Showing posts with label women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label women. Show all posts

31 January 2013

Role Models


           "...the magnificent Spade, with whom, after reading 'The Maltese Falcon', I went
           mooning about in a daze of love such as I had not known for any character in
           literature since I encountered Sir Launcelot at the age of nine.  (Launcelot and
           Spade - they're pretty far apart, yet I played Elaine to both of them, and in that
           lies a life-story.)"  Dorothy Parker, The New Yorker, April 25, 1931, p. 92

Me and Dorothy have a lot in common.  I, too have mooned after Sam Spade, Simon Templar, Nick Charles, James Bond (I'm a Sean Connery gal), Lord Peter Wimsey, Sir Gawain, Prince Valiant, Rhett Butler, and Thomas Hewlitt Edward Cat.  See Robert Loggia below - I loved that show.  I watched every episode for its two year run.  Besides the fact that I thought Mr. Loggia was pretty darned hot, it was set mostly at night, with lots of cool jazz music - he owned his own jazz bar - and references to gypsies and jewel thieves, and I thought that was pretty much the kind of life I wanted to lead.  Note to Netflix:  get this show on DVD!

But none of these were role models.  For that I needed women, and strong, interesting women were hard to find back in the 1960's, when Donna Reed et al were still vacuuming wearing high heels and pearls.  Here are some of the women whom I admired and modeled myself after when I was a child:

Elizabeth I.  The original great leader, sharp and witty, supremely well educated, steely, manipulative, able to get and keep her throne in an age of beheadings, able to keep her country out of almost all wars, dignified, bawdy, athletic, musical, and poetic.  Do not even get me started on her antithesis, Mary, Queen of Scots.  Anyone stupid enough to marry the chief suspect in her husband's murder deserves whatever she gets.  Elizabeth had the good sense to stay single, both because it was to her taste and because she knew that no husband would ever please her countrymen.  "I would rather be a beggar woman and single than to be a Queen and married." (But I personally don't believe she was a virgin...)

Anyway, she managed to keep her country free, her ministers subordinate, and live pretty much as she wanted to live for almost 50 years.  On top of that, she was one of the first to realize that religion was a lousy excuse for burning a man, and pursued the first "don't ask, don't tell" policy (re religion) in history.  "I have no desire to make windows into men's souls."  (Eventually she did have to send some people to the fire, but they did keep trying to kill her.)  Yes, she was overdressed.  Yes, she was vain.  Yes, she was an autocrat.  But she also said, and I believe she meant it, "There will never Queen sit in my seat with more zeal to my country, care to my subjects and that will sooner with willingness venture her life for your good and safety than myself. For it is my desire to live nor reign no longer than my life and reign shall be for your good. And though you have had, and may have, many princes more mighty and wise sitting in this seat, yet you never had nor shall have, any that will be more careful and loving."  She made GREAT speeches. 

Okay, on to pop culture.

Emma Peel.  In an age when most women were running screaming from villains and tripping at the first available opportunity, or huddling in fear, waiting to be rescued, Mrs. Peel was the first woman I ever saw who rescued the guy.  She was beautiful, well-educated, athletic, musical, stylish, witty, and could kick some serious butt.  And she had class.  Whatever happened between her and Steed or her and anyone else was private.  The double-entendres were subtle (and oh, how I miss those days!). I admit that the plots of "The Avengers" ranged from clever to just plain stupid, but I never missed an episode.


Harriet Vane.  I hear that some people feel about her the way I feel about Susan Silverman although I don't understand why.  To me, Harriet was an intelligent, well-educated, witty, musical, athletic woman who could solve a murder just as well as her would-be lover and future husband, Lord Peter Wimsey.  I also liked that she wasn't physically beautiful - not all of us are - and it didn't matter, to Peter or to herself.  She had a wonderful voice, could look striking, was passionate and intellectual and liked a good wine.  And she had a successful writing career, supporting herself so that she was dependent on no one but herself.  I liked all of it.

Nora Charles.  (Note to Dorothy, I changed my mind:  I'll take Nick over Sam any day.)  Fun.  Smart.  Witty.  Great marriage.  Good times.  Can't ask for much more than that...



NOTE:  During the next 3-4 weeks, my husband and I will be moving to the bottom floor of an old school in Madison - lots of room, so we're not downsizing too much.  Anyway, this means chaos, heartburn, aching backs, and not too much writing.  I've logged ahead my blog posts for the month, but I may not be checking in as much as usual.  Forgive me, and I will say hi when I can!

21 October 2012

Vive la Différence Part 2


by Leigh Lundin
male remote control
© unknown

Straight from my eMailbox last week I mentioned a few reasons why women contend men are happy beasts. Naturally, scientists have developed a test to determine guynicity and naturally SleuthSayers proudly brings it to you.

Testing Your Man's Manliness

Give your man this scientific quiz to determine his GQ or Guyness Quotient.
  1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
    1. Present it to the President of the United States.
    2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
    3. Take it apart.
  2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
    1. Innocence.
    2. Idealism.
    3. Cherry bombs.
  3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
    1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
    2. When he is the pope. (not on the lips.)
    3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
  4. What about hugging another male?
    1. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
    2. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
    3. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
      1. He is legally within the base path,
      2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
      3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
  5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to…
    1. remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
    2. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
    3. tell that tasteless joke about the dead pedophile in the bar.
  6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
    1. cat
    2. dog
    3. dog that eats cats
    4. alligator
  7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy – you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers – when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
    1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
    2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
    3. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
  8. You have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her– sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
    1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
    2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
    3. Tell her what?
  9. You get married. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
    1. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
    2. "They're in school already?"
    3. "There are three of them?"
    4. "Children? What children?"
  10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
    1. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
    2. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
    3. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody – and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife – is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
  11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
    1. He was being tested.
    2. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    3. He refused to ask directions.
  12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    1. Democracy.
    2. Religion.
    3. Remote control.

How to Score: Give one point for every time you picked answer 'c'. A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would receive the special five-point bonus for getting the tasteless dead pedophile in the bar joke.

14 October 2012

Vive la Différence Part 1


by Leigh Lundin
male remote control
© unknown

I've written about the difference between men and women, a topic I find fascinating. It's fraught with danger (I don't think I've ever written 'fraught' before), laced with intrigue, and often enjoyable if not politically correct– which I don't plan becoming anytme soon. Besides, relationships shouldn't be political, despite becoming politicized through the decades.

For some time, I've received eMails titled Why Men are Happy and Why Men are Never Depressed. These have arrived in multiple editions over such a span that I noticed additions, deletions, and edits as these eMails passed through multiple hands. (Many versions can be found on-line.) Cathy Guisewite they're not, but some are fun.

Occasionally guys receive word they might not be pulling their weight in a relationship. Although the foolish might mount a vigorous defense, the wise will probably gather that 20% is not a reasonable balance nor does grilling or any other chore that might be considered enjoyable (fishing, winemaking, working on the car, sitting at the computer, watching basketball) weigh toward the ultimate accounting.

Yes, accounting, because there's a balance sheet and many other factors intrude and guys have a lot to account for. For example, here's a diary circulating on FaceBook:


Guys don't worry about the same things, snoring for example. A fellow can blissfully snore loud enough to crack ceiling plaster, but a woman will stay awake half the night waiting until her man falls asleep so he doesn't hear her snores set off car alarms. The thing is, a guy doesn't mind. First, it makes his woman human, but he also might find her snoring comforting and snap awake if she suddenly stops.

Guys irritate women in ways that are incomprehensible to men. Take finding things. Scientific American says the spatial parts of our brains evolved differently: cavemen traveled the hills and dales hunting mammoths and eventually found their way back home, while cavewomen kept their home running, wrestling leg-o-sarus into the cookpot, fried the bronto-burgers, mended woolies and loincloths for the family, and scrubbed the cave walls clean from their children's drawings. Whereas a male could find his way to a sabretooth carcass on flint ridge (without asking directions), he couldn't find the bone-handled knife in his own cave.

But his woman could, an effect Rosanne Barr in her stand-up comedy called the uterine locator. Back in our unevolved days, the cavewoman yelled, "Why do you keep asking me? Do I look like I know where everything is? Why don't you find it yourself, you're perfectly capable. What, you can't squeeze those big shoulders through the kitchen door? Because that's where it is, in the kitchen, under the sink, behind the second pot on the third shelf in the yellow box marked 'stuff.'"

There could be a wry Linda Ellerbee observation here, but let's move on to that balance sheet…

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Male
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
  • Your last name stays put.
  • You can never be pregnant.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • Your underwear is  $9.95 for a three-pack.
  • You almost never have strap problems in public.
  • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
  • You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  • You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
  • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  • You can wear no shirt to a water park.
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  • The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
  • You don't have to shave below your neck.
  • You have freedom of choice about growing a mustache.
  • Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  • Your bathroom has soap, towel, toothbrush, and shaving gear, nothing more.
  • You don't have to dress up to get the mail.
  • You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  • Wrinkles add character.
  • Everything on your face stays its original color.
  • People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  • One mood all the  time. 
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  • You can leave the motel bed unmade.
  • You can kill your own food.
  • You can shop in under two minutes.
  • You know stuff about tanks.
  • You don't have to know anything about celebrities and their relationships.
  • You don't have to know anything about your friends' relationships.
  • You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  • No maxi-pads.
  • A five-day vacation requires one suitcase.
  • You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
  • If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become good friends.
  • If someone forgets to invite you, they can still be your friend.
  • You can call your buddy f•ckface and still be friends.
  • You play with toys all your life.
  • You wake up looking the same as you went to bed, maybe better.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    …and…
  • You can ask a woman where to find things.