21 April 2017

Wonderfulnesses

by
O'Neil De Noux

Ever notice the wonderfulnesses on the covers of books, indicating a book is as radiant as the sun and chock full of unforgettableness? The book is unputdownable? There are 500 5-star reviews of the book on Amazon or it is a best seller? Some covers come dotted with starbursts and little fish with more wonderfullnesses on the back cover.




The sun (really)



I realize these are selling points to get people to peek at the book, maybe

even buy the book. I guess my law enforecment background is showing. Like COP OF THE WEEK - the cop with the most arrests or tickets gets a little star on his pocket lapel. I've seen it. Not recently, thank God.

And then there are the proclamations, the review quotes expounding more wonderfulnesses.

I looked at my 23 published novels and researched reviews for snippets of my wonderfulness to slap all over my next cover. I mean I must be wonderful somewhere. Hell. It's a big world. Some dolt must think I'm a good writer. After a long search I managed to find some quotes and thought I'd run them by you to see which one(s) I should put on the back of my next book. Not sure if they're all complimentary.

Here they are:

“Denoux could be the greatest crime writer in the history of the world.” – The Bayou Goula Gazette

“A good great crime writer.” The Bogalusa Bat

“The most novelist working today.” The Worker’s Review

“Hey, this guy ain’t that bad.” – The North Jersey Petroleum Book Review Club

“The best mystery writer on the planet, or any other planet for that matter.” – The Rotterdam Rag

“Who the hell is this guy?” – Newsweek

“Never heard of him.” – Time

“We wish we could right this good.” – Cajun State University Press-Telegram

“The best thing about Slick Time are the legs on the cover.” – The Persimmon Times

New Orleans Nocturnal is a real sleeper.” – The National Sleep Foundation Newsletter

New Orleans Confidential. There is nothing confidential about New Orleans but if there were confidentialities, then this book would be one.” – New Orleans Tattle-Tale Review

“If he isn’t the best novelist, then it has to be Elmore Leonard or that James Burke guy. I mean, like, come on.” – The Angola Penitentiary Doing Hard Times

“Mr. Denous is the purrrrfect best writer, forever and ever.” – Stella Roux, book reviewer of The Turkish Angora Blue Review

No one spelled my name correctly. Which should tell me something.

OK. None of them really work. So I'll just sit back and chuckle at the hissy fits over the Oxford comma, the Cambridge semi-colon and the Dartmouth diphthong. I mean like, "it's not long enough to be a diphthong!" Do people stay up at night over this?

Just saw a blurb on the back of a new book. The book is 'menacingly erotic' and a 'rollicking romp through fields of sugar cane'



This is what a Louisiana sugar cane field looks like. Have a rollicking romp through it. Go ahead.

www.oneildenoux.com

9 comments:

Paul D. Marks said...

O'Neil, how can I get reviewed by Stella Roux of The Turkish Angora Blue Review? Damn. :-)

janice law said...

Or you could do as James Boswell and Walt Whitman did and write up some quotes yourself!
Looks as if you'd need a hazmat suit for that field of sugar cane.

Robert Lopresti said...

My favorite book blurb is from Grouncho Marx: "I laughed from the moment I picked up this book until I put it down. Some day I intend to read it."

I was arrested once for wearing a dipthong, but that's another story.

John Floyd said...

O'Neil, I love those blurbs!! In fact, I needed that, this morning.

Rob, Groucho had some great quotes. I think he was also the one who said, "Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." Or something like that.

R.T. Lawton said...

The guys in Angola must love you, to be so flattering about your novels. Any of them recognize themselves as story characters?

B.K. Stevens said...

My favorite review of all time came from a middle-school student named Jay. I'd visited his class to talk about my young adult novel, Fighting Chance, and a few days later the teacher sent me a stack of lovely thank-you notes from the students. Jay's read, "I didn't read the book cause I'm not much of a reader but I'm guessing if it was a movie it would be good." I'll take any compliments I can get.

Elizabeth said...

For sure, little kids see things differently. Adrian McKinty, who wrote Police at the Station and They Don't Look Friendly & other books, posted some quotes on his blog saying how wonderful he is. But his 5-1/2 year-old daughter said, "Daddy's book is really boring."

Steve Liskow said...

Isn't the Dartmouth Dipthong an alt-rock band?

I love these!

My personal best/fave is the place-holder my cover designer uses before we have "real" copy:
"You'll love this book if this is your kind of book."

Eve Fisher said...

Now that was fun. Especially the Angola guys... Always nice to know you're appreciated, right?