01 January 2012

Resolutions

by Leigh Lundin

For our special brand of readers…

Paranoiac Resolutions
  1. I'll no longer waste my time reliving the past; I'll spend it seeking revenge.
  2. I'll channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  3. I'll assume full responsibility for my actions, except when it's someone else's fault.
  4. I need not suffer in silence while I can still whine, whimper, and stalk my persecutors.
  5. I know forgiveness is blessed, but not nearly as satisfying as vengeance.
  6. I'll strive to live each day as if it were my enemies' last.
  7. When insulted, I'll honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of silly laws.
  8. As I let go of feelings of guilt, I'll channel my inner sociopath.
  9. I'll gladly share wisdom, for there are no sweeter words than "Gotcha!"
  10. I'll discover a scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
  11. A complete lack of evidence is the surest proof a conspiracy is under way.
  12. I am at one with my duality.

A New Year's Poem
(Velma author unknown)

T'was the week after Christmas and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

I recalled the meals I had to prepare,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The cookies I nibbled, the eggnog I taste.
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I climbed on the scales, there arose such a number!
The trip through the mall, less a walk than a lumber.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
Never once had I protested, "No, none for me, please."

As I dressed again in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as only I can,
"You can't spend this year wearing duds of a man!"

Away with the last of the sour cream onion dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every candy and chip.
Every ounce of snacks I like must be banished
Till all the kilos and pounds again have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll allow myself one celery stick.
I won't have hot toddies, or ice cream, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn't that what January is for?

New Year Notes

Happy new year, one and all. We start 2012 with our 107th article and continue featuring fourteen top crime writers. Janice retired at the end of the year, so we'll announce Thursday's co-columnist shortly.

This has been a good year for us and for me personally. I don't make resolutions, but I pave the road with good intentions. It's said an optimist stays up past midnight to see the new year in, while a pessimist waits up to make certain the old year leaves. Some of us are simply insomniacs.

Happy New Year!

13 comments:

Fran Rizer said...

Happy New Year to you and yours.

janice said...

The paranoid make good mystery writers.
Happy New Year.

David Dean said...

I loved your poem and resolutions, Leigh. But confidentially, are those resolutions about me...are you talking about me? Cause if you are I have ways of dealing with...oh, never mind! How about I just wish you the very best of New Years!

Dale Andrews said...

Happy New Year!

Terrie Farley Moran said...

Each resolution makes the basis for dozens of great stories. Happy New Year!

Elizabeth Zelvin said...

Happy New Year to our readers as well as all my SleuthSayer blog brothers and blog sisters. :)

Dixon Hill said...

"I don't make resolutions, but I pave the road with good intentions."
Great line, Leigh!

However, analyzing your supposed list of resolutions, then cross-indexing that with the selected poem, I notice the intersection of: “I am at one with my duality,” coupled with "You can't spend this year wearing duds of a man!" – This makes me wonder exactly what you’re trying to say about me, Mister!! I thought of reporting your post to Velma, but then realized she was part of this conspiracy. Lol

Have a Happy New Year!
--Dix

Louis A. Willis said...

Happy New Year, Leigh. I know you'll continue your leadership in keeping SleuthSayers alive and well in the new year.

Jeff Baker said...

The resolutions sounded like a "Dilbert" cartoon! Loved 'em all!

Leigh Lundin said...

Thank you and let me add, I enjoy our readers and writers. You are great!

Happy new year, Fran, Janice, and Dale.

David, your paranoia is a great asset!

Thanks, Terrie. I wish you and the ladies of WoM a wonderful new year!

Elizabeth, I like your brothers and sisters line. It's ever so much better than colleagues, isn't it!

Thank you Jeff and Willis. I appreciate having you near.

And Dixon… don't over-analyze! We don't want to upset Velma!

A Broad Abroad said...

Good wishes for a happy New Year to SleuthSayers writers and readers - thank you for keeping us entertained each day.

Robert Lopresti said...

I like resolution no. 6 a lot. Happy new year, all.

Rob

Cindy Kerschner said...

Happy New Year! Sorry I'm late. I was busy plotting and planning against those people that are busy plotting and planning.