Watching what’s going on, I’m flabbergasted.
I began this article by writing about some of these things and then realized that the crucial problem is actually people's reactions.
Some people are overwhelmed and stick their heads in the sand because it’s too much.
Some people aren’t overwhelmed - they just haven’t bothered looking.
Some have looked and simply can’t find it within themselves to care.
I've had two different types of conversations lately.
Regarding infectious diseases we put to bed with vaccines but are now on the rise, I've been told that we should just live normal lives. Regarding political events that have increased suffering, I've been told that we should enjoy ourselves.
Of course, we all want to wake up, drink our coffee, chat with whoever is around, go to work, care for our children, hang out with our pets, travel and go to dinner with friends. All that is truly the stuff of life. What makes it enjoyable is liking ourselves - thinking we are good people - and the companionship of people who we care about and who care about us. Without that, we're just an engaging in a bunch of actions with no meaning.
The crux of all that is normal and enjoyable is respect for ourselves and the true companionship of others, all of which depends on empathy; who can see themselves as a good person without empathy and who can have relationships without mutual empathy?
If someone has no empathy for others - unable to put themselves in someone else's shoes and seeing that person as they would their daughter, son, mother, father and not just a stranger who is a data point - then there is no point in listing atrocities. It becomes just a list of things that people don't care about. This is why a very long article became this simple one about our growing lack of empathy.
No empathy? People will argue they have empathy for others - their friends, family, even their pets - they just don't want to look at events around the world. True empathy isn't a choice. If we see a child writhing in pain alone after being hit by a car, turn away, happily go home to our own child to play catch and hug them if they're hurt, then calling ourselves an empathetic person is a low bar.
True empathy isn't a choice - it extends to those who are suffering. Without that empathy to guide us, without empathy to stop the worst of the worst, the number of those suffering will grow and how many of us will care?
The fear of being overwhelmed should pale in the face of fear of what we will become if we turn away. We can look and care, from the comfort of our lives, and not fall apart.
To paraphrase John Donne, Do not send to know for whom the ICE men come. They come for thee. More and more, I see parallels in this country, and in many others, to Nazi Germany. Was it Auden who wrote, We must love one another or die?
ReplyDeleteThank you for your insightful post.
Edward Lodi
Thank you so much for reading this. More importantly, thank you for caring. For having empathy.
ReplyDeleteMary, as you know, if you work in hospitals, you are surrounded by people with empathy for patients you have never met before. And if you were like me, you assumed the average person would have similar empathy. My greatest shock from the last decade is when many people refused to wear masks in stores, to protect the lives of the vulnerable. They simply didn't care if they passed covid on to someone who would die from it. A simple mask! One that we wore every day in the hospital. It is one of the greatest sorrows of my life, learning this. I hope your column today gets shared and shared.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Melodie, for being the empathetic person the world needs right now.
DeleteAlso, what the hell has happened to us??? I just don't understand.
Thanks for this post! I wonder how much of the escalating callousness & cruelty reported every day may be a symptom of post-COVID brain-rot. Glib phrase, but a real medical condition, no? Covid causes "Alzheimers-like" brain shrinkage that is visible by MRI -- or would be if medicine bothered to test instead of pretending Covid doesn't exist. Aren;t these symptoms common in dmenetia patients -- lack of empathy, lack of speech-filter so they blurt out any old thing because they also lack the inability to "read the room"? Boted these changed behaviours among my own acquaintance, all of them have had Covid several times since 2020.
DeleteMary, my reaction to your post was more complex. I've worked as a helping professional for many years, using my gift of empathy as a tool. To do so, I had to learn detachment, ie caring without feeling every stab of another's pain as my own. I also had to learn when I could help another person change and when I couldn't. When you talk about the folks whose lack of empathy is causing the current horrors, I share your opinion, but I don't believe they're capable of developing empathy through persuasion and the outrage of others. They're steeped in a culture that supports their narcissism, in some cases predisposed biochemically or genetically not to consider the needs of anyone but themselves. But I also get the feeling that you don't understand why some of us don't cultivate our anger and outrage and speak out constantly about it. I've lived the politically angry life, and right now, I think its tools are ineffective. Preaching to the choir over and over, as some of my friends do, is not causing meaningful change. Nor do I think that marching, waving signs, sending petitions, or even flipping a couple of seats in our ineffective legislature (you Canadians are lucky!) will halt the tide. I keep informed on what is going on. I'm still a Jewish woman, not immune from being carted away myself. Seeking peace of mind and supporting and healing others one at a time is what I've always done best, not only through my professional skills but also as a writer and poet. As a poet, too, I get to express my empathy and my strongest opinions on what is happening in the world. So that's how I choose to cope.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth, outrage isn’t what I asked for; I asked not to look away because if we know, we can step up when it’s needed most. Canada behaved badly and sent people to their death. What if more chose not to look away? https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-46105488
DeleteLooking or looking away changes everything
If my anxiety and outrage would change things, I would smash plates and throw up every day. But it won't, so I focus on what I can control, rather than worrying about (terrifying) things I can't control. What I can control is not just my vote and political support, but empathy for those I meet. I especially try to be kind to people who support things I hate, even though that is hard, because I believe kindness is the best way to change minds. Telling people they're wrong and horrible isn't effective at changing things. Finding common ground and building on it can change things. And, yes, it is really, really hard to try and find common ground with some people. It turns my stomach. But if that's what it takes to make the world better, I'll take the hit.
ReplyDeleteI simply asked us not to look away.
DeleteMy generation thought Vietname was bad, but we had little notion today's state of affairs could get worse and worse – Nazis in the White House, conflicts and wars, infectious diseases, shipping souls to prisons in countries they don't know… or worse… ones they do know. I want Ukraine to prevail but I ache for every Russian soldier blown to bits by a $50 drone. Rodney King had the wisdom the rest of us need: Why can't we get along?
ReplyDeleteSo true. We don’t get to choose where our empathy lands.
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