He felt an itch to write and started from scratch

Before Tik Tok and the World Wide Web, before Chris Rock, before the Blue Collar Comedy Tour was UseNet and it was good. Terms like spam, FAQ, mod, and flame originated here. So did the Internet’s first advertisement — by a law firm — spam. Well, maybe not so good.

UseNet still exists, divided into News Groups, sort of a predecessor to Reddit. Examples might include:

• rec — recreation, entertainment
• sci — science, technology
• soc — society, early social platform
• alt — a catchall for extended discussions

Within this latter category is alt.humor and not long after it appeared, along came alt.humor.funny, a humorous recognition that some ‘jokes’ simply aren’t, well, funny.

alt.humor.writers.mystery ?

This crossed my mind when so-called writerly jibes, jests and jokes appeared in my mail. Ugh, they were awful, maybe 4^th grade level, but they sent me on a quest to find levity amongst fellow scribblers.

Don’t get me wrong… I enjoy my colleagues’ humor, often gentle and sometimes zinging, but it’s clear we as a group slept in during stand-up comedy classes. You might think writers would naturally excel creating authorishy humor, but perhaps wounds of rejection remain too raw.

Apparently a special Melodie brain lobe is required to coax one-liners, rib-ticklers, knee-slappers, thigh-thwackers, and wisecrackers from our inner dark to the light of smiling sunshine. As a public service to my writing friends, I threshed the chaff of many an internet witticism to isolate a few pearls and peals of laughter. Perhaps.

Beginning with…

• Writers learn to be tolerant folk. Pain tolerant, alcohol tolerant, rejection tolerant, antidepressant tolerant…
• What do you call a writer with health insurance? Married.
• How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. You call Bob, the janitor, and he does it. He’s written six bestselling novels and won multiple Edgar, Macavity, Derringer, and Reader’s Choice awards.
• How many literary writers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. Screw you. I’m not changing one damn thing.
• How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to swap the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist.
• From novels to fiction to advertising, what writing pays the best? Ransom notes.
• What do writers often purchase with their first royalty check? Extra cheese on their White Castles.
• What do you get when you cross a romance writer with a deadline? A really clean house.
• It’s not unusual for novice writers to make several sales: their car, their cufflinks, their jewelry, their house…

You’ll notice I didn’t include the oft-repeated observation by Paul Gallico about sitting down at a typewriter and opening a vein. However, I came across an interesting variation:

• Writing is easy. You just sit at your typewriter until little drops of blood appear on your forehead.
• According to proofreaders, the blood’s Type O.

Bad Puns and Other Dishonorable Unmentionables

• Shakespeare wrote plays on words.
• What’s it like to be an aspiring writer? It’s difficult to put into words.
• What is a young erotica writer’s favorite position for love making? Exposition. (Yes, that’s a double double entendre.)
• Little wonder Neanderthals died out. They should have seen the writing on the wall.
• My new Parker Pen can write upside down and under water and other words too.
• I’m learning to write poetry: P…O…E…T… It’s coming along nicely.

Whew, those were bad. A good line edit is its own reword.

We can do better! What is your favorite writing quip?