on the fire, and that would see us for about 3-4 hours. Before we went to bed, he'd throw more of it on the fire. Early in the morning, I'd get up and, carefully dressing myself in my oldest, dirtiest hard work clothes, rekindle the fire and throw coal on it. I'd come back from work at lunchtime and put on more coal. And after work, the coal furnace came first...
And an old coal furnace without a blower means that the heat gently rises... which meant the house was always cold. I remember that Thanksgiving we had a killer cold snap. The furnace was providing just enough warmth so we didn't have icicles coming off of our noses, but that was about it. So we set up a couple of kerosene heaters to try and get the temperature higher, enough so we didn't have to wear hats and gloves and scarves indoors. I remember trying to levitate on top of them in an attempt to feel warm... I failed, but I believe I invented some new yoga poses in the process.
The house also came with a coal fireplace (i.e., a very shallow fireplace that is not very good for burning logs), so one night I had the bright idea to kindle a coal fire in it and maybe get warm.
It worked. Sort of. It was smelly and sooty, just like the furnace (how on earth did any Victorians manage to not get lung cancer in a world of coal fires?). And the Victorian home was never clean: coal is dirty to handle and the sooty particles that come out of the vents or in the fireplace smoke stick to everything. You can't just dust it off, or even wipe it off - that oily smut requires scrubbing. It is the reason spring housecleaning used to be mandatory, and required fun things like lye soap and arms like a brickbuilder.
Come spring, we cleaned. Oh, how we cleaned.
And we cheerfully went into debt for a brand new gas furnace that had a blower and all new ducts, because all the old ducts were full of black smut. Luxury! Warmth! Luxury!
Ahhhh....
And I'm thankful for the memories... And so thankful we don't have to do them again.
May you all have a Happy Thanksgiving, with warmth and food and no coal!!!
Holiday Greetings, SleuthSayers Faithful! Since my spot in the SleuthSayers rotation comes every other Thursday, it seems inevitable that every few years my spot will fall on this, in many ways the most American of holidays.
I'm speaking, of course, about Thanksgiving.
The last time I wrote a Thanksgiving post for Sleuthsayers was in 2020, when we as a planet found ourselves mired deep in the Time of COVID. If you'd like to compare, you can find that post here.
So here's my three-year update of what I'm thankful for:
My Family: most especially for my wife, Robyn, and my son, James. The two of them keep me honest and keep things around Casa Thornton fun. Also grateful for my parents, my brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, etc.
My Friends: What can I say? Friends old and more recent, they fill me up, and support me. And I do my damnedest to return the favor.
My Health: After some recent challenges to my health, things have been looking up for the lion's share of 2023, with only metaphorical blue skies in evidence for 2024.
My Writing: I dove into the deep end of the short story market this past twelve months, and it was nice to be able to not only find my groove again, but really work to up my game, write scenes I might not have considered, conceived or attempted earlier in my career. It's been, and continues to be, a wonderful ride!
My Day Gig: I love my job. Make this, jobs. Both of them. My writing career (see above) has been, and continues to be, a labor of love that has paid dividends since the jump. My day job is teaching history (currently, and for the past seventeen years, to eighth graders). With COVID, overcrowded classes, and wrestling with a district administration that frequently seems to fail to understand the importance of what I do for a living, it had admittedly been a struggle over the past years.
The kids, for the most part, have remained AWESOME. Absolutely the best portion of what I do. And this year, even more so.
This year, I'm teaching a new subject (Yay U.S. History! And I'll miss Ancient & Medieval, but this is still a welcome change.), working on updating curriculum across multiple fronts. And get this: one of the newest members of my school's history department is a former student of mine. Yes, I have indeed been around that long.
I've written before about "Kids These Days", and fresh on the heels of parent-teacher conferences held just last night, my thoughts turn yet again to this subject: these children and the families who love, support and raise them, are our collective future. And judging from the families I've gotten to know and their wondrous progeny, our future rests in good hands.
The Writing Community At Large: I mentioned "friends" above, and many of my friendships began as acquaintances in the writing community, so of course I have friendships which double dip in "both" my daily life and my peers among the Writing Community at large (thinking especially of my MWA-Northwest cronies here). But more than that, I continue to find writers in general interested in what other writers (myself among them) are up to, and more than willing to be of assistance if at all possible. Twenty or so years into the game, I cherish these associations, and this community, more than ever.
Where I Live: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I've lived a lot of places, but there really is no place like home. Still love the Pacific Northwest.
Yes, I know, I know. The rain. I've lived in the desert. Still enjoy visiting. Lived on the prairies. Magic there, too. LOVE going back.
Still, this is home.
The Seattle Mariners and Baseball in General: Yes, I know they missed the playoffs. Don't care. We'll get 'em next year. And it's only 80 days until "Pitchers and Catchers Report"!
SleuthSayers: This place helps keep me writing. Those twice-monthly deadlines are always there, looming. And as my wife (who ought to know best) is fond of saying of me, I do my best work on a deadline. And that thankfulness includes those of you dear readers who took the time to read this, and for all the folks who have stopped in to have a look at my work over the past decade and a bit.
And on that positive note I am off. Here's wishing us all a safe and Happy Thanksgiving!
The problem with living in a small state (or town) is that it's almost impossible to keep a secret. You can try, but you're not going to succeed. The stories float out on the wind, like the breath between your neighbors' lips. But it's also a gift, because there is endless entertainment.
A few examples:
(1) Back in October the South Dakota Supreme Court unsealed the search warrant records for South Dakota's own billionaire, T. Denny Sanford, but most of us had heard about this and have been discussing it, and what it was for, 2 years or so. So, you who aren't South Dakotan might ask, "What were the search warrants for?"
"Sanford’s electronic devices came to the attention of investigators with the South Dakota attorney general’s office after a technology firm reported that child pornography had either been sent, received or downloaded on his device, according to one of the people who spoke to AP. Attorney General Jason Ravnsborg determined there was sufficient evidence to move toward prosecuting Sanford, but passed the case to the U.S. Department of Justice because it spanned to Arizona, California and Nebraska, according to both people." (AP News) (my emphasis added – also, that's quite a span, don't you think?)
There has since been fallout, including National University in San Diego putting a hold on changing its name to Sanford National University specifically because of the charges. And a lot of executives at Sanford Healthcare have quit, some with 8-figure golden parachutes. And… Well, any more would be just repeating the gossip. I'll report more when it finally comes out on the news.
(2) Corey Lewandowski. Everyone's been talking about that hot mess since 2019.
(3) The Covid-19 outbreak at Smithfield Foods in Sioux Falls back in 2020: I (and others) first heard about it well before it came out in the news, from people who were desperately trying to get the word out and warn everyone what was coming, while the CEO and other executives (and certain SD officials) were trying to cover it all up like a cat in a litter box.
My note: This is why I don't have my knickers in a twist over China's supposed malfeasance about Covid-19, because I don't remember many cities, states, or businesses in America being really open and forthcoming about having a Covid outbreak in early 2020… Everyone tried to cover it up here in the United States, too.
(4) The story of Governor Kristi Noem's 2020 meeting with Executive Director of the South Dakota Appraiser Certification Program to discuss her daughter's getting an appraiser's certification had been circulating for some time. It finally made the news in October of this year, as someone pointed out that the same executive director was apparently urged to retire and given a $200,000 payout. (Argus) The investigation is ongoing.
BTW, my favorite story about Governor Noem is an on-going lawsuit by "Blue State Refugees" (hereinafter referred to as the BSR) who wanted to protest Covid vaccine mandates at the Capitol on Pierre. Now the BSR is an unofficial organization of people who responded to Governor Noem's call last year to "Move to South Dakota and enjoy your freedoms!" And they came. And they want to protest. "The state, though, says it has banned all political demonstrations from the capitol grounds in November and December to accommodate the annual holiday and Christmas displays and decorations at the Capitol." Well, Governor Noem quickly announced that they would indeed allow the Blue State Refugees to assemble, and the Blue State Refugees – via their lawyer – announced “We resolved the issue whether the protest will take place next week. The lawsuit is not dismissed. It’s going forward.” Why? "We need to have some kind of assurance that they will not be enforcing this policy, not just now but into the future." (KELO) (Argus) If you're surprised that the BSR† can't take "yes" for an answer – I'm not. If you invite people to come, promising them total freedom to do anything they want…
Speaking of doing anything they want:
(5) Our State Senate Majority Leader Gary Cammack was arrested for a DUI and driving without a license on January 18, 2020, and (after spending the night in jail) plead down to a misdemeanor of careless driving (a popular charge given to powerful people arrested for various problem driving incidents, see AG Ravnsborg), and then on October 4, 2020 got the court to seal the records. But word got around:
“The sealing of Mr. Cammack’s record was the final step in a common and lawful process occurring thousands of times a year in South Dakota,” Nelson wrote. “But the coincidental timing of those events did nevertheless appear suspicious, even though it was not.” (Cammack: Sealing of Court Case...) (My Note: I'm trying to think of anyone who is not a politician or mover/shaker who has gotten a record sealed and can't think of one. Thousands? I doubt it.)
And from "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" file:
(6) Cammack's son, Chris, received more than $700,000 in state coronavirus relief funds designed to help businesses in South Dakota recover losses suffered during the pandemic, plus more than $300,000 in forgivable Paycheck Protection Program loans from the federal government to keep 10 workers employed. His business? A taxidermy business called Prairie Mountain Wildlife Studios.
BTW, up here in South Dakota, the first question that most people asked was, "What taxidermy place has 10 workers?" Seriously, try 3. Maybe 4.
Anyway, Prairie Mountain Wildlife Studios was listed as being in Union City, SD, and it once was - but in 2014 or 2015, Chris and his family and the business all moved to Cypress, Texas.
NOTE: This image from Google Maps shows the Cypress, Texas properties owned by Chris Cammack. The Brush Country/Prairie Mountain studios building has a red roof at the top of the image, and the home just to the south has a gray roof. Photo: Google Maps See the link at SD NewsWatch below.
Not only that, but back in March, 2020 Chris lobbied hard for special hunting licenses for non-residents (like him) of South Dakota to hunt on land they still owned in South Dakota. Oh, and Chris also received PPP loans at the same time in 2020 and 2021 for two taxidermy businesses that have nearly the same names in both South Dakota and Texas totaling $798,217 to pay employees at both locations. And it gets worse - but read it all for yourself at (SDNewsWatch). We'll see if any of the money - loans, relief funds, etc. - gets clawed back. I'm not holding my breath.
And a reminder that domestic abusers are dangerous to more than the folks at home:
(7) I read with shock, horror, and absolute revulsion the story of the man who ran through the Christmas parade up in Waukesha, WI. Apparently the driver had a history of violence at home and abroad, and had used his fists, his gun(s), and his car as weapons before. No surprise to me, because back in the 1990s, I experienced sitting in my car, trapped between a berm and other cars, as a man gunned his car directly at me. He was a domestic abuser, with an expired license, who'd just smashed out the windows of his house, and, still angry, decided to use his car as a weapon against the first woman he saw. Which was me. I was lucky: at the last moment he swerved away. But it was still pretty damn scary. I wrote my fourth blog with Sleuthsayers on it - read it here: (The Circuit Administrator's Tale)
And now for something completely different!
A true Thanksgiving-ish story:
A few years back, I was walking on a trail in Lake Herman State Park here in South Dakota. Now that park has wild turkeys, deer, fox, coyotes owls, hawks, seagulls, pelicans, and once in a while some eagles, roaming free. And this day, the flock of wild turkeys was right there, in the middle of the trail, eating and gobbling. Well, I did a big loop around them, because I didn't want to disturb them. And I got back on the trail further up, and walked on. Well, after a while, I realized there was this tremendous rushing sound behind me, almost like water. So I looked over my shoulder, and by God, there was the whole flock coming towards me. RUNNING towards me. So I stopped. And they all skidded to a stop around me.
So there they were: gobble-gobble-gobble. Hooking their necks and looking up sideways at me. Gobble-gobble-gobble. I mean, it was interesting, but I didn't have any corn with me or anything, so after a while I said, "Well, you caught me, now what are you going to do with me?" Gobble-gobble-gobble. And after a while, they finally got tired and went on. And so did I, chuckling away. But later, I thought, "I wonder if that's how a wooly mammoth felt, surrounded by humans in the Ice age?" and then, "If turkeys ever learn how to make and use tools, we're screwed."
† BTW, one of the ways we South Dakotans can tell a BSR is by the 4-way stop test. There aren't a lot of traffic lights in most small towns around the state, because we (used to be) frugal, and low population, so what we have is a lot of 4-way stop corners. A South Dakotan knows to pull up to it, stop, and take turns, starting with whoever got there first or the person on the right. A BSR invariably just blows on through, leaving us all shaking our heads and muttering under our breath...
It's two days until Thanksgiving, and I bet some of you are stressed. Maybe it's because you're cooking and ... it's the first time you're hosting, and you want it to be perfect. Or your mother-in-law is coming, and your turkey never lives up to hers. Or the weatherman is predicting snow on Thanksgiving and you're afraid that your relatives won't show up ... or maybe that they will.
Or maybe your stress stems from being a guest. Are you an introvert, dreading a day of small talk with the extended family? A picky eater, going to the home of a gourmet who makes food way to fancy for your tastes? Or are you a dieter, going to the home of someone who likes to push food and you're likely to spend the day going, "no thanks, no rolls for me," "no thanks, no candied yams for me," "no thanks, no cookies for me," ... "dear lord, lady, what part of no thanks don't you get?"
No matter who you are, or what your situation, Thanksgiving can cause stress. The best way to deal with stress is laughter. And that's where I come in. So set down that baster and get ready to smile, because I've got some fictional characters who've had a worse Thanksgiving than you.
Paul and Jamie Buchman from Mad About You
They tried so hard to make the perfect dinner ... only to have their dog, Murray, eat the turkey.
Rachel Green from Friends
All she wanted was to cook a nice dessert for her friends ... only to learn too late that she wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good.
The Gang from Cheers
Those poor Thanksgiving orphans. They waited hours for a turkey that just wouldn't cook ... only to then suffer the indignity of being involved in a food fight. (For anyone who's ever read my story "Biscuits, Carats, and Gravy," this Cheers episode was the inspiration.)
Debra Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond
She was determined to have a happy Thanksgiving despite her overly critical mother-in-law ... only to drop her uncooked turkey on the floor three times before flinging it into the oven. Yum.
Arthur Carlson from WKRP in Cincinnati
He wanted to create the greatest promotion ever, inviting the public to a
shopping mall and providing free turkeys ... live ones ... only to learn too late
that turkeys don't fly so when you toss them out of a helicopter from
2,000 feet in the air they hit the ground like sacks of wet cement.
So, dear readers, I hope you're smiling and feeling less stressed. If you'd like to read my story, you could pick up a copy of the current EQMM, available in some Barnes and Noble and Books-A-Million bookstores, as well as in an electronic version. You can find more information about getting the magazine here. The issue also has a story from SleuthSayer alum David Dean that I'm sure you'll enjoy.) As to the TV episodes mentioned above, I bet you can find them all online.
Until next time, please share your favorite funny turkey day story (fictional or real) in the comments. Happy Thanksgiving!
Tomorrow Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving and, in case you wondered,
Liberia celebrates Thanksgiving the first Thursday in November. The
time or place matters little to bachelors who celebrate the holiday
much the same no matter when or where.
Tomorrow Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving and, in case you wondered,
Liberia celebrates Thanksgiving the first Thursday in November. The
time or place matters little to bachelors who celebrate the holiday
much the same no matter when or where.
I spent last weekend at the pen, doing another Alternatives to Violence Project (AVP) workshop. This time we were training inside facilitators, which we do every two years or so. These are inmates who have done basic and advanced workshops, and have shown themselves to be really good at walking the walk as well as talking the talk. These are guys who have gone a long time without being written up or put in the SHU, who know how to and do defuse situations on the ground, and want to be a part of spreading the word to others. Without them, we couldn't do AVP. (NOTE: Check us out on Facebook!) We outside facilitators need their help in all sorts of ways, and I can't say enough good stuff about them or give enough thanks for their help.
Meanwhile, I'm so glad I'm not in prison. It's one of the things for which I am truly thankful. And I don't take it for granted. There's a long, long, long list of things which will send you to prison and I know very few people who have done none of them. And it can happen so fast... I've seen guys in the pen who are absolutely shell-shocked because suddenly they are there, and they almost don't know what's happened. (Some, who are mentally disabled, really don't know what's happened.)
Meanwhile, this meme - the one on the right - has been going around the internet for a long, long time, comparing prison (favorably) to nursing homes. And I've refuted it every time I see it, and will continue to do so. One version of it starts "Let's put Grandma in prison", to which I always respond, you must really hate your Grandma. And then I explain why this meme is absolutely, one hundred percent false. Not to mention pretty damn hateful...
So, let's compare apples to oranges, prisons to nursing homes:
Yes, prisoners get a shower every day - it's to prevent lice, mites, and scabies. It's a health measure, not for their pleasure. Believe me, a lot of prisoners would just as soon not take showers, because they don't want to be in a large group of naked men, some of whom are hostile, and - what with steam, slippery tile, soap, etc. - it's a place where rape and other assaults can happen. Is this really the way you want Grandma to live?
(NOTE: In a nursing home, they do get a bath or shower every day, but in private.)
Prison cell
Yes, there is 24/7 video surveillance. That's for security. Yes, the lights don't go off at 7 PM in the pen - they don't go off at all. That's for security. The average prison cell is 6 x 8 feet, and (except for lifers) it's shared by two inmates, and the toilet is open, right in the front, by the door, so that literally everyone can see them doing their business. That's for security, too. Is this really the way you want Grandma to live?
(NOTE: The average nursing home room is at least six times that size, and the toilet is in a private bathroom with a door. And no, the lights are NOT turned off in a nursing home at 7:00 PM.)
Yes, there are three meals a day. They're awful. I know, I've eaten a lot of them. (We don't go out for meals during a weekend workshop.) They get no fresh fruit, vegetables, fish, or red meat. (The exceptions: once a day they get canned corn or canned green beans or lettuce or raw carrots.) There are a lot of carbs, which is why, even if you don't have diabetes before you go into the pen, there's a good chance you'll develop it before you go. (Nationally, 21% of inmates have diabetes.) Is this really the way you want Grandma to live?
(NOTE: I've eaten many a meal in assisted living centers, while visiting my parents, God rest their souls, and they weren't cold, except the salads, and they were pretty good.)
Yes, prisoners are allowed to have a TV - if they can afford it. (No, they're not free.) This is also a security measure, believe it or not. Unless they have a job (and as many as half the prisoners don't), they're locked down, in their 6x8 cell 23/24. Lately, they're also being given tablets (provided for free by private corporations, and not on the taxpayers' dime), which allow them to make telephone calls from their cells (using earbuds), listen to music, and access the digital law library.
(NOTE: The digital law library has caused some prisons to quit having a paralegal on staff to explain the law to the inmates, which is sort of like providing a medical library and firing the doctors.) Working or not, inmates are only allowed 1 hour for recreation (rec). Depending on staffing levels, or climate, even rec is cancelled. Inside rec is in the gym, which does come equipped with basketball hoops and weight equipment. (Personally, I want them to burn off their energy somewhere....)
Prison tiers, SDSP
When the weather is nice and staffing levels are good, rec is outside, where inmates can play baseball and walk / jog around the track. But, as soon as the temperature goes below 50, all rec is indoors, because the inmates - for security reasons - aren't given coats unless they have a specific job outside. So, here in South Dakota, that generally means that for six months out of the year, inmates don't get to go outside, at all. And because of the configuration of cell blocks, most cells don't have windows; and where there are windows, they're covered with iron mesh, which means that inmates don't even get to see the sun for six months out of the year. Is this really the way you want Grandma to live?
Now let's talk about medication. Most prisoners are now given Vitamin B and D supplements, because of the lack of sunlight, the food, and the constant fluorescent lighting. Yes, there's generally a paramedic and a nurse on duty 24/7 at a prison. Yes, there is free prescription medication, and if you really want people with bi-polar, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses to go without medication in an over-crowded environment of people who are stuck there for years for criminal behavior, well... that one's beyond me...
But notice I said prescribed medication. You have to get that prescription, and getting it can take a while. First you have to get an appointment to see the doctor, which takes a while. Diagnosis takes a while. And the medications are given out on the prison time schedule, not the prisoners. Diabetics don't get to check their blood sugar and medicate accordingly. They get their insulin at the scheduled time. Period. Inmates on chemo get to ride out the side effects in their 6x8 cell, without any special diet or help. Is this really the way you want Grandma to live?
A lot of prisoners are elderly. You get 20, 30, 40, 50 years or life, you're going to grow old in prison. Eventually, elderly and disabled prisoners are allowed knee braces, walkers, and eventually even wheelchairs. Those who are in wheelchairs are often assigned a pusher, which in this case is an inmate who will push them to where they want to go. But they're not given any special help in and out of bed, on and off the toilet, up and down the stairs, to and from the chow hall, the medication line, etc., until they're actually at the hospice stage. Is this really the way you want Grandma to live?
All I can say, is that if your elderly loved ones are in a nursing home that does what the meme says, you have put them in the wrong nursing home. (That or you really do hate them.) Get them out. Immediately. Here are the official Nursing Home Care Standards: find some place that follows them!
Meanwhile, I hope that reading this has made us all truly thankful for the things we have: a home, with a private bathroom, a soft bed with comforters and pillows, weather-appropriate clothing, the ability to go outside whenever we want, do what we want, eat whatever we want. The simple fact that I can actually turn the lights on and off is wonderful. The fact that I can have a Thanksgiving Dinner with friends, loaded with good food... it's fantastic. I am truly, truly, truly, thankful.
Well, since Thanksgiving is in a couple of days I thought I’d write about what I, as a writer in particular, am thankful for. We all have things in our “regular” lives to be thankful for, so this column will address specifically some of what this writer has to be thankful for: Computers: Whoa! I can’t say enough about this one. Changed my life. I’ve mentioned before how when personal PCs came out I thought they were just another silly toy. Then my former writing partner got one and I saw him move a paragraph from one page to another and I was hooked. How much better than literally cutting and pasting with scissors and white out. (Of course I’m sorry for Mike Nesmith and his mom, who invented white out, but I think they’re doing okay anyway.) So I was the second person I knew to get a PC: two floppy drives, wow! And we know how far computers have come from those days. Now your phone is a mini-computer.
Microsoft Word: When I started out on that dual floppy computer I used a word processing program called XyWrite, which I really liked. But it didn’t weather the transition to GUI programs like Windows. So I switched to Word. One can complain about both Microsoft and Word plenty, but overall they’ve made my life a hell of a lot easier.
Paying Markets: In the ye olden days of the mid-20th century writers could actually make a living selling short stories. That’s not really true anymore. There aren’t a lot of paying markets. No one would think of not paying their doctor or plumber, but for some reason people don’t think writers’ work is worth paying for. Sure, sometimes they’re struggling themselves, but even a token payment would be nice. When I was teaching screenwriting seminars on occasion I would always tell the students not to work for free. And, though I have published with non-paying markets it’s definitely better to get paid. So thanks to Ellery Queen and Alfred Hitchcock (and others)—magazines that still pay and still publish short stories. Long may they live!
Assistants: I’m most grateful for all the wonderful assistants I’ve had over the years. A variety of dogs and cats, who’ve kept me company, provided inspiration, and sometimes aggravation, but have always been wonderful companions and who make the solitude of writing much more bearable. And who, on occasion, have tripped the light fantastic over the keyboard and probably added a little extra dazzle to my writing.
One of my former assistants
My current assistants
Kindle and E-publishing: I have mixed feelings on this one. Yes, I prefer hard copy books, though I read about 50-50 these days between those and e-books. But e-publishing has opened the door for lots of people to read my scintillating syntax (or is that sin tax). And it’s kind of cool to be able to go on a trip and bring 100 books along so I can read whatever I feel like. And even more cool to be able to buy a book at 3am and have it in my cyber-hands faster than you can say “Amazon-one-click”.
Social Media/Facebook/Twitter: Aside from the marketing benefits of social media, it’s a great way for writers, who are pretty much a solitary bunch of people, to be able to get together at the cyber “water cooler” to chat, share ideas, happy moments, sad moments, laughter and opinions—sometimes too many damn opinions…. I’ve made many friends across the country (and the world for that matter) and figure there’s someone I could have lunch with almost anywhere in the country and in many parts of the world. Of course, as with anything, there’s always some jerks and trolls in the bunch. And to those people I say CENSORED.
The Internet: In a word—research. I love being able to research everything on the internet. From
murder methods, to maps, history, music and how-to videos on You-Tube. Of course some of those how to videos are how to play this or that guitar or bass part or just watching a bunch of old clips of rock bands. As for murder methods, I hope the police never have to search my computer—I’m guilty. Guilty. Guilty of researching heinous methods of offing people. But what better way for a writer to procrastinate and call it work!
Smart Phones & tablets: At first I was reluctant to get a smart phone, but now I love being able to check my e-mail on the go, post photos on Instagram of my doctor’s waiting room while I wait and wait and wait, like the people trying to get an exit visa out of Casablanca, for the doc to show up. Or snap a picture of the traffic jam I’m stuck in on the drive home. And while I never want to become one of those people with their noses glued to their cell phones all day and all of the night (to borrow a line from the Kinks), I am grateful for the little distractions both the phone and tablet provide and how I can stay connected even when I’m away from my computer. Oh, and thankful for Android. I love that all my Google contacts, etc., are integrated across all my devices.
Support from Friends and Fellow Writers: I’m thankful for all the friends and writers who have supported me and cheered me on, read my books and stories, nominated me for awards and voted for my writing, given me great reviews, interviewed me, published me in their magazines, given me space on their blogs (including this one: shout out to Leigh and Rob and everyone else here!), congratulated me on FB, liked my FB posts, shared my good news and sympathized when bad things happened, and on and on. Grateful, too, for Mystery Writers of America, Sisters in Crime, International Thriller Writers, et al. Writing is a lonely profession and the support of friends who understand the struggles of a writer is…to quote a famous commercial…priceless…
And last but not least: My wife, the indomitable, inimitable, indefatigable, intrepid and on occasion infuriating ;-) when she wants me to rewrite things (but she’s almost always right), Amy, who has stood by me through thick and thin. Who, though not a writer, is my number one reader, number one editor, number one fan and number one supporter. And who puts up both with me general (a job in itself) and as a writer (another job in itself as all the significant others of writers are well aware).
So, Thank You All And Have A Wonderful Thanksgiving!
As
Thanksgiving rapidly approaches I thought I'd jot down a few things
I'm thankful for: my beautiful daughter and her three wonderful
children, the memories of a good marriage that lasted over
thirty-four years, old friends and new friends, and, yes, books.
I'm
thankful for Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys and the Winslow Brothers who
enriched my childhood, for Agatha Christie, John Steinbeck and J.D.
Salinger who molded my teenage years, and for John D. MacDonald who
brought me back to mystery in my early twenties. I'm thankful to
Marcia Muller, Sue Grafton, and Sarah Peretsy who taught me that
women can write just as hardboiled as any man. And I'll always be
grateful to Jan Grape, my mentor, who did more for my career than any
agent or editor has ever done. And I'm thankful for those agents and
editors who helped mold my work – especially the undisputed queen
of mystery editors, the late Ruth Cavin, who once told me – when I
complained after she read my fifth book that I hadn't gotten the
editing letter from her that I usually got – that I finally sent
her one without any big boo-boos.
I'm
thankful that I've been blessed with the career of my choice, and
that I've had a job that makes me mostly happy – except on those
days when all I can do is stare at a blank screen. I'm thankful for
the friends I've met since I started this career – Joan Hess,
Sharan Newman, the late Barbara Burnett Smith and the late Nancy
Bell, Dean James, Charlaine Harris, and so many more who've made me
laugh and cry and given me advice that I'll always remember.
This
is a good time to remember these things, to count our blessings, and
say thank you to those we love. And to stock up on extra books since
we'll soon have a day off.
